Back for the scandal

So much for promising to write on this blog every night back in, what, August? Here it is DECEMBER and I haven’t posted anything new since September. Sigh…

I’m not sure what direction this blog will eventually take. Cakes, feasts, shows…and jokes?

I wrote a few monologue jokes today for a master’s class I took with Adam Felber, a writer on Real Time with Bill Maher. A good way to describe a monologue joke is any joke you see a late night talk show host (think Conan O’Brien, Jay Leno, David Letterman, etc) tell at the beginning of their show. They’re short jokes with a topical set up and usually a topical punchline. Think of them as a funny recap of the most recent news events.

Back when I was temping in Colorado, I used to write ten monologue jokes a day. All I wanted when I lived out there was to move to Boston and become a comedy writer (yeah, I know. I went to the wrong coast!). I forced myself to crank out some of the worst topical jokes ever written. After awhile I did come up with a few decent ones that I’m still ridiculously proud of. The problem with these jokes is the shelf-life is very short, something Felber mentioned during class today. He also said that he used to post monologue jokes on his blog before he worked in the industry.

That, for lack of a better term, lit a fire under my ass. Why shouldn’t I be writing monologue jokes everyday just for the hell of it? Why shouldn’t I be posting them on my blog? Why shouldn’t I be taking them to open mics and making an ass out of myself in front of a room of pissed off comics who just want to do their own sets and go the hell home?

In honor of my smoldering ass, here are the best jokes I wrote for the master’s workshop. I’m a little rusty but I think I did ok.

1) Some good news for Iraq – the game of Bingo is making a comeback. In related news, Larry King will be taking his next vacation to Bagdad.

2) In a recent interview, Kate Gosslin said her children cried when they found out their show had been cancelled. Kate also said Jon Gosslin cried when he learned Ed Hardy will stop making shirts in a size extra douche.

3) Sarah Palin has been accused of racism because her Going Rogue book tour is stopping in cities with a predominately caucasian population. Palin was unavailable for comment, citing a severe case of “snow blindness”.

4) Up to 90 vehicles are trapped by mudslides triggered by winter weather in California. Last time someone was caught in that much sludge they were trying to get out of the Jersey Shore house hot tub.

The one thing I regret about this workshop: We were asked to come up with sketch ideas for this class. I came up with a title for a sketch, “Tiger Woods buys new pants”. I have no idea what it would entail, but it would be a million kinds of awesome. Oh, how I want to write this sketch! But by the time The Ruckus takes the stage in February, that joke will be obsolete. :shakes fists: DAMN YOU, SHORT SHELF LIFE!


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