In Which I Construct a Sandwich

Recently I’ve been trying to break out of my food comfort zone and cook new things. I’m not sure how that’s going. Things are…edible? That’s good. But let’s be honest here, sticks are edible if you’re hungry enough.

On Friday I had the good fortune of guilting one of my colleagues into giving me a loaf of his homemade jalapeno cheese bread. Make no mistake, this is the most amazing bread I have ever put into my face. If it were up to me, I’d be like Homer in that Simpsons episode where he goes to hell and is forcefed donuts, except I would be noshing on this fucking bread for all of eternity. MOAR, is what I’m sayin’.

I had a very thin cut of beef in the fridge and decided to use the AMAZING BREAD OF THE GODS as part of a steak sandwich. I’ve never made a steak sandwich and I sure as hell have never used anything other than good old store bought bread so…what the hell.

Step 1: I cut a piece of steak in half. What cut of meat did I start with? Fuck if I know. (This attention to detail is what makes me detailing my cooking adventures so great.) I figured it should be thinner but I lack a meat tenderizer. When in doubt, use a spoon.

I whacked this meat with the back of a spoon until it looked thin enough. This is a great stress reliever. I live in LA which means I sit in traffic more than any human being should ever have to sit in traffic, and beating a piece of raw meat with a soup spoon really eases the traffic tension that lingers in one’s shoulders.


Step 2: Season the meat with garlic pepper and a little bit of salt. Toss steak into a pan. I had it on medium heat because I’m really trying to avoid scorching the shit out of all my food. A girl can dream.

Step 3: I cut the Amazing Bread of the Gods into 4 pieces.  I melted down two pads of butter in a flat griddle-like pan and threw the bread in there.


Step 4: Once the steak was done I took it out of the pan and set it aside. Surprisingly, I hadn’t turned it into meaty hockey pucks. Damn, it feels good to be a gangster.

While the bread was cooking I sliced up some red, yellow, and orange bell peppers. Normal people would probably slice some red onion as well, but I can’t stand the taste of raw onions. Raw onions taste like gym socks. They try to sneak into my mouth and lay siege to my taste buds. I fight them like I’m fighting Orcs at the end of the second Lord of the Rings movie. Or like Hulk smashing Loki in the Avengers. Plus, every time I cut onions I cry like a 12-year-old watching The Notebook. Fuck. Raw. Onions.


Step 5: Once the bread was nice and toasted, I was ready. It was here that I spent way too much time talking to myself (out loud) about mayonnaise. “Should I add some mayo to my bread? What if that ruins the bread? But if I were in a cafe they would put mayo on bread like this and charge me like $16 for this sandwich.”

Understandably, my husband is worried about my mental health.

I eventually settled on a little bit of mayo, which was a good call on my part. Then I assembled my CheesySteakySpicy Sandwich thing. It went like this:

  • Bread (bottom)
  • Mayo
  • Steak
  • A couple of lettuce leaves
  • Bell peppers (assorted)
  • Mayo
  • Bread (top)

It didn’t look too bad.



It was ok. Honestly, the best part about the whole thing was the bread. The steak was very well seasoned, if I do say so myself, and surprisingly tender. It didn’t fall out of the sandwich when I took a bite so I consider it a win. The peppers? Eh. Didn’t really taste them. Whatever. It was better than eating sticks.


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