I threw my back out today because I am a) an idiot and b) fat; if this post comes with 50% more swearing than normal, that’s why. (honestly, I don’t know how 50% more swearing is possible but it’s good to have goals.)
Awhile back I came across this Budget Bytes recipe for Dragon Noodles. I both like hot things and inexpensive things so I knew this was something I should shove into my food hole. The first time I did this I followed the recipe. Yay me for following directions like a 5-year-old kid! Then came my next attempt, in which I was unable to follow directions. What does this tell you? 5-year-old kids are smarter than I am.
This all started with a trip to the farmer’s market. Yes. I AM that coastal city-living liberal with an advanced degree who shops at farmer’s markets and carries her reusable shopping bags because ENVIRONMENT but who also likes buying Starbucks lattes and tosses her used paper cup right in the god damned trash. THE THINGS I DO DON’T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE! America, etc.
Anyway, I bought all this:
Next step – Cooking with shit I already had. I wanted to make sure I used anything perishable that I might be in danger of losing, which meant I better use the eggs in my fridge before I could only use them to throw at cars. I also had rice noodles and soy sauce, so, DRAGON NOODLES was the next logical step.
Step one: Cut up some kale and radishes. Do radishes go with kale? No idea. Can one saute a radish? No clue. Am I going to do it anyway? Yep.
Step 2: Olive oil & garlic in the pan. Try not to create brown garlic, which I failed at because I BURN EVERYTHING LIKE I’M THE MOTHERFUCKING SUN.
Add kale, salt, and pepper. Stir with wooden spoon. When done enough (when is that? Eh, whenever) toss in radishes. Stir until done. Done is when I say it’s done, which, really, is the best way to measure cook times. When you need to know if something is done, don’t rely on myths like “temperature” or “time”, just call me. I’ll tell you.
Take out of the pan and set aside. It looked like this:
I decided this would also make a good side dish and I’m cooking it tonight with my husband’s help (Thanks, babe. Your wife is an asshole with back problems but she’ll get better! Unfortunately the asshole part will not improve.)
Step 3: Cook noodles. Now, the dragon noodle recipe calls for lo mein noodles. For some reason, I thought that it called for rice and spent the better part of a week searching for a rice noodle package that looked something like the one pictured on the recipe site. I wonder why I couldn’t find it? Was it because I wasn’t looking for the right thing? Naw, couldn’t be! However, the rice noodles worked fine.
Here’s something you should always keep in mind when working with pasta – Don’t drain it until you need it or it’ll stick together. Once it does that it’s like a rubber band ball from hell that’s clingier than a Kardashian’s dress.
Step 4: Make the sauce. I used brown sugar, soy sauce, red pepper flakes, and this tiny little packet of sriracha that I got with some chinese food I ordered once.
Step 5: I saw this YouTube video of Gordon Ramsay making scrambled eggs. He says if a person knows how to make a perfect scrambled egg then you know they know how to cook. I do not make scrambled eggs like Gordon Ramsay. Reach your own conclusion.
Crack eggs into a bowl. Add milk & whisk. (Sorry, Chef. Please don’t call me a donkey like you do all those people on Hell’s Kitchen who have yet to figure out how to cook a scallop after 11 seasons of your show.) Put the eggs into the hot pan. I let them sit until they start cooking THEN I move them around.
Step 6: Add kale thing. Stir.
Step 7: Add noodles. Hopefully you do not go to grab your noodles and discover that you have a fucking solid bowl-shaped mass of noodles like I did.
Step 8: Once it’s all stirred together, add sauce. The recipe this originally came from added the sauce in the egg step but I felt that didn’t get enough of the other ingredients exposed to the sauce. It’s like the chicken pox. EXPOSE ALL THE THINGS! (Note – tongs are really helpful in this step.)
DONE. Put that shit in a bowl and make sure to Instagram so the internet gods accept this as an actual meal. Doing this will appease them and allow your macbook to keep playing Garage Band at appropriately bitchin’ volume.
It was spicy. Good thing because I still haven’t gotten over that JLA thing.
(SIDE RANT – When have we established that Catwoman/Batman have more than a casual bangin’ relationship in the the New52? WE HAVEN’T. They just fuck. Good for them but just ’cause he’s giving her the D (he gives a lot of women the D) doesn’t mean he’s gonna avenge her. She doesn’t even know his name. Ugh.)
Next goal – Make more food and get less fat. Those are compatible goals, right?