So I threw my back out a few days ago and haven’t been able to cook anything. That’s right. I’m not even 35 and I’m dealing with back issues from an old injury I received when working for a rather large retail shoe emporium. You know how they always tell you to lift properly? You should listen. Even if you’re 21 and think you’re some hot shit strong bitch because you’re 5’9″ and people often ask you to help move couches and TVs like you’re some sort of god damned beefy monster. Not that that is a real-life example or anything. I’m getting out of the car like an old person because my back feels like it’s being stabbed by a million really angry bees who are super pissed at me because I stole their honey/poured them on Nicolas Cage’s face in that terrible movie. (To be fair, if I were a bee I’d sting the shit out of anyone who poured me on Nicolas Cage’s face.)

Today I decided that I was going to at least try to get off my fat ass and make food. (I didn’t take any pictures of the process. Sorry.) We went to the grocery store and I picked up fresh-baked croissants and ham from the deli. These were crying out to be combined into a ham, egg, and cheese sandwich.

Step 1: Cut up onion and green pepper. Most everything I make starts out with these ingredients. Toss into a pan. Instead of using butter or oil to saute, I added lime juice and let those cook for a few minutes.

Step 2: EGGS. Beat eggs and milk in a bowl, dump in pan with the green peppers and onions. Stir everything together and let it cook.

Step 3: I took two slices of ham and put them on the griddle pan for just a minute or two. The ham is cooked so you just want to get it warm.

Step 4: Slice a croissant in half. Put the warm ham on the bottom and add your favorite cheese.

I would also like to add that it took until the line above for me to spell “croissant” properly. Did I mention I have a fancy degree that cost me more than I will ever make in 93 life times? It cost me so many Benjamins that my husband and I will be renters for life and we will never have kids because our student loan debt will never be paid off. But at least it only took me two tries to spell croissant! MY EDUCATION PAID OFF!!! THROW ME A PARADE, MOTHERFUCKERS!

Step 5: When the eggs are done, put them on top of the cheese. I added a little bit of salt and some pepper at this step along with that divine elixir of the gods, green tabasco sauce. Sometimes I think I don’t make food, I make green tabasco sauce and salt delivery devices. I can’t just pour it down my gullet because I think it may kill me. But I want to. I really, really want to. What’s more important, living or drinking green tabasco sauce straight? I cannot answer that. (I wonder if drinking green tabasco sauce would strengthen my back like spinach does for Popeye? I could get an anchor tattoo and I think corncob pipes are pretty bitchin’.)



It could have been better.

Side note – The first day I threw my back out was the first day I’ve actually been afraid of my cat. I had this genius idea that I’d try to lay on the floor and put my legs up on the coffee table. Didn’t go so well. In fact, I got stuck on the floor beside the coffee table. I say stuck because I couldn’t get myself up again, not because I was wedged in between shit. I could crawl, I just could get off the floor. It was like that Furturama episode where Bender can’t get off his back and he just flails around like a drunk metal turtle.

I felt eyes on me and looked up to see this:



He was eying me like a lion eying a sick zebra. Is this what Anne Boleyn felt like when she realized Henry VIII had turned against her? (I marathoned all four seasons of The Tudors in the past week, due in no small part to Henry Cavill and his fucking face.)

Now I know he’s plotting against me. Send help.


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