Whatever the Hell This Thing Is

Ugh. UGH. Cooking, man. What the hell. Usually, I don’t mind cooking. I’m all “look at me; I’m a magical fairy sprinkling my spices into things and invoking flavor profiles! Oh, I’m so whimsical! I’m like a unicorn on roller skates pinning Instagrammed pictures of mason jars filled with joy to my Pintrest! LA LA LA LA!”

Then there are days that it doesn’t fucking work. Those are the days my sepia-toned reality is shattered and I once again see the world through regular lenses. Do you know how shitty looking at the world through regular lenses is? Really shitty. I have to stop pretending my cooking in a tiny kitchen is somehow important and remember real things of importance; like poverty, the War on Women, the fact same sex couples can’t get married, and my soul-crushing, life-destroying astronomical student loan debt. It’s like the Social Justice side of Tumblr (minus the porn gifs) exploded in my face.

Such was the case the other night when I found myself struggling once again to figure out dinner. You’d think that by this time I’d, you know, plan this shit out in advance. Nope. Still haven’t worked that whole “planning” thing out. In my fridge I had ground beef and kale (you know how some people always have hand sanitizer with them? I’m like that with kale). I once had some success creating a kale & pasta dish with some Italian sausage so I thought I’d just do it again, this time with ground beef.

Sometimes, I am really dumb.

Step 1: Cook the ground beef. Here’s where I screwed up – ground beef is kind of bland unless you season the ever loving fuck out of it. And while I did season it, I just didn’t season it enough. Step one and I done fucked up.

Step 2: Drain the ground beef of all its greasy grossness. I keep old jelly jars under my sink for catching this oily mess. Apparently it’s bad to dump it down the sink because it can make your pipes all nasty. After you drain the meat, set it aside.

Step 3: Throw garlic and onions into the same pan you just used to cook the meat. I was hoping this was going to get any residual flavor into the kale. Problem – you can’t have residual flavor if you don’t have any fucking flavor in the first place.

Once the garlic and onions have achieved doneness throw in the kale. “Doneness” is a word if I say it is! I’m like Shakespeare but I’m not actually a good writer! Ha! I win! Wait…oh. I just made myself sad. Actually, I just stopped to look up the word “doneness” on The Goddamn Googles* and IT IS TOTALLY A WORD. I’m feeling good feelings again! The same feelings I get when I eat an entire cake to keep sad monster away!

Mix this stuff together and throw in some red pepper flakes, salt, and pepper. I had already added salt and pepper in the meat step and was worried I had added too much. Ha. Sometimes I am HILAROUS.

* In my mind Google is a character written by Frank Miller.


Step 4: Toss in the meat. Mix together. Try not to be sad because this both looks and tastes crummy. Yes, crummy.

Step 5: Drain your pasta. I did learn from my dragon noodle rubber band ball and kept my noodles in water until I needed them. This did prove that I can actually learn just like normal people! It’s a Christmas miracle!

Put the pasta in a bowl, dump the kale shit on top, and mix it together. Serve with a little parmesan cheese sprinkled on the top.


Meh. M! E! H! So not impressed with this. It was better once I dumped a metric shit ton of green Tabasco on it, but I shouldn’t have to douse my food in condiments in order to taste it. I should have added the meat to the sautéed onion/garlic mixture and gone from there, but I didn’t want to burn my garlic. And I wanted to make sure the kale sautéed with that mixture before I added the meat. Perhaps a revision in the steps along with a lot more seasoning would have helped?


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