Granola Bars and Garbage Bodies

After about 10 pathetic tries at making granola bars, I finally managed to make a granola that sticks together. Kind of. Only in tiny squares that then surrender to the pull of gravity and fall apart in my hands. But still. I made granola bars/squares/lumps! VICTORY! (?)

I love granola bars. In fact, granola bars contributed to my becoming a fat girl. I was 9. We were supposed to bring a mid-morning snack as our grade was assigned a late lunch period. I would always bring a chocolate-covered Chewy brand granola bar. This alone is not enough to make one fat; however, this chocolate-covered delicacy was combined with the freight train of puberty. I went from a flat chest to a D cup in about 2 months. Skinny kid hips to “holy shit, dem hips” in less than 6 months. And it wasn’t cute. You don’t go from little kid to full blown adult in such a short period of time without acquiring the battle scars known as stretch marks. Whenever I read all these mommy bloggers lamenting about how they have bigger feet after pregnancy (I’ve been a size 11 since I was 13), or how they have stretch marks now (had those since I was 9), or how they have saggy tits now (honey, mine came IN saggy! I’ve never once had nipples that can find the North Star), I become terrified. I’ve had all of those things since I was 9 and I’ve never had kids. How much worse can this shit get?  Can one become globulous? Did the movie Wall-E truly predict my future body? 

I still love granola bars. They give this garbage body the energy to get through the day!

Pictured - Me. Line forms to the left, boys.

Pictured – Me. Line forms to the left, boys.

The beauty of making your own granola bars is you can make whatever combination you want. Want a “tropical” granola bar? Use oats, dehydrated pineapple chunks, shredded coconut, and chopped macadamia nuts. Maybe throw in some white chocolate chips or white yogurt chips. Do you enjoy the taste of failure and sadness? Use oats, your worthless, too-expensive master’s degree, and a little bit of honey. TA DA! Depression with a crunch! Mmm mmm! 

Step 1:

Get some oats in a can (you know the kind, the cheap as fuck kind that come in what looks like a Lincoln Log cylinder (do they still make those?)). Throw some of these oats into a bowl. I used about 1 ½ – 2 cups. A good way to determine how much oat product to use is to think about the pan you’ll use to bake your bars and how much other stuff you’ll be putting into your recipe. Or you could use a real recipe with measurements and shit. (Nope.) 

Step 2:

Add your other ingredients. If you are using chocolate or other melty thing – DO NOT ADD IT YET. Trust me.

 I used dried cranberries, shredded coconut, and chopped almonds. Stir until thoroughly mixed. 


Step 3:

Warm up some honey. I assume this can be done in a microwave? Maybe? Eh. Too confusing to figure out.  I used a pot on a stove on a low heat setting. You don’t want to boil the honey because that may lead to burning it and – gross. Blech. Put the honey over a low flame and stir continuously. You’ll know it’s ready when it becomes water-like in consistency. 

Pour the honey into your mixture and stir. Try to coat everything – if you feel like you need a little more, make a little more. But don’t overdo it. You aren’t taking your ingredient friends to the honey pool for a soak. You want your shit to stick together but not drip all over the place like an inconsiderate child fresh out of the pool scrounging through the fridge for orange juice. Fucking wipe your feet, kid! Jesus. 



Step 4:

Once your mixture is cool, add the chocolate. This is important – if you mixture is too warm (like mine was) the chocolate will begin to melt. Don’t do what I did the first time and dump hot honey all your mixture. Oh, you mean hot liquid melts chocolate?  Those chips melted away like my hopes of having great tits after the age of 10. Once they’re gone, you can’t get them back. The chocolate chips, I mean. Obviously. 

Step 5:

Pour the mixture onto a pre-greased cookie sheet. I used Pam. Mmmm…chemicals. Put the sheet in the oven and bake at 400 degrees for 20 minutes. 

Pre-baked granola mess.

Pre-baked granola mess.

Once it’s done pull that shit out of the oven and let it cool.

Then “cut” it (or, as I did, tear pieces off.) It tastes a lot better than it looks.


This is the closest I’ve ever gotten to making granola bars. Usually my granola is less bar and more “sticky crumbs all over the fucking place”. These still fall apart, just not as quickly as the other batches. Success!

 It tastes good as is and it’s also a nice topping for vanilla yogurt. The one problem I have is that it sticks to the foil-lined cookie sheet, which is a total pain in the ass. And I eat too much of it one sitting. MUST SHOVE INTO GARBAGE FACE. OM NOM NOM NOM. (Fat girl for lyfe, etc.)


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