As part of my New Year’s Resolutions I decided to try and keep up my Sunday writing schedule. As I finally finished the story that I had been slaving over for a good two years, I needed something new to focus on. Writing about the shit I cook is great (I guess) but as a perma fatty I’m really trying to lose weight and I’m not cooking much outside chicken and veggies. That’s a little too boring for a sweary food blog.
Obviously, the next logical step was TV! I love food, therefore I love TV. TV + Food = Gilmore Girls reviews! It all makes perfect sense now! (Go with this logic, people.)
I’ve never seen the Gilmore Girls. I’m a woman in my 30s who considers herself a strong-minded feminist and yet I’ve never watched one episode of a TV show that focuses on women. The fuck, man? Where have I been? It’s not like I haven’t watched a bunch of TV that is just utter trash (I’m looking at you, first season of Beauty and the Beast starring Kristen Kreuk.) You’d think somewhere in there I’d be able to work in some TV that’s been referred to as a “New Classic” (by this Wikipedia entry and Wikipedia is always right and WHY ARE YOU JUDGING ME FOR MY SOURCES OF INFORMATION????) Lucky for me, it’s on Netflix.
(Side note – though I have linked to that Wikipedia entry, I haven’t read past the “Contents” box. I don’t want to know what happens so I’m going in blind. No spoilers (though I actually give fewer than one fuck about spoilers) etc. etc.)
So we start out with our heroine, Lorelai, wandering down an extremely populous street for a Made Up Suburb of Hartford, CT. I’m from the ‘burbs – not anywhere tony like CT – and I’ve never seen so many people walking down the street. We drive and hide in our oversized cars and park in our vast parking lots before running into a chain store to pickup whatever bullshit we need for our oversized homes. Walking? Socializing? What demonry is this?
Lorelai walks into a cafe and endears herself to me by ordering her sixth cup of coffee for the day. I think its 8 a.m.
She orders this nectar of the gods from some Grubby Fuck in a Backwards Baseball Cap (GFiaBBC), who apparently is named Luke. This is an appropriate name for GFiaBBC. As Lorelai drinks down a steaming cup of My Reason For Living, some creepy ass boy clad in the Brawny Towel Guy’s hand-me-down jacket wanders over and starts being creepy. Lorelai does not want to talk to this guy but he does that thing that dudes who watch too many romantic comedies do and sit down at the table (even though she told him to leave like 8 times) and keeps insisting she pay attention to him. Dude, go away. The only thing she needs to be paying attention to is the coffee and how she’s probably going to fuck GFiaBBC by the end of…let’s say season 2? Sounds right.
Eventually he gets the hint but he makes a stunning return to hit on her daughter, Rory. Rory asks “Are you my new daddy?” and now I’ve decided I love her and would like to hug her and be proud of her forever.
Quick aside – Can I just mention how jealous I am of both Lorelai and Rory? I have always loved the dark hair/blue eyes combo and I’m very sad that I got stuck with the unpretty brown on brown combo. 😦 Much Frown.
And that’s the cold open! I better stop calling people fucks and write less about them if I expect to get to the end of this review before I die. (I’m not going to stop calling people fucks.)
Lorelai works at an Inn and we’re treated to a lot of world building with this scene. There’s an Obnoxious French Guy (OFG) who is annoyed and snooty and French. In my notes I wrote “Is this motherfucker actually French?” and – no. The actor is French Canadian. Not-animated Alex Borstein pushes a harp around and yells at people (which I appreciate – I mean, why are there so many end tables in B&Bs lobbies? Are there that many people in need of a place for their drink or book?) And Clumsy Melissa McCarthy (CMM) is a cook who almost kills herself every time she takes a breath. I feel bad for the dudes who work with her and save her from lighting herself on fire at every turn. I would usually be annoyed by this “she’s clumsy! It’s CHARACTER!” thing because it’s done to death but McCarthy sells it so well it’s hard to hate it.
While Lorelai is talking to OFG and praying that CMM isn’t cutting her fingers off for fun, Rory is walking to school with her friend Lane. Lane is not happy about having to go on a blind date/hayride with some future proctologist that her mom really likes. They’re both 16 but I think hayrides could be a good place for making out. (I didn’t make out much in high school. But it is totally not obvious at all and I bet you can’t even tell.)
As Rory enters the school, there is a Floppy Haired Boy staring at her. We all know Floppy Hair is going to be trouble. They’re gonna fuck eventually. Maybe not this season but by the end of the show there will be sexing. It will be awkward virginity-losing sex that will be imbued with MEANING and SIGNIFICANCE because that’s how loss of virginity is portrayed in TV. In reality it’s more like “…huh. ‘k. So, like…you want Taco Bell?”
It was around this point in the episode, when all the girls were passing nail polish back and forth in class, that I asked myself if I either, a) Didn’t remember what it was like to be a teenager, or, b) Was just a shitty teenager. Going to go with a little from Column A, little from Column B. Because I think I remember pretty well…but I was also the WORST at being a teenager. I was just an adult in a teen body, and considering I was fully grown at 14, I was an adult in my “I’m 14 but look 26+, have stretch marks and saggy tits…No, I am not my friend’s mother” body. It’s hard to have the “OMG, boys want to fuck me!” teen experience when you look like someone’s haggard mother who just happens to like wearing Type O Negative t-shirts.
Back at the Inn, Lorelai finds out that Rory has been accepted to Chilton, a snobby private school that will make sure she gets into Harvard. If there is anyone saying that public school kids can go to an Ivy, let this show and its insistence on getting its character into a private school just so she can have a shot at Harvard educate you. (I’m sure there are public school kids who got into Harvard. I am also sure those kids are not as plentiful as the legacies or the rich private school kids.) Rory is excited and immediately asks if her mother did something slutty to get her into the school. This is where I get uncomfortable. Because as “FUCK FUCK FUCK!” sweary as I am, as much as I will sit here and talk about my high school (and college) dick drought, I would never in a million years be comfortable enough with my mother to ask her anything salacious. That is not a conversation we would have. It makes the mother/daughter relationship in this show very alien to me.
Anyway, Rory gets in to private school BUT – surprise, surprise – private school costs a lot. Like way more than normal people have hanging around in an old coffee can. LUCKILY – Lorelai comes from money! Isn’t that convenient? BUT! BUT – she doesn’t talk to her rich WASP parents because she is living her life in a way they disapprove! Single motherhood! Working a regular job! Why, what WOULD the ladies at the country club say? :clutches pearls. Dies.:
Lorelai begs her parents for the money. She’ll get it, but only if she sits through a weekly skin flaying from her passive aggressive WASP mother. Did I say skin flaying? I meant dinner. In a home that looks like Wayne Manor with more depression and sadness built into its walls. There’s even the Sad Family Portrait over the Stately Fireplace. I didn’t see a clock, though. Maybe Lorelai becomes an angry vigilante who likes to punch jaws in later seasons?
Of course, while all this is going on, Rory has decided she might not want to go to the Gateway to Harvard. Why? FLOPPY HAIR. Of course it’s Floppy Hair! Didn’t I tell you he was going to be trouble? Fuckin’ Floppy Hair.
At the skin flaying, Rory overhears that her mother is basically torturing herself to get money for Rory’s tuition. And even though she like, LOVES FLOPPY HAIR, she decides that she should go to Harvard’s Junior School for Future Bankers and Libertarians. Good for you, Rory! Choose education over dick! We’re all so proud of you!
Rory and Lorelai go to their cafe for coffee. GFiaBBC is there…except he’s not grubby! Nor is he wearing a baseball cap! He’s wearing what passes for early century nicely casual clothes and his hair is combed. GFiaBBC and Lorelai eye fuck and think about when they will finally get to fuck while pretending there is no way they think the other is attractive. Lorelai pretends all is normal by grilling her daughter about that Floppy Haired Guy who will eventually take her virginity. And I am once again uncomfortable. If I would have told my mom that I loved a guy when I was 16, she would have rolled her eyes and said, “You’re 16.” in a tone that means “You have no idea what love is.” I’m not sure which parenting style I prefer.
That’s it! Made it through! Not sure if I love this show – again, I’m so weirded out by this “We’re friends! But we’re related!” dynamic that I’m having trouble enjoying the show for what it is. I grew up in a different way – the way where your parents think you’re an asshole kid doing bad things even though you’re a really good kid and who gets good grades and has a job and shit and NO ONE in your family would ever mention the word “sex”. We’re Catholic and we’re repressed and we like it that way, thank you very much.
Anyway. Fuckin’ Floppy Hair.