REVIEW: GILMORE GIRLS – SEASON 1, EPISODE 2 “The Lorelais’ First Day at Chilton”

WOO HOO! Episode 2! YEAH!

I have no idea where that came from.

So we start with a very touching Mother/Daughter moment of painting toenails in the fading light of dusk while Rory eats Reddi-Whip out of a can. Then, as if by divine intervention, Lane comes running out of the dusky night, CD held aloft like the Olympic torch, so the girls can participate in one of those cool Mom/Daughter and her Friend dance parties to rockin’ tunage.

Suffice to say that I find all of this ridiculous. I mean, who eats Reddi-Whip out of a can while NOT standing in front of the open refrigerator door crying? No one. No one normal, anyway.

After the contrived cold open and a very orange opening credit sequence – seriously, this is like viewing TV through an Instagram filter- we find out that Lorelai has overslept on Rory’s first day of school! Her furry alarm clock, which I’m guessing is the great great great great grandparent of the Juno hamburger phone, didn’t work and now her daughter is screaming time at her in a way that would have ended up with me missing at least one tooth had I decided to pull that shit with my mother. Again, this is a weird dynamic for me.

Lorelai’s clothes are all the the dry cleaners so she has to wear Daisy Duke’s more modest wardrobe because COMEDY and because SHE DOESN’T FIT IN and we have to make sure we understand through visual the visual contrast of her clothes vs. Chilton. Once they arrive at the Day Care Center for Richie Rich, Rory forces her cowgirl mother to take her to the Head Master’s office. Of course. Because why not?

While making their way to the Head Master’s office something horrible happens. Lorelai meets a Chilton dad and I immediately freak the fuck out and start screaming in terror. Why? Chilton dad is DONNIE PFASTER from The X-Files. As a huge X-Files fan all I have to say is: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! OH NO! AHHHHHHHH! RUN! RUN! IT’S DONNIE PFASTER! RUN! KILLER! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Perhaps this doesn’t mean anything to you. Allow me to explain so you too can be considerably terrified for the length of time this man is on this show.

Donnie PFaster appeared in an episode called “Irresistible” about a man who is a “death fetishist”. Really, he’s a god damned necrophiliac but Fox was uncomfortable with the term so they made the show change it. He works at funeral homes to have access to corpses, he picks up and kills hookers so he can fill his pillows with their hair, he keeps fingers in his freezer because he loves a nicely painted fingernail (who doesn’t, am I right?) Pfaster sees Scully and all her red haired glory and fixates on her. He forces her car off the road and takes her back to his mother’s place where he is going to wash her hair before killing her and turing her into a throw pillow. Luckily, Mulder and team find her and Pfaster is arrested.

What’s terrifying about this episode is that there is nothing supernatural about Pfaster at all. He “morphs” into a demon a few times for a few seconds, but he is not actually a demon (the “morphing” was taken from accounts of a serial killer’s surviving victims (Dahmer, I think?), who said that at times he looked like he changed into a demon.) Pfaster is the kind of monster that we hear about on the news – the kind of man who they make Forensic Files episodes about. He is the fear that all of us have of the noise in the dark when we’re alone at night. He is a living representation of the evil that humans are capable of. As Mulder says in the closing monologue – he’s scarier than any X-File.

I feel bad that I can’t see this actor as anyone else other than Donnie Pfaster. I guess it says something to the power of his performance. But he scares the shit out of me. And I’m sure he’s nice! He’s a good actor and he’s the kind of blandly handsome that you see in former ball players that become local sportscasters. But still. AAHHHHH and stuff.

So.

Lorelai meets Donnie Pfaster and he likes her. Probably because he knows she was painting toenails in the cold open and he wants to put them in his fucking freezer for a tea time snack. But she escapes with all her limbs and hair intact and I am happy. But not happy for long because Judgy WASP Mom is hanging out with the Head Master in order to cockblock any positive things that could make mother or daughter happy. Fucking nightmare. I’m with Lorelai – getting away from her parents was probably the smartest thing she’s ever done. Sucks that she has to reconnect with them because $$$$$.

After Lorelai leaves to go find real clothes and WASP mom goes to buy things to fill the gaping canyon in her chest where normal people keep their souls, Rory goes to get her schedule or whatever from some office. It is here we are presented with a world that would not be possible today – a world in which the children of the wealthy are talked down to and told that they need to step up their fucking game or they’ll fail. In reality this behavior would get administrators fired after a few well-placed calls from powerful helicopter parents who think (correctly) they can buy their children success because education is a commodity in America. We’re also treated to some weird scene where an Insecure Blonde Girl reads Rory’s file and is worried Rory will usurp her as The Smartest.

Back in Stars Hollow, Lorelai talks to the coffee shop owner with the backwards baseball cap who she will one day fuck. He’s performing the very manly task of Fixing Things While Wearing Flannel…but I think he’s just trying to get burnt toast out of the toaster with a screwdriver?

At Private School, some Spiky Haired Dildo wanders into Rory’s English class. He calls her “Mary” – guessing because she looks like a goody goody? He’s no good, you can tell instantly.

Let us pause here to predict the storyline for Spiky going forward – He’s gonna hit on Rory. She’s not going to understand why he likes her, but he’s going to be aggressive and pushy and everyone will tell her that OMG, Spiky likes you! And he’s popular! And all her friends wish Spiky liked them! Eventually Rory will succumb to this pressure and agree to study with him or something. This will be around the time we have the Very Special Episode in which Spiky here will try to force Rory to do sex stuff with him (who, as we discussed last review, will lose her virginity to Floppy Hair.) Rory will escape, but everyone at school will think she did the sex stuff and call her a slut and/or whore. There will be a lot of discussion about how the way people perceive you doesn’t mean you are those things – and that having sex doesn’t make you anything other than a person who has had sex. Someone, probably a girl we will meet at the beginning of the Very Special Episode, will tell Rory that Spiky did the same thing to her and everyone turned on her, too. She and Rory will become friends. Spiky will go to another school or graduate, and that will be the end of that. As I’ve never watched this show other than these two episodes, I don’t know if I’m off the mark or strangely close. Don’t tell me! (I bet I’m right, though.)

After class Insecure Blonde Girl like…threatens Rory into not being smart or something? This storyline is dumb and should be hated.

Other stuff happens that isn’t that important and then…DONNIE PFASTER SHOWS UP AT THE INN. AHHHHHHHHHHHH! NO! Run, Lorelai, run! That dinner = washing your hair in freezing bathtub before using your fingers as a necklace. She says no thanks on dinner and he goes to China. Like, literally. Goes to China. Let us hope he does not return to stabby stabby knife kill anyone on this show.

What else happens? Rory breaks Insecure Blonde Girl’s gigantic town project. There D&D dioramas smaller and less detailed than this thing. Then there’s a weird back and forth between Rory and this chick, which, again, FUCK this stupid storyline. DUMB. NO ONE CARES.

Back in a storyline I care about – Lorelai is back in the coffee shop with the owner and all his flannel and backwards baseball capped glory. He’s jealous the Donnie Pfaster hit on Lorelai. If he knew what I knew he’d be calling the fucking cops before he can chop Lorelai into pieces. I’m assuming this is the start of the “I like you but won’t tell you but Imma get pissed about you dating other people” storyline – which is complete and total bullshit. Just be adults, admit you like each other, and fuck, will you?

Lorelai leaves to go scream into her WASP mother’s face about using money to buy love. She’s been trying to buy all the things there are to buy this entire episode, and Lorelai has had enough. Good. WASP mom is the worst. After school, Lorelai, Rory, and Lane wander through town talking about their days (no dance party, sadly.) Lane goes home to eat her mom’s gross health food, Lorelai mentions Coffee Man to Rory in that way that means she likes him but doesn’t want other people to know she likes him like she’s a god damned teenager and not a full grown adult woman.

The end! Episode 2 down!

I don’t like this show but I don’t hate it. It is acceptable. Perhaps that will change over time?

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