REVIEW: GILMORE GIRLS – SEASON 1, EPISODE 3 “KILL ME”

In watching this show I have decided that every ridiculous over the top thing they show rich people doing is fact and not embellished at all for entertainment purposes. Rich people always have dinner by candlelight. Rich people are overbearing and pushy. Rich people are so consumed with whatever they think about all day (money?) that they cannot tell the difference between male and female staff. This is my Rich People Head Canon. So it is written, so shall it be done.

We open this episode on Boring Dinner with WASP family. Do you think that if Bruce Wayne sat down and watched this cold open he’d be happy his parents were dead because all Rich WASP people are boring as fuck? (HEAD CANON, remember? From like a paragraph ago?)

Side note – the title sequence of this show, in addition to being an Instagram filter before its time, would fit in quite well in Too Many Cooks.

At the boring WASP dinner, the show sets up the two stories we’ll get to see in this episode – Rory needs to play a team sport for her snob school and Lorelai has a big wedding to coordinate at the Inn! OH. MAN. This is just like when the killer cuts off everyone’s head in Too Many Cooks.

Rory will hang out with her grandfather and learn to play golf. I’m a little unclear on why Spacey Grandpa would be so against hanging out with the granddaughter he really never saw much before this? I didn’t have grandfathers (Yes, this is true. I was made of clay on an Island but instead of getting blessed by the gods while they were being all benevolent and shit, I was blessed while they were playing a drinking game called “How Fucked Up Is It?” In this game, you try to create the most fucked up thing you can think of. This same drinking game led to things like the giraffe, the platypus, and everything terrifying that can kill you in Australia.) If I had a grandfather, I think it would have been cool to hang out with him, especially if he wore a tweed jacket and a bowtie. That’s pretty fucking rad. Regardless, this turns into some weird bet with Judgy WASP Mom and Lorelai because that’s a normal way to interact with your fucking family. This is ridiculous and stupid and contrived. BOOOOOOOOO. It’s only slightly worse than the really weird “I’d rather shoot my own foot off and eat it with a gun spoon and then use my toenails as earrings than go to the club with you!” thing between Rory and Lorelai outside WASP house.

At the Inn, we learn that Mother of the Brides (yep, they’re TWINS! TWIN BRIDES! MARRYING TWIN GROOMS! TOO MANY COOKS! TOO MANY COOKS! TOO MANY COOKS WILL SPOIL THE BROTH…) She hates her children. Her kids are terrible and she knows they are terrible and she can’t wait until they go the fuck away. Finally! A mother I can relate to!

Some other stuff happens – Melissa McCarthy and a dude who looks like he works on a tugboat fight over a delivery of strawberries. I love Melissa McCarthy, but this dialogue is really painful. It’s two actors saying lines at each other and rolling their eyes on cue, though it’s more on Tugboat Guy than her. Then her and Lorelai go stand with Obnoxious French Guy (OFG) and stare at the BrideGroomTwins. It’s weird. It’s like watching the end of the universe try to punch itself in the face. (The Universe has a face now. I expect this awesome fact I just made up will be reflected in all the textbooks post haste.)

At the golf course, Rory and her jaunty golf cap make friends with Spacey Grandpa. They like spending time together! They like the same things and hate the same people and like to take steams…which I assume is something actual country club members do here in the States and is not just something Finnish people do after trying to shock their systems into sudden death by jumping into literal ice water. Seriously – Finland is an amazing place (that I’ve never been to) but I really don’t understand the sauna fetish. Do you want splinters in your ass while sweating through your upper lip? Have you seen my upper lip? Case closed.

Back at the coffee shop, Lorelai gets really upset that Rory likes Spacey Grandfather. As we see later in the episode, this is just more dumb manufactured drama. “Oh no, by liking my dad, Rory is rejecting everything that I am! This threatens my very being!!” It’s stupid for two reasons – 1) It’s reductionist thinking and I don’t believe Lorelai is dumb enough to fall into that kind of trap; and 2) We, the audience, don’t believe for one second that Rory is rejecting her mother just because she likes Spacey Grandpa and golf and taking steams in rooms were she could get splinters in her ass. We know this will work itself out, so it’s just a bunch of filler around overarching, season-long plot points.

Did I just give real commentary on this episode? That can’t be right.

What I meant to say was I’m feeling Grubby Coffee Guy. He’s rocking a denim shirt, which I will forgive him for because it fits well enough that we can tell he’s got a great set of broad shoulders under that thing. The sleeves are rolled up to the elbows to display sexy forearm. His hair is a little too long and he’s got that “I care but I don’t care” stubble dudes often have. He’d the kind of guy that I would have totally wanted to fuck back in…uh…all the times in my life, so I probably would have gone to his coffee shop and read “smart” books trying to get him to talk to me. He would be polite because I’m a customer, but I look like I look so we would never have boned. And then I would have gone home, looked in the mirror before sighing audibly and adding yet another dude to my “HAHAHAHA – Not Happenin’, Fatty” list. But, yeah. Lorelai, get some of that Environmentally Conscious Coffee Guy before he discovers that abstinence saves four giant pandas a day or some shit.

Now we come to the most ridiculous scene in this show to date. The Boob Argument. Stemming from Lorelai’s insecurity over Rory liking rich people things, she literally accuses her teenage daughter of STRETCHING OUT HER SWEATER WITH HER GIANT BOOBS.

First: What?

Second: Way to give your daughter a complex about her body at a time in her life when she is most vulnerable to shit like that. Your job is not to add to the body bullshit that society piles on girls from the second they’re born! What the fuck is wrong with you?

Third: I’m no boob connoisseur, but I am a person with working ocular sensors and functioning perception – there’s no fucking way Rory’s boobs are bigger than Lorelai’s.

I have no words for this. I don’t really care that Lorelai recognizes that she’s been ridiculous and understands WHY she’s upset – though, thank god we don’t have to go through 19 episodes of Angry Lorelai not understanding why she’s upset and being an asshole for no reason – it’s just DUMB. I guess I’m supposed to forget that this is a bad development because Melissa McCarthy chases Overacting Tugboat Guy down the street during an argument over strawberries. HAAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA I just forgot about filler drama because COMEDY!

There’s an apology at the wedding while Lorelai is wearing a scarf that looks like one of those belts that comes with mature women’s capri pants.

This belt thing. I’m sure it has a technical fashion name but I only know fashion terms like “flattering” and “draws the eye away from the problem areas”.

I’m glad she’s apologizing and we’re putting this plot to bed. But maybe not, because Lorelai sits at WASP parents’ house sadly drinking wine while Rory hangs with her grandparents.

Just please promise me there aren’t any boob sweater arguments. And make sure we have more moments like the one where Judgy WASP Mom discovers what “leftovers” are. That was fun.

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