One thought on this episode’s cold open – what kind of kid writes on legal pads in high school? Shouldn’t Rory be angling for a fancy Five Star notebook? Or a poor child to follow her around and take notes for her like all the rest of her rich buddies have?
We open this episode with Rory in English class with a Zach Braff knockoff teacher. If I’m not mistaken, Rory had English class back in episode two with an older professor who looked nothing like a guy who got lost in New Jersey once and thought he needed to write a coming of age story about it starring himself and Natalie Portman. I’m guessing original English teacher got fired because he, I don’t know, showed his dick to the lunch lady? And Lunch Lady was like, “That’s not organic!” and threw a frying pan at him. Her aim was true, he ended up in the hospital, and now Zach Braff works at Chilton.
Knockoff Zach Braff gives Rory back her paper and she gets a D. Let’s be honest about this D – it honestly looks like he tied a pen to his dog’s tail and the dog scribbled what looks like a D on the paper and he was like, “saves me from reading it! D it is!!”
Then we get more of that Insecure Overachiever taunting Rory for being not smart. Why she’s threatened by Rory is still unclear. And then! Then – Spiky Hair comes up and hits on Rory. He’s disgusting and gross and I wish the Lunch Lady had thrown that frying pan at him. Thank God Rory seems immune to her charms…for now.
Sookie gets a good review in a magazine because her food is good, which is good. Good? Good. Except the reviewer says the risotto is “fine” and that upsets Clumsy Melissa McCarthy because, as we learn later, this risotto is MAGICAL because it, like, brought her mother back from the dead? Reanimating the dead is usually a bad thing but not in this universe.
While reading said review, Bag Lady Rory appears to eat chocolate out of a measuring cup and ask her mom if whatever they’re looking at in the magazine is a) naked and b) has a nice ass. While I both understand and appreciate this impulse, as it is one I have myself, would I say it to my mother in front of her friend? Also – does the Inn Lorelai runs make enough money to have a HARP PLAYER on staff? Who has harp money just lying around?
Rory doesn’t tell her mom about the D she got on her paper and they do a role reversal thing where Rory tells Lorelai to go to her room where there is ice cream or men or men covered in ice cream. I may not have actually been paying attention to that scene.
Does Rory’s friend Lane live in a storage unit? It’s supposed to be an “antique shop” but I think Lane’s mother is actually a hoarder and her hoarding is easily masked by pretending its just an overcrowded junk shop. You can’t get anything past me! I watched all the seasons of Hoarders! Lane mentions that a guy asked about Rory during Poor School – I am assuming this is Floppy Hair. He is feeling sad that Rory is at Rich School and he is unable to brush his floppy hair playfully out of his eyes while he flirts with her. We are all sad about that, Floppy.
At a parent-teacher conference, Lorelai makes it very obvious that she just DOESN’T BELONG with these people. In fairness, no one belongs with these people because they are stuck up assmongers. Are rich people actually like this? Is this what having children like? Do humans actually wander around wearing beige and being the worst humans without realizing they are the worst? Lorelai meets Knockoff Zach Braff who doesn’t really look like Zach Braff in this scene, and he likes Lorelai. Likes her butt or whatever. Men like butts, right? But in between him looking at her boobs and butt he mentions that Rory got a D. Way to go Zach. Way to spoil shit.
We go back to Luke’s cafe where Backwards Baseball Cap is continuing to be all hot and manly and grubby. He brings pie. He is a good man. Rory and Lorelai rally and decide they will collectively study for Rory’s Shakespeare test. It’s really sweet that they do this together. unfortunately, it’s all for nothing because Rory oversleeps and has to drive herself to school. Except while she’s at a stop sign she gets hit by a deer. Not she hits a deer – A DEER HITS HER. Now, I would consider this ridiculous had I not seen Louis C.K.’s bit about how deer are, as he says, “shit animals.”
Fair warning – you play that clip and you may hear some controversial language.
At school, Rory is late. She pulls a Whiplash and starts yelling at her teacher in the middle of the classroom, demanding to take the test. And then, she does the greatest thing that’s happened in all 5 episodes of this season. She gets in Insecure Overachiever’s face and asks her point-blank what the fuck is wrong with her. GOOD. JOB. RORY. Fuck that dumb bitch and her inferiority complex. Her issues are not your issues. On the way out of the classroom, she screams into Spiky’s face that her name isn’t Mary. I hope that made his Rory boner shrivel up into his abdomen forever so she won’t have to deal with his gross ass assface.
Of course, Lorelai gets called to the school and the Headmaster is all dickish and Lorelai tells him that he and his whole school is just a fucking golden phallus full of bullshit designed to break kids and make them extra shitty. She is correct. Somehow no one gets kicked out of school and Lorelai and Rory search the words for the piece of shit deer and decide that Rory isn’t going to freak out over this dumb school because she’s too smart and cool and whatever. And something happens with the magic risotto so Sookie is once again happy with her risotto/Lazarus pit.
Not Zach Braff calls and says she can do some makeup stuff and everyone is happy. Yay, or whatever.