Sorry it’s taken me so long to get this one up. Lots of me falling asleep on the couch instead of doing work. In high school I wanted to start a church called “The Church of Sleep” because sleep is better than most all things (I’ll let you ponder on what those “other things” could be :winky face: :rolls eyes: :kills self:).
We start with another dinner cold open and some talk of dead people and Nazis, which, in 2015, is quite the overlapping Venn diagram. Uplifting!
We start with Lorelai not baking things for the homemade Chilton bake sale. I’m sorry, this is a rich school where the kids have parents with fucking servants and I’m supposed to believe that those parents (mothers, if we’re honest here) are actually baking themselves. NO. These parents aren’t baking! They are paying people to bake for them! I thought Rory was supposed to be the smart one in this family? (Side note – Lane is skanking to Rancid in Rory’s bedroom because this show is straight out of the fucking ’90s. She’s wearing a Poe shirt and, ugh, I LOVE POE. Especially the second album that wouldn’t come out for years until after this scene was filmed. Anyway.)
Rory & Lorelai’s crazy neighbors have a cat named Cinnamon that they pull around in a wagon. I would poke fun at this but I am also a cat person and if my fat cat would walk on a leash I’d take him everywhere because I am an insane asshole. Shine on, you crazy diamonds!
Floppy Hair does that thing that people only do on TV and follows Rory onto the bus so he can talk to her for like 2 minutes about bullshit. And then he does that other annoying TV-only thing and calls her by her full name. The only time anyone calls anyone by their full names is at the DMV, in school, and when you die (probably). Other than that, no. I call most people “dude”or “fucker” or “dudefucker”! Fuck that stupid TV trope.
At the bake sale, Sookie has been forced to bake for all the rich dicks wandering the Rich Hogwarts for Muggles campus. She tries to burn shit down in a show of righteous protesting, but Lorelai stops her (because she is a puppet of the oppressor.) Or she stops Sookie from being clumsy and accidentally setting a table on fire. It’s hard to tell.
Discount Zach Braff appears to be all professory and ask Lorelai on a date. He’s wearing a tweed jacket and I have to admit that I’m a sucker for men in tweed anything. But I’m more of a sucker for grumpy dudes slinging coffee and wearing flannel while possessing broad shoulders, so I vote she says “NO” to Rory’s Teacher and goes with Coffee Shop Guy. She doesn’t, because she likes to make bad choices. This is a terrible idea and there is no way this will end well or end without everyone at school finding out about this. This will happen in…3 episodes, maybe? That’s my guess.
They set up a “I happened to run into you accidentally on purpose” coffee date. Bad call, honey.
Rory and Lane wander through town when this happens:
Do you see it? Right there in the left corner – THAT IS A WOMAN PUSHING A FAKE BABY IN A STROLLER. I can only assume that the fake baby wrangler in this show went on to wrangle that fake baby in American Sniper. Oh, and Rory’s crazy neighbors hurry by with a sick Cinnamon. Poor kitty.
Lorelai meets Discount Braff and they talk more about Rory because Discount Braff is her teacher. I’m all for consenting adults doing whatever they want as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone, but they should probably wait until Rory is no longer Discount Braff’s student just so if anyone finds out about her mom dating him it doesn’t look like anything untoward is going on. His dick will still be there next semester, Lorelai!!
Then he says, “Goodbye, Lorelai Gilmore.” and I immediately want the coffee shop to burn down. NO ONE DOES THIS SHIT IN REAL LIFE. STOP. STOP BEING FUCKING WEIRD.
Sookie and Lorelai have a conversation about dating Discount Braff while Sookie violates the sanctity of Luke’s counter. Lorelai hasn’t told Rory that she wants to date her teacher! DUH DUH DUH!! But she never gets the chance to tell her because Cinnamon dies and everyone gathers around the crazy neighbors.
The entire town turns out for Cinnamon’s wake. I will repeat this – the whole town comes out to mourn a cat. Most people would find this ridiculous. But I realize that I have found my people. I love cats. I love cats more than people. I still tear up when I think of T.C., my childhood cat who passed away after 19 wonderful years. She was such a good cat.
A wake for a cat is not insane and weird, it’s just what you do when a that wonderful ball of love and claws crosses the Rainbow Bridge.
Discount Braff shows up to take Lorelai to dinner, and of course Rory sees him before her mom can explain about the dating and the possible sex with her teacher. He is skeptical of the “Cat Wake” claims but takes Lorelai at her word before driving off in a midlife crisismobile.
Crazy Neighbor Lady (Babette, aka Sally Struthers (who is still alive!)) tells Lorelai that you have to figure out what you want your life to be once you aren’t so busy taking care of the kids. This is amazing advice for anyone. Those of us who have grown and left our parents houses know someone who has parents who have yet to move on from the days when they were chasing their children around the house or driving them to soccer practice. It’s not that they don’t want to move on, they don’t know how. Maybe it’s something that you need to keep in the back of your mind when you have children – they will grow up. They will move out. They will move on. You need to do the same.
Babette is worried that her giant tree of a husband will leave her now that Cinnamon, who is like their child, has passed away. She says, “I never thought a man would ever even want me.” OH. GOD. Tears. Tears for days. I feel you, Babette. I’d wager most straight women who aren’t conventionally attractive know this feeling. I never thought I’d ever have a relationship, let alone get married, because I spent my entire youth listening to various versions of, “You’re a great person, BUT-” speeches from dudes I wanted to date.
Mad respect to both you and your weird mini countertops, Babette. I feel you.
Rory, on the other hand, is having a teenage moment that I must live through vicariously as it never happened to me. Floppy Hair shows up and tells her that he gets that she’s not interested and promises to leave her alone. But she is interested! She tells him so (that a girl!) and they end the scene on smiles and 90s pop rock feels.
Lorelai finally finds Rory on the porch and tells her about the sexdate with her teacher. Rory was just mad that her mom didn’t tell her about it.
When they get home Judgy Wasp Mom calls and Lorelai accidentally mentions the cat’s wake. In the cold open, she said she and Rory couldn’t go to a funeral for some distant relation that only rich people seem to have because she was too busy at work. This leads to the Rory/Lorelai conversation about if it’s ok for her to date the teacher. Rory’s a bit of a bratty bitch (aka a teenager) but she thinks it’s fine. Happy ending!
RIP, Cinnamon. I’m sure you were a good kitty.