Review: Gotham – Season 1, Episode 18 “Everyone Has a Cobblepot”

I posted my review of episode 17 about 90 minutes before last night’s episode aired. In my review I complained about how Jim Gordon was getting stuck with the “Freak of the Week” storyline. Not this episode!

Unfortunately, there is no eye-gouging in this episode. BUT! There is Bullock threatening to smash a guy’s head into the pavement while hanging him out of a moving car (set to rock music!!) Win?

The driver during the Bullock Threatening A Guy Scene (may not be accurate)

Jimmy G starts out this episode by being lied to by Bruce & Alfred. This is Alfred:

While Alfred is being a great role model for Bruce by instilling the valuable lesson of”Don’t rat out friends to the cops (even when they stab you) because snitches get stitches, etc.”, Jim’s phone is going fucking nuts. The Captain is calling! What could it be?

Detective Flass has been acquitted of killing that kindly witness. Jim’s flabbergasted – how could that happen? They had the murder weapon with Flass’s fingerprints on it (and that guy got STABBED IN THE BACK AND THE MEDICAL EXAMINER TRIED TO SAY IT WAS SUICIDE.) Harvey Dent is all, “I dunno, half of my face is always cast in a shadow for some reason.” Jim storms up to Commissioner Loeb’s office to discover that Bullock said he submitted falsified evidence to the case.

Back in the day, Bullock, like Jim, was told to shoot someone as a part of his police work or else he’d end up dead. So he did. Loeb holds it over him, which is why he had to lie about the falsified evidence. He tells Jim that a lot of the guys have a Cobblepot, Jim’s is just the only one who came back with bad hair. This means at least 50% of the GCPD are murderers, but THAT doesn’t both Jim – Flass getting off bothers Jim. So he blusters off to do some investigatin’ with Harvey Dent.

Harvey tells Jim that he heard Loeb has some secret stash of blackmail evidence on all sorts of people. (Also, Loeb has a dead wife. No big.) They try to shake down Loeb’s old partner, who sends them to a base for a gambling ring/gang hangout/Chinese restaurant. It’s a set up and they run from a bunch of dudes who don’t have guns for some reason. This isn’t fucking England, bros. It’s America and America is rife with rifles (…I’ll show myself out.)

Bullock saves them from the Stick Wielding Gang. He tells Harvey to get the fuck out because there is only room for one Harvey in the car, and then he tries to grind the side of Loeb’s old partner’s face off by rubbing it against moving pavement. The partner tells them that Loeb is (of course) working for Falcone. And Penguin knows Falcone so obviously he knows where Loeb’s evidence is? Sure, guys. We’ll just pretend that’s a logical leap.

Penguin and Jim and Bullock pile into the car and drive out to Smallville where there is an old farm house that will one day belong to the Kents. I’m sure that’s true. They forgot their picnic lunch so they have to hang out with the creepy farmer who feels the need to point out that his wife was “hot to trot.” She tries to shoot everyone because her husband is gross, or because they know Gordon & Crew haven’t been sent by Loeb. After the Farmer’s Wife runs into a table so they can escape, Gordon and Bullock discover a woman in the attic. She’s Loeb’s daughter who killed her mom and likes to make jewelry out of birds she kills. It is not explained how she manages to get the bones so clean.

Side note – while interviewing Loeb’s daughter, Bullock eats crackers. It’s fucking hilarious and I’m not sure why. He really is the best character on the show.

Back at headquarters, Jim is all “HAHA, Loeb! I’m gonna use your daughter as leverage! Instead of getting her the help she obviously needs, give me all the evidence you have on all the cops!”

Loeb is all, “I’ll give you Bullock’s stuff. Thank you for allowing my daughter to stay in the farm house which is now devoid of caretakers instead of taking her somewhere where she could actually get help and have a normal life one day. It’s better for her to live completely isolated from people.”

Jim is all, “Agreed! Let’s never speak of her again! Anyway, can you, like, back me for President of the police union? I want to be like that asshole in New York.”

Later, Bullock tells Gordon that he’s really going to regret owing Penguin a favor. Not leaving a woman who cannot care for herself in an abandoned farm house. The Penguin thing. ‘Cause fuck bitches, am I right?

Oh, and Penguin kills the farmer’s wife (he let the couple escape while Jim& Bullock were talking to Loeb’s daughter) after she kills her husband. Too many “Hot to trot!” comments in front of strangers, I guess?

Fish has a new eye. It’s a shade of blue that doesn’t exist in nature, but we’re supposed to believe it’s real. Gotham missed a real opportunity by not giving her an eye patch. Think of how she’d coordinate it to her outfits!

I was wrong about the creepy guy from last episode being The Dollmaker. Since he failed with Fish, he’s been given a great set of tits, because the absolute worst thing that the Gotham writers can think of is a) being a woman, or b) being rejected by a woman (see – Nygma, Ed).  The Dollmaker agrees to work with Fish, and she goes back down to the basement to sell out her fellow basement captives. She babbles on about family and they don’t kill her immediately, accepting that some of them will be turned into human spare parts for a maniac. Sure.

Fish also discovers she’s stuck on the Island of Dr. Moreau and cannot escape.

Bruce doesn’t do much this episode except look sad while sitting next to Alfred. Also, I don’t know what the fuck makeup did to this poor kid’s face, but he’s got these streaks on his cheeks, nose, and forehead that are obviously about 3 shades darker than his actual skin tone and not blended properly.

Selina wanders in to the hospital room because Ivy saw Bruce when she snuck into the hospital to steal food (that’s really sad, actually.) Selina hugs him once she sees how serious Alfred’s condition is, and Bruce cannot help but smile. Awww. You crazy kids. Part of me wants this show to jump 15 years in future for Batman/Catwoman sexy times, and the other part of me wants them to be innocent and sweet with each other forever.

Bruce tells Selina that he thinks Alfred’s friend was at the manor because he was spying on Bruce for the Board. That’s some great detectiving, Brucie. He’s going to track this guy down. Selina offers to help. This will be adorable.

We continue the sad march to “He’s the Riddler because a girl rejected him!” origin story. Fucking terrible. There’s got to be at least one writer in that writing room who is all, “Um…maybe this isn’t the best idea…?” and there’s the guy who thought it up who is all, “NO. BITCHES NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT WHEN THEY DON’T GIVE UP THEIR PUSSIES TO MEN WHO ARE NICE TO THEM THIS IS WHAT CAN HAPPEN! EVEN THOUGH NICE IS THE LITERAL BASELINE WE EXPECT FROM 4-YEAR-OLD CHILDREN ON THE PLAYGROUND, WHEN MEN ARE NICE TO WOMEN THEY ARE OWED SEX! OWED!!!!!!! WOMEN ARE FUCKING SUPPOSED TO FUCK WHOEVER HOLDS A DOOR FOR THEM! IT’S, LIKE, EVOLUTION!” :tips fedora, chugs Hot Cheetos Mountain Dew: And everyone just changes the subject and adds a mental note to call the cops with an “anonymous tip” when that dude’s neighbor goes missing.

I hope this storyline mysteriously disappears.

???? Probably off at girl scout camp where they will make Sit Upons out of old wallpaper samples and read Teen Beat and talk about shopping at Justice or whatever teenage girls do at camp.

Next episode is in April? Fuck, man.


One thought on “Review: Gotham – Season 1, Episode 18 “Everyone Has a Cobblepot”

  1. Pingback: Review: Gotham – Season 1, Episode 19 “Beasts of Prey” | Last Ditch Effort

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