Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 1, Episode 7 “Kiss and Tell”

Hey, look! I remembered I was reviewing this show!

It’s Thanksgiving(ish) in Stars Hollow and the whole town is excitedly decorating. Except Backwards Baseball Cap Diner Guy (Luke), because he’s a snarly curmudgeon who hates decorating and holidays and anything pointless that people do to fill their empty souls. He’s my favorite.

Me, after learning Luke hates All The Things.

After school, Rory (the young one) goes to visit her boyfriend Floppy Hair at his after school job. He’s completing the important task of building a Mayflower out of cans of cranberry sauce. The Founding Fathers would be so proud.

Floppy Hair offers her a “free” soda, and as she’s guessing what kinds of soda he’s holding behind his back, he kisses her. Rory automatically does what any teenage girl would do when receiving a kiss from a boy and shoplifts a box of corn starch.

She runs to Lane’s house where Lane’s mom, who tries to mentally shrivel all penises that might come within 100 yards of her daughter, overhears the Tale of the Cornstarch Smooch. Lane’s mom then relays this tale to Lorelai. Lorelai is upset that her daughter didn’t tell her about the kiss.

I’ve said this before but I have a really hard time understanding/relating to these characters at times like this. I didn’t tell my mother about my first kiss. She would have killed me. And if she didn’t kill me, she wouldn’t have wanted to hear about it in detail.

I don’t know. Maybe I need to watch this show and take it as a Master’s Class in a more open, friendly parenting style. Of course, if I do that and then have kids, will I ever get to use the phrases: “I’m your mother, not your friend” and, “I brought you into this world and I’ll take you out.” Those are pretty great phrases. Decisions, decisions.

Lorelai decides that the best way to get to the bottom of this is to stalk a teenage boy at his job. Totally ok and not a violation of boundaries! Luke, he of the Cafe/Backwards Baseball Cap, catches her ogling Floppy Hair. Luke is all, “stop it. Let’s hate shit instead.” and Lorelai is all, “Floppy Hair looks like Rory’s dad.” Ewww. (I say ewww, but I married a man who turned to me the other day and said, “You know, I just realized that I’m a lot like your dad.”)

At home, Lorelai bites the bullet and just asks Rory about the kiss. They end up fighting about how “fine” Lorelai is. She’s completely not fine and neither is Rory but they’re gonna pretend.

The Gilmores go to the grocery store to buy a bunch of junk food the actresses portraying the characters cannot eat if they want to remain employed. They blow $42 bucks on junk food for movie night, and as an Official Fat Girl, even I find that excessive.

While Rory is renting a movie, Lorelai invites Floppy Hair over for movie night without asking Rory. Rory does the teenage girl thing and acts like her life is fucking over forever. They fight. Whatever.

Dean comes over and everyone is awkward. Sookie comes bearing desserts because everyone has to stare at Floppy Hair like he’s a god damned side show attraction. In fairness, his hair is something to behold. While watching the movie, Lorelai gets the hint and leaves the kids alone to think about how great it is to sit within millimeters of your crush (Despite evidence to the contrary, I remember being a 16-year-old girl. A fat one no one wanted, but still.) Rory, upon smelling Floppy, freaks. This was in the days before Axe body spray ruined a generation of olfactory nerves, so she’s probably breathing in some Drakkar Noir or Coolwater. Floppy is a teenage boy, so I’m sure however much he’s wearing, it’s still too much.

Every dude in my high school had a bottle of this shit.

Lorelai comes back into the living room and pulls the “if you hurt my daughter I will rip your penis off and use it as the Horn of Plenty in the town square.” And Floppy decides to talk back to Lorelai during this talk and refuse to be intimidated. My mother would have killed him then and there for his disrespect. Lorelai doesn’t do that and Floppy lives to flop another day.

Floppy leaves and Rory and Lorelai talk about “The Kiss” like bestest friends. …wut?

We’ve got a mother who doesn’t immediately throw the “disrespectful” boyfriend out of the house by the back of his pants AND who giggles like a 14-year-old when learning, in detail, about her daughter’s first kiss?

This show is like watching TV in a foreign language.

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2 thoughts on “Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 1, Episode 7 “Kiss and Tell”

  1. Several things:

    First, I am SO WITH YOU in that I would have rather ripped off all of my fingernails with tweezers than tell my mom (or dad) about my first kiss. No. Just no. HELL no. However, I have somehow miraculously managed to raise my kids in such a manner that my 16 year old just told me about his first kiss last week. He just told me, and though I was internally screaming (JUST LIKE THE ZACH BRAFF GIF THAT IS ZACH BRAFF AND NOT NOT ZACH BRAFF, WELL DONE!!) it really made me appreciate the fact that whatever I’ve done wrong, I obviously did something right because my kids actually talk to me. Really talk to me. Clearly I have an inner Lorelai Gilmore in my brain, and I’m ok with that.

    Also, my husband wears Coolwater. He’s not a teenage boy, though he was when we met a bazillion years ago, but he’s always worn Coolwater and I love it.

    Horn of Plenty? Oh my gawd. I have laughed myself silly at these posts. Thank you.

    • Aww, that’s so sweet. You did do something right with your son – I won’t discuss sex with my mother and I’ve been married for 5 years!!!

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