Lorelai is thrilled that it’ll finally start snowing in Stars Hollow. She loves snow! it’s magical and pretty and amazing!
Amongst Lorelai’s excitement for snow, Lane, clad in her band uniform, is trying to tell Rory that she’s in love with some band geek. Side note – does anyone outside of TV actually wear their band uniform when not performing in band? Those hats are intense.
The problem – Rory isn’t actually paying any attention to Lane. This is a total dick move. Lane was good enough to sit there and listen to the never-ending saga of Floppy Hair and the Cornstarch Smooch, the least Rory could do is to listen to Lane’s story about her tingling feelings for that guy who plays tuba or whatever. Rude.
Rory (still rudely ignoring her friend) and Lane go to the bus stop to meet Floppy. Rory & Floppy proceed to completely ignore Lane and make her feel like she is the Literal Worst. Rory’s all “he he, I brought you these cookies that I hate and didn’t bake!” and Floppy is all “my hair is extra floptacular today!” and Lane is all :VOMIT. CHOKE. DIE.:
Judgy WASP Mom calls Lorelai and interrupts her babbling about snow. WASP mom is doing what my mom does whenever there is bad weather – freaking out about just how bad it’s going to be. (My parents recently came to visit me and snow was predicted for the day their flight left my home state. I received up to the minute weather texts from my mom for about 3 days, complete with predicted snow totals and possible wind speeds. Spoiler – Their flight was on time and the weather wasn’t a problem.) The weather is too bad for Lorelai to make it to dinner, so Rory will just have to stay with her grandparents in the More Depressing Wayne Manor for the night.
In Stars Hollow, Luke (adorable, rage-filled, Luke) is yelling at the local reenactor troupe. See, there was a “battle” of Stars Hollow back during the Revolutionary War. Except it wasn’t a battle. It was 12 guys standing around waiting fora battle that never happened. Luke hates
everything that people are even bothering with this reenactment. It really grinds his gears.
Lorelai runs into Luke and tells him the reenactment is tradition! Luke says that tradition is a crutch designed to let us pretend the past was better than it was. He says “things sucked back then, they just sucked without indoor plumbing.” :sigh: He’s perfect. Luke tries to get Lorelai to come into the cafe for coffee, but she says no because she is dumb and blind and CAN’T YOU SEE THAT HE WANTS TO FUCK YOU?????? He’s cute! FUCK HIM! Fuck him a lot! Jesus, Lorelai! Do I have to think of EVERYTHING?
I’m sure Lane would agree with me, but she’s too busy becoming something out of a horror movie. She just runs her hand through Band Geek’s hair. Without his consent. Oh, Lane. Honey. The embarrassment is palpable. Once she realizes what’s she’s done, she runs away. Can’t say I blame her.
During her walk, Lorelai runs into Discount Zach Braff (Rory’s teacher.) His car just happened to break down. That’s not contrived. But ok. TV. Gotcha. They’re gonna go on a date.
Judgy WASP Mom is freaking out because her cook can’t get there due to the weather (see gif above – it serves a dual purpose!) and she just DOESN’T. KNOW. WHAT. TO. DO. I dunno, cook something? Stop being useless? Actually walk in your kitchen and open the fridge on your own? Rory, who is a normal person, goes in the kitchen and makes a frozen pizza, which Judgy WASP Mom can’t fathom as actual food. (See gif above – again.)
While awaiting pizza, Lane pages (LOL LOL LOL LOL) Rory. She tells Rory that she just made a fool out of herself in front of the entire band. She also tells Rory that she has been a fucking shit friend because she’s too wrapped up in her own bullshit to consider Lane’s needs. Lane’s right. Rory is being a fuckball and no one wants to be friends with a fuckball. (What’s a fuckball? Unknown. Just trust me when I say you do not want to be friends with such a thing.) The phones go dead so Lane can’t continue telling Rory off. Disappointing.
Back in Stars Hollow, Luke brings coffee to the reenactors because he’s a great person under his prickly “I HATE” exterior. Of course, he sees Lorelai and Discount Braff being all gooey with each other in the snow. God damn it.
Anyway, Lorelai takes Braff back to the house and they almost have THE SEX. Except, Lane is at Lorelai’s house listening to “Pictures of You” by The Cure. Sexus Abortus! (Also – GOOD. No sex with dudes that look like Zach Braff. It’s, like, a rule.) Lorelai talks to Lane about the Hair Touch and she stays the night, meaning Discount Braff is left with a case of blue balls.
Rory & Lane make up in the morning and Rory promises to be a better friend.
The less said about the guy on the couch the better.