Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 1, Episode 9 “Rory’s Dance”

Rory’s Rich Kid School is holding a formal to save the spotted owl or horned owl or screech owl. As long as this dance isn’t raising funds for poor people, we’re ok!

Rory doesn’t want to go to the dance because she saw Sixteen Candles once and it scarred her for life. This is understandable. Lorelai talks her into it and tells Rory to bring Floppy Hair, who has been hanging out in their trees. So I guess Floppy is a spotted owl?

Thank God. I thought it was one of those filthy poors.

Rory and Lane wander through the snow without leaving footprints, so I can only assume they are both dead and don’t know it yet. For some reason, Rory thinks Floppy will say no to going to the dance. Rory is thin and pretty and cute (and a character on TV) so there is literally no chance this will happen to her. I, on the other hand, had to have a friend of mind threaten my high school boyfriend with bodily harm because he didn’t want to take me to the prom. There’s nothing quite like going to a formal with a guy who is only going because he likes having unbroken legs.

At school, Paris (poor, neglected Paris) wants to go to the dance with Spiky Hair. This poor girl. She can’t see that he’s obviously a rapist in training and just not worth the gallon of gel he used to get his hair to do that dumb thing boys made their hair do in the late 90s. After Spiky’s done being an ass to Paris, he is an ass to Rory, teasing her about being the only girl in line to buy dance tickets. He says, ” They guy’s supposed to buy the ticket.” Take your outdated notion of gender roles and go play in traffic, will you Spiky? NOBODY LIKES YOU (except Paris.) Rory basically tells Spiky to try to suck his own dick for fun, and Paris gets mad, yelling at everyone because she’s a ticking time bomb of rage and disappointment that will either lead to an eating disorder or cutting in future seasons. I feel really bad for her and would like to be her supportive friend who doesn’t give two shits about her GPA.

The night of the dance, Judgy WASP Mom comes to Lorelai’s house to take a million pictures of Rory in her dress. She discovers the Lorelai threw out her back while making Rory’s dress and now Lorelai is trapped on Couch Island. Judgy WASP Mom also decides to be a complete asshole and insist that Floppy come up to the door and knock…even though Rory & Floppy agreed on a “honk and I’ll be out” system. I hate that. I hate that Judgy WASP Mom’s rigid ideas of what it means to date are making a previously communicated & agreed on system moot. Maybe it’s not what Judgy WASP Mom would want from her suitor, but it works for Rory and Floppy and that’s all that should matter. Fuck Judgy WASP Mom.

19 minutes in and this is me:

Of course, Judgy WASP Mom insists on staying to help Lorelai with her back spasm. That’s just going to make the spasm worse. Stress is bad for the back. WASP Mom immediately makes me hate her more by asking Lorelai where some crystal candlesticks she gave her for Xmas are. They’re gone. Lorelai exchanged them for a “See/Hear/Speak No Evil” monkey lamp with a purple lamp shade. It’s ugly, but that’s not the point. Once you give a gift, it’s not up to you how it will be used. If the recipient wishes to exchange said gift, they are well within their rights to do so. Fuck you, WASP Mom. Guess this Poor has better “breeding” than you – badgering someone about a gift is poor form.

At the dance, one of Paris’s little friends is all, “Hey Floppy, wanna see my vaginaboobs?” and Floppy is all, “uh…are those things?” and Rory is all, “Step off my man, bitch.” It’s all very high school. Floppy goes to find drinks and Paris’s date hits on Rory. Apparently, he’s Paris’s cousin. Paris freaks out and comes screaming at Rory demanding to know how many people Rory told about the CousinDate. Rory hasn’t told anyone (except maybe Floppy) and Paris’s yelling just lets the whole school in on the scandal. This poor girl. Rory is the girl everyone wants and no one wants Paris. Oh, Paris. Darling, I KNOW.

If that wasn’t enough drama, Spiky accosts Floppy. He’s all, “I was supposed to rohypnol Rory at this dance!” and Floppy is all, :PushPunch: They measure dicks and Floppy’s is bigger. Spiky runs away to contemplate all the rapes he’ll commit in college and how much of Daddy’s money it’ll take to make them all go away.

After the dance, Floppy and Rory decide they’re “official” and wish there was a Facebook where they could update their relationship status. They go to Miss Patty’s dance barn and fall asleep on the floor…where they remain until morning for the entire town to find.

Rory sprints home, but it’s too late. Lorelai and Judgy WASP Mom have realized Rory didn’t come home last night. Judgy WASP Mom is all, “We KNOW they fucked!” while Lorelai is trying to give her daughter the benefit of the doubt. (To be fair – there had to be at least a hand job, right?) Judgy WASP Mom continues to be the worst by calling Lorelai a bad mom and telling her that Rory is going to ruin her life just like Lorelai did. Jesus, this woman is fucking terrible. Lorelai throws Judgy WASP Mom the fuck out and everyone cheers.

Rory thinks her mom will be ok since she overheard Lorelai telling Judgy WASP Mom that she trusts Rory. Nope. Lorelai is PISSED. She tells Rory she’s going on the Pill, even though Rory and Floppy did not do the Horizontal Rhombus. The Pill’s a damned good idea, even if she isn’t sleeping with anyone because it makes the horror of irregular adolescent periods more manageable (an IUD would be even better and carry her through college.)

Rory cries. Lorelai cries. And that’s the end of the episode. Cheerful!


6 thoughts on “Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 1, Episode 9 “Rory’s Dance”

  1. Was this episode written by every parent that somehow believes that teenagers miss curfew due to “falling asleep on the couch”? I mean, sure. Falling asleep on the couch probably caused the missing of curfew. But the falling asleep was due to lots and lots of over the clothes crotch rubbing (at least). And while we’re at it mom, that weird smell on your kids? That’s not incense.

  2. This one. OMG. This one. I just laughed until I had tears streaming down my jowls. I don’t know you, but I feel genuinely sad that you had a miserable teenagehood. I was also miserable and wish desperately that I had Rory’s confidence at that age. Also, vaginaboobs. #vaginaboobs

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