Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 1, Episode 11 “Paris is Burning”

I fear this is the episode where Lorelai will do the unspeakable with Discount Braff. No good can come of this! There will be famine and plagues of frogs across the land! Crops will wither! Locusts will descend to eat your…withered?…crops! Oh, the agony! The pain! The abject HORROR!

I hope Lorelai is wearing these.

She bangs him. That’s a huge mistake.

At school, Discount Braff moons about thinking about the sex he had with Rory’s mom, while Paris is lashing out like an injured dog at everyone around her. Her parents divorce is playing itself out in the media. This is one of the few times I’m grateful that I’m a nobody.

Discount Braff comes over to pick Lorelai up for a date and Rory is forced to make small talk with him and you can see her praying for death. They make up “non-Chilton” names for each other because they’re both fucking weird. Discount Braff, just bite the bullet and call her by her name. He’s a ManBaby. A giant, dumb baby man with hair straight out of Garden State.

The next day, everyone gathers at Luke’s. Sookie’s tugboat captain produce supplier is trying to get her to use some frankenveg he created. It’s part zucchini, which is one the most evil vegetables on the planet, and Sookie wisely says no. Lorelai bounds into the diner with ice skates hanging from her neck. They’re rusted and dull and Luke sharpens them for her because he LOVES HER.

Luke, whenever he sees Lorelai.

Rory suggests they invite Discount Braff to go ice skating with them, proving that book smarts are not the same thing as common sense. This freaks Lorelai out.

After ice skating (where Lorelai inexplicably wears her hair like Britney Spears from the “…Oops, I Did it Again” video) Sookie calls her out on being lukewarm on Discount Braff because she’s afraid of commitment. Lorelai says, and I quote, “When did you become the relationship expert? You haven’t been in a relationship in years.”

Oh.

Oh bitch.

I realize that Lorelai is just lashing out because Sookie is right, but that’s not cool. It hurts like hell when someone you think is your friend pulls that shit.

Story time – So, when I was…19? 20? I was friends with this guy who I really liked. He, of course, was in love with this other girl and they claimed to be reincarnated lovers from like 10th century Scotland (I was Goth, this was normal.) Anyway, this guy had a sister who was always so nice to me. We were friends and it was great! One night I met up with the guy, his girlfriend, the sister, and the sister’s boyfriend to see some local band play. I hadn’t seen the sister in forever and I was so. excited. to see her! We’re hanging out and she turns to me and says, “So, do you have a boyfriend?” I answer, “No.” She replies, “Yeah, it’s not like some miracle would have happened, right?” She went back to talking to her boyfriend (actually, making fun of the female singer of the band onstage for being “fat”) and I left about 20 minutes later. I never saw her again.

This may be one of the reasons I don’t really go out of my way to make friends, even to this day.

At least Lorelai apologized.

Rory and Lorelai head to Hogwarts School of the Rich and the Privileged for “parents day.” This is a day where rich parents take an entire day out of their lives to follow their kids around at school. Shouldn’t this be “Nannies Day” or something? Most of these parents are too busy fucking over middle class people by looting their 401(k)s to hang out with a bunch of teachers (aka POORS) and children.

After Discount Braff’s class, Lorelai performs the traditional break up dance, “Let me shove my tongue down your throat because we shouldn’t be together.” Paris, who was having a bad day because her parents are terrible, catches them. Now the whole school knows! This is why we don’t date men who look like Zach Braff (and are our children’s teachers.) Rory is pissed and embarassed and everything is terrible.

That night, they go to the Grandparents house for dinner. The news of Lorelai’s Wandering Tongue as reached Judgy WASP Mom. Usually, I’d be upset by Judgy WASP Mom’s rage judgment, but not this time. She’s right. Rory’s education is more important than teacher dick. Lorelai turned down Donnie Pfaster in episode 2 because she didn’t want to make Rory’s schooling weird, but then she decided to date this motherfucker? I mean, I like boys who wear tweed and read books too, but it’s not like guys like that are hard to find in Connecticut.

Back at Chilton, Paris tries to rub Rory’s nose in the scandal. Rory asks Paris why the hell she would do that to someone else after she’s spent all this time as the object of ridicule due to her parents’ divorce. To her credit, Paris realizes what she did was wrong. Rory offers to be there if Paris wants to talk. Baby steps, I guess.

Discount Braff leaves Chilton and Sookie asks her produce guy on a date. Aww…everyone got what they wanted in the end!

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One thought on “Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 1, Episode 11 “Paris is Burning”

  1. I hate the sister of the guy you liked when you were 19? 20? What a b and c word.

    I need those “YOU SHALL NOT PASS” underwear. I mean, I have four kids. No explanation necessary, right?

    Also, I am gonna be SO TIRED tomorrow and my phone battery is almost dead (curses!!) but I absolutely cannot stop reading. It’s like I won the lottery in a super geeky superficial way.

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