Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 1, Episode 15 “Christopher Returns”

Man, oh man. Am I SO GLAD they brought Rory’s estranged father onto this show! I have to be honest – there are a few things happening on this show that I care about more that Christopher. Here’s my very short list:

Things Happening on the Gilmore Girls that I Care About More Than Christopher
1) Everything

That’s it. That’s the list.

:Sigh: Ok. Let’s get into this.

Christopher has some Vague Business Venture That Will be HUGE Soon, just like every other fuckface who likes to pretend to do things without actually doing them. If this motherfucker drops the word “revolutionize” or “synergy”, I will throw my laptop. THROW IT!

Christopher is too long to type. What should I call him? C-Money? That’ll work.

C-Money also wants to be more involved in Rory’s life, which is what bad TV dads always say in the episodes they appear in before disappointing their children again. Rory and C-Money go to watch Floppy and Luke play softball. Luke is all dirty and gross and it’s hot as fuck. Too bad Lorelai isn’t there to see the OBVIOUSLY BETTER CHOICE wandering around a wet baseball diamond.

At the Inn, Lorelai is all, “Oh, C-Money just SO EVERYTHING!” and Sookie is all, “We all have one of those. We get rid of them in high school because they are toxic.” And Lorelai is all, “Maybe I should have the fucking with him?” And everyone is all:

As C-Money is being harassed by the nosey townsfolk, Rory and Christopher try (and fail) to hide in the bookstore. He tries to buy Rory a compact OED and his card is declined. Shock, C-Money has no money (but those fucking OED things are PRICEY.) WHO COULD HAVE GUESSED THAT THE AIMLESS DUDE WHO SWEARS HE’LL MAKE IT BETTER WILL NOT MAKE IT BETTER. (Me. You. All of us.)

Judgy WASP Mom invites everyone to dinner, including C-Money’s parents. His father’s name is Strobe. I can only assume this means he is a D list supervillain who robs banks with the power of one of those crappy strobe lights you can buy at Spencer’s. He needs to be close to an outlet so the strobe works, but, oh man, when he turns that thing on and shines it in, I don’t know, Plastic Man’s face? Oh man! What a story!

No one wants to go to Judgy WASP Mom’s dinner. Judgy WASP Mom and Spacey Grandpa are SO. HAPPY. to have C-Money in the house. Strobe and his SidekickWife? Not so much. They haven’t even bothered to see Rory since she was about 2. You two too fucking busy dodging the Justice League to call your own granddaughter? Asshairs. Strobe even insults Rory’s intelligence. That’s when Liberal Lorelai upsets all the Republicans in the room (read: all the old people) by calling President Bush stupid.

She’s not wrong, but it’s not the best way to break the already contentious ice. Strobe pulls the “you’re obviously jealous of people with success” card that Republicans always whenever anyone says anything bad about businessmen or corporations. Glad to see they haven’t retired that old classic! It’s still in use today! Strobe also blames Lorelai for “seducing” C-Money and thinks she’s the reason C-Money didn’t go to college. Yes, I’m sure he was too busy changing diapers and breastfeeding to take the SAT.

Spacey Grandpa kicks C-Money’s horrible parents out. Good. But he doesn’t do it because he’s ok with what happened. He did it because he needed to defend the Gilmore name. He tells Lorelai that she made their lives hell after she got knocked up. She ran away, kept her distance from her parents, even sent Judgy WASP Mom to bed for a month. He’s upset that Lorelai didn’t marry C-Money. It was the “right thing to do.” Lorelai is saddened by that, as she should be. We don’t have to marry people at 16 anymore and I think we’re all better for it.

Hnn. I guess it’s so easy to lose perspective when you’re the child dealing with your parents. You run from them or stop talking to them or whatever because you feel its what you need to do. Sometimes it is. Your parents will never understand, they’re too different, too out of touch with how things are for you. And then you realize that maybe your actions hurt them just as much as their actions hurt you. Maybe too much has passed between you to ever find a place where either of you are “ok”. Maybe you’ve both been wrong. But you can’t fix it and they can’t fix it and so it just is and you live with it and hope to God you can do better in your other relationships.

C-Money finds Lorelai on the balcony of her childhood room. He brought booze. Oh no. OH NO. Alone, on a balcony, emotionally raw, WITH BOOZE? We all know where this is going. Right before they kiss, we CUT TO:

Luke’s diner! With the paint everywhere! The paint Lorelai is supposed to be helping him apply to his dingy ass walls. God damn it. I forgot. I’m guessing Lorelai did too. Luke is standing outside waiting for her. Oh, Luke. She’s banging her ex. WHY IS THERE RAIN ON MY FACE????

The next morning, Lorelai, clad in her pjs, is waiting for Luke on his stoop. He’s mad at her. NO. So, that feeling I get whenever DC puts Batman and Catwoman in a book together and I get my hopes up because maybe, just maybe, they’re going to have a sweet, meaningful interaction that will hopefully set them on a path to an actual adult relationship – only to have Batman pull the “There is only JUSTICE” card and leave SadCatwoman standing on a roof with tears filling her goggles? I’m like halfway to that feel right now (it’s a bad feel, ok? It’s a “cry for two hours over fictional characters” feel AND THAT IS THE REALEST FEEL. And yes, I am purposely using the word “feel” over “feeling” because I am young and hip.)

Me

When Lorelai gets back to her house C-Money asks her to marry him. Then an asteroid hits Stars Hollow and everyone dies, the end. Or not. But that’s a better option than her marrying this guy. I don’t care how many flasks of booze he brings or how nice of a dick he has, no. NO!!

Lorelai shoots him down and then C-Money admits his business is bullshit. Surprise, surprise.

C-Money leaves and the sun finally comes out in Stars Hollow. Lorelai breaks into Luke’s and paints it for him to make up for standing him up.

Glad that is over. Now let us never speak of this again.

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