Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 1, Episode 16 “Star-Crossed Lovers and Other Strangers”

Stars Hollow is really big on “events.” The historical reenactment. The Christmas Parade. The Horn of Plenty. And now some Firelight celebration. Yay firelove or some such shit. Can’t you people ignore your neighbors and exchanged tight-lipped smiles at Starbucks like the rest of us do? All this involvement and “town spirit” gives me the agita. (Also, the fact that this town is so obviously the Warner Brothers lot is pretty fucking hilarious.)

In addition to the weird town happiness celebration, it’s Rory and Floppy Hair’s 3 month anniversary. It’s adorable that they’re keeping track by month the way you only do when you’re in high school. Awww….

Floppy asks Rory to get out of Judgy WASP Mom’s weekly Judgefest. I’m sure that will go over well and there will be NO PROBLEMS WHATSOEVER when that topic is brought up!

Side note – That weird hipster out of time guy is back crooning dumb songs into his dumb steam-powered microphone. Do you think this guy has a job? Does he wander around Stars Hollow singing songs through his portable speaker before dumping all his shit in his old beat up Chevy Nova and putting in his full 8 hours at Waffle House?

Back at the Gilmore house, Lorelai laughs at Rory when she asks her to help get out of Judgy WASP Mom’s dinner. They decide to call Judgy WASP Mom and a boom mic drops into the shot.

Screen shot 2015-03-21 at 5.00.06 PM

See that black thing at the very top of the picture above the corner of the fridge? That’s a boom mic. This is not the first time a boom has dropped into frame on this show – the first time I saw it was in the episode where Spacey Grandpa is in the hospital. Luke & Lorelai are talking in the hospital hallway and a boom drops right in. Applause to that boom guy for bringing me so much unintended joy.

Surprisingly, Rory gets out of dinner. Lorelai is not so lucky.

At the Rich Kid Penitentiary, Spiky Hair is making out with his new victim girlfriend right in front of Paris and Rory’s lockers because he is a complete asshole.

All over Stars Hollow people are making out. Even Michele has someone (what? How? He’s a huge dick.) Lorelai “catches” Sookie and Tug Boat Captain making out in the kitchen, except there is no actual making out. I hope this is because Melissa McCarthy had a clause in her contract that stated she would only kiss her husband onscreen. Because if not, there are other reasons that their kiss isn’t shown (perhaps the network said “no kissing fat women because it’s ‘unrealistic'” or other stupid bullshit?)

Lorelai can’t take it so she goes to Luke’s for coffee and almost gets smashed by a prop on the way there. See, this is why I don’t live anywhere where there is “town pride”. Far less chance of being crushed by a decoration.

Just as Luke and Lorelai are getting into each other by uniting in hate, Rachel walks in. Rachel Luke’s ex, Rachel. What the hell, show? Can’t we let Luke and Lorelai fuck up their own relationship AFTER they have sex instead of preventing sex by throwing all this bullshit in their way? Right now, Lorelai’s vagina looks like this to Luke:

It’s the latest in pubic hair maintenance

Rachel waltzes in and is all “haha, look at me! I’m one of those annoyingly free-spirited people who just jumps on planes whenever and shows up without calling assuming everyone wants to see me! WHEEEEE!!! FREEEEEE!!! I MAKE YOU FEEL ALIVE! PROJECT ALL YOUR MALE FANTASIES ON TO ME BECAUSE I HAVE NO PERSONALITY OF MY OWN!!!!” and Luke is all, “uhh…flannel is a fabric that I like to wear?”

Rory is getting ready for her three-month anniversary and Lorelai says she misses Discount Braff. What? Why? That guy was as exciting as watching Babette wash dishes in her strangely tiny house.

Lorelai goes to her parents to dinner to discover that her mother has invited Doogie Howser to dinner. She’s trying to set her up. Is there anything worse that when your own mother tries to set you up? (Answer – no. And I know because my mother tried to set me up several times when I was in my early 20s and couldn’t get a date. it’s embarrassing and it NEVER. WORKS.) Lorelai yells at Judgy WASP Mom who points out that Lorelai hasn’t had a relationship that lasted as long as Rory & Floppy’s relationship in forever. Judgy WASP Mom is a terrible bitch. She means well, but bitch is a BITCH. However, I get the feeling Spacey Grandpa finds Doogie boring – he goes in for a second drink before dinner to drink away the pain.

Screen shot 2015-03-22 at 3.57.58 PM

Only booze can save this date now.

Jesus. This motherfucker right here is SO. BORING. Blah blah blah job. Blah blah blah crime rate. I just…I cannot. Neither can Lorelai – she tries to sneak out the window to get away from him. Spacey Grandpa let her go because he’s great. Awww. I love you, Spacey Grandpa. (Though Lorelai really should just suck it up for her mother’s sake and then ignore Doogie’s calls. That’s how adults handle these things.)

Back in Stars Hollow, Rory and Floppy Hair sneak into a junkyard where Floppy presents Rory with a car. I immediately yell “OH NO.” It’s sweet, but…no. This is over the top for a three-month anniversary between teenagers, even if it is a rusted hunk of junk. Something is off with Floppy, and I’m not sure what it is. This just makes it more pronounced.

Admit it, Floppy – you’re building her a car so you can fuck her in the backseat, aren’t you? AREN’T YOU??

And then… Then. :sigh: Then he says “I love you.”

Rory is all:

Floppy gets mad (understandably.) But man, he is REALLY coming on strong here, you know? They’ve been together for three months, he gives her a car and then he drops the “love” bomb? Slow your roll, Flops. You’re 16.

During the Bonfire of LoveSexHappiness or whatever the fuck is currently going on in Stars Hollow, Rachel is wandering around taking pictures because THAT’S WHO SHE IS. FREE SPIRIT WITH A COOL JOB. LOVE ME!

Luke is all, “why the fuck you here besides to give me a raging hard on?” and she’s all “You wanna bang Lorelai one day but maybe we have the sex now?” I assume they do.

Finally, Rory comes home to tell Lorelai that she and Floppy broke up. Sad for Rory. But maybe good for Rory? That car shit is a little much.

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