Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 1, Episode 18 “The Third Lorelai”

There are things in this life that we as humans wait for. Our first kiss. Our first sexual experience. Godzilla. We stand on the shore waiting for that fateful day when the thing we’ve always wondered about will crest the horizon and BE. What will it be like? Will we like it? Hate it? Be disappointed? This is the true meaning of life.

This time, the Gilmores are the ones standing on the shores awaiting the Unknown. They’re awaiting…Spacey Grandpa’s mom, Lorelai the First (who must be about 1000 years old.) She will descend from the skies and bring with her…delicious tea cookies? Jaunty hats? CORGIES??????

Whatever it is, Judgy WASP Mom sure as hell won’t like it.

Grandma! So good to see you!

Judgy WASP Mom is freaking out because apparently London Mom will be upset if she doesn’t see every gift she ever gave them displayed in the house. (Sounds a lot like that time Judgy WASP Mom got angry at Lorelai for exchanging those crystal candlesticks for a monkey lamp, but I digress.)

Rory and Spiky talk about Rory’s hideous display of poor judgment. To his credit, Spiky is awkward instead of gloating. I never thought I’d have to give Spiky credit for anything! This is me right now:

And then Rory tries to get Spiky to date Paris. Jesus Christ, this kid. I know she thinks she’s doing a good thing, but Paris is going to see this as “pity” or something and everything is going to blow. the. fuck. up. Can’t wait for that expression of adolescent rage.

At Friday night dinner, “Trix” (Spacey Grandpa’s name for his mother) is absolutely terrible to Judgy WASP Mom. As angry as WASP Mom has made me in the past, I can’t find any joy in this. I relate too much to her in this instance. Having relatives who treat you like shit for no reason is a terrible feeling. The fact that Spacey Grandpa doesn’t see anything wrong with this is even more upsetting.

WHY IS EVERYONE IN THIS FAMILY TERRIBLE???

The next day at the study group, Spiky asks Paris out. Her “friends” are all “Ew, why would he ask YOU?”

WHY IS EVERYONE ON THIS SHOW TERRIBLE???

Because Paris’s “friends” are awful, she brings her entire wardrobe to Rory’s to ask for outfit help. Rory takes her to Lorelai’s closet, where Paris takes off her jacket and – GIRL. You got some titties! Titties that are in need of a bra! As has been discussed in previous reviews, I do not have tiny adorable boobs like the Gilmores. I’m more a Paris. And girls like Paris and I NEED BRAS. A pox on the wardrobe department for not providing this woman with a decent bra. A POX I SAY!

In Purgatory Judgy WASP Mom’s house, Lorelai is stuck getting static about borrowing money to fund Rory’s education. It’s so fucking easy to chastise people about borrowing money when you’re FUCKING RICH, you old gargoyle. Her plan is to set up a trust fund for Rory that she can have right away. Why right away? Oh, so she can use it to pay for Chilton. Not to save for the Ivy League school she wants to go to. To pay for what amounts to high school.

Lorelai thinks this is great. Judgy WASP Mom, on the other hand, thinks this is terrible because, and I’m fucking serious here – then Rory won’t need Lorelai. Because Rory won’t need her to buy things. WHAT? Judgy WASP Mom is truly broken if she thinks the extent of the parent-child relationship begins and ends with money. But Judgy WASP Mom’s bullshit has wormed its way into Lorelai’s brain and now she doesn’t want to tell Rory that she may get a Scrooge McDuck vault of money as a gift.

When building a freestanding vault to hold your entire fortune, put a big dollar sign on the front of it. That’ll deter criminals!

The morning after the Paris/Spiky date, Paris is all happy. Spiky is all “We’re better as friends” and my heart breaks for poor Paris. Oh, honey. I literally lost count of all the times I heard that from guys I liked. Come sit by me and I’ll tell you all about how you’ll be ok, even though it’ll scar the fuck out of your psyche and you’ll never be able to think anyone finds you attractive, ever. It doesn’t get better but you can survive it? Not cheerful enough to be a campaign slogan, I guess.

Spiky then tells Paris that the date was Rory’s idea and category 5 Hurricane Teenage Indignation makes landfall. It’s as messy and upsetting as expected.

At “high tea”, Trix tells Lorelai that she will not be giving Rory access to her trust fund because Lorelai and Judgy WASP Mom fight too damn much. If fighting too much prevented people from getting money we wouldn’t have any politicians. Lorelai and Judgy WASP Mom make up and all is right with the world. Well, as “right” as it can be.

Luke wasn’t in this episode. I’m assuming he was too busy fucking Rachel to make an appearance?

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3 thoughts on “Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 1, Episode 18 “The Third Lorelai”

  1. This episode was so terribly uncomfortable and icky. That said, I wish I knew how to add GIFs to my blog posts. I do well to even get regular old stolen internet pictures on my posts.

    • I post gifs the same way I post pics. I get the url then go into the “add media” button and add the gif URL. You can also upload them from your desktop using “add media.”

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