I started off the day with the Gilmore Girls theme song stuck in my head. As the day progressed, it became the Golden Girls theme and then, to my never-ending shame, the Friends theme song. To try to rid myself of that horrible Friends theme, I actively tried to switch back to the Gilmore Girls theme. I can’t! I can’t remember it now! It’s like the suck of that damn song has shorted out my memory! (But I can still remember the Golden Girls theme. If the Golden Girls theme was on American Horror Story: Coven, it would have become the Supreme.)
During the cold open, Lorelai hears someone banging outside and she goes to investigate – It’s Luke! Fixing her railing at 6:30 in the morning! But when Rory goes outside to tell her to stop yelling, Luke has disappeared! The only logical conclusion – Luke is dead and that was GhostLuke saying goodbye.
OH YAY! THEME SONG!
IF YOU’RE OUT ON THE ROAD’
FEELING LONELY AND SO COLD
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS CALL MY NAME
AND I’LL BE THERE
ON THE NEXT TRAIN!!!
I suppose I could have just looked that up on YouTube and saved myself a good three hours.
Apparently GhostLuke is not dead and is just fixing shit over at Lorelai’s for no reason (or because he lurves her Yes, “lurves”. It’s a word now.) Look, you cannot expect a woman raised on a steady diet of Stephen King novels and The X-Files not to jump to “OMG, THAT CHARACTER IS DEAD!!” conclusions when shown a scene where only character A sees character B before character B disappears without explanation. It’s, like, science.
While Lorelai is outside either talking to Luke or yelling at a ghost, Rory finds “The Dean Box.” (I guess I’m going to have to start calling him Dean because he’ll be around until season 5 or 6. UGH.) Rory is actually ok with this because she still loves Floppy, even though he’s way too intense for a high school boy.
Later, Rory goes into the store even though Floppy is supposed to be there. But he’s not. This obviously means he’s moved on because Rory is 16 and 16-year-olds are god damned idiots who are really good at jumping to conclusions.
At school, Spiky invites Rory to go to see PJ Harvey. Rory is all, “EEEEEWWWWWWWWWW.” But Spiky, who OF COURSE cannot take no for an answer (he is a member of the Future Rapists of America, after all) tells everyone that he and Rory are going on a date. Paris loses her shit and slams lockers and screams at people because she’s mature and not full of a hormonal rage that will one day explode like a fucking volcano and kill all in its path.
Back in Stars Hollow, Plot Device flags down Lorelai and is all, “Why the fuck is my boyfriend hanging out at your house instead of hanging out with me?” and Lorelai is all, ” You’re a plot device, you don’t actually care, remember?” and Plot Device is all, “Oh yeah. Later!”
Of course, Luke has displayed totally normal behavior and broken into Lorelai’s house so he’ll have something else to fix. Luke tells Lorelai that he’s uncomfortable with Plot Device being around and then he tries to pull a Henry Rollins and explain that he’s “just a loner” and some people are just like that.
Luke, my BULLSHIT METER IS AT MAXIMUM BULLSHIT. You don’t want Plot Device around because YOU HEART LORELAI. HEART. HER.
Rory terrifies Floppy’s little sister and the less said about that the better. There’s also some town meeting that Discount Braff attends (WHY?? WHY??? No one has explained why the everloving fuck it is now ok for Rory’s teacher to date Rory’s mom) that focuses on that FutureHipster and some new SkinnyBiker fighting over who is the town song dude. This is the dumbest thing that’s happened on this show and this show had an entire episode centered around a cat’s wake. This is too stupid to talk about so-
Plot Device tells Luke that she’s leaving. She’s not leaving because she’s all WILD AND FREE!!!! she’s leaving because Luke is in love with Lorelai. Luke pretends that he’s not but he can’t even muster up the energy to convince himself of the lie.
At school, Rory is now persona non grata because of Spiky’s lie. None of the girls are speaking to her because they’re assholes. Paris tells Rory that because of Spiky’s lie she won’t be getting the music reviewer spot on the school newspaper. God damn Spiky. Damn his stupid entitled ass straight to hell where he can get punted in the dick until said dick falls off.
Speaking of dicks, Luke and Discount Braff pull out their dicks to show each other who “owns” Lorelai. It looks like this:
Just with dicks.
Luke leaves and Lorelai and Discount Braff fight over Luke. Discount Braff can sense he’s losing the fight so he pulls the “MARRY ME!” card.
They barely know each other! He’s had about as much screen time as Miss Patty and I’m supposed to believe that he actually wants this?
Luckily, Lorelai has the same reaction as me.
Back at school, Spiky is insisting on Rory’s attention and I wish to god someone would punch the fucker in the dick before he can use it to do terrible damage.
Floppy shows up and there are a lot of words and then there is the “I LOVE YOU, FLOPPY!” from Rory. They kiss like they are trying to eat the other’s face off. NOM NOM NOM LOVE.
At the Inn, Discount Braff has ordered 1,000 yellow daisies for Lorelai because that’s what she wants from a proposal.
That motherfucker. That Zach Braff-looking MOTHERFUCKER. He was serious? HOW? WHY? They’ve been on like 6 dates! That’s not – wha – why? And he LOVES HER? Come on! No you don’t! I know the barista at Starbucks more intimately than Discount Braff knows Lorelai. This is bullshit.
Lorelai and Rory run to each other to excitedly share their news but I don’t care. I’m irritated as fuck right now. That’s how we’re going out on Season 1? After all the Luke stuff? Screw you, show.