SEASON 2!!!! I made it!
Fun fact – the very lovely skinny lady singing “EVERYBODY DANCE NOW!” in that video is actually lip syncing. The woman who sang that hook is Martha Wash of The Weather Girls (biggest hit – “It’s Raining Men“). She’s a full-figured girl and in the age of music video and aesthetically pleasing pop stars, Martha wasn’t welcome in front of the camera…even though many of us (myself included) would KILL to be able to sing like she can.
Anyway. Season 2. Here’s what I hope will happen in Season 2:
- Floppy will act more like a human teenage boy and less like the walking representation of Christian Grey’s obsessed nutsack
- Discount Braff will remember he’s only had 6 minutes of screen time and rescind his stupid and misguided marriage proposal
- Lorelai will wake up, look at Discount Braff and be all, “Wait…THAT guy? No. Absolutely not.” She’ll then toss him out of her house and everyone in Stars Hollow will cheer
- Rory will tell Floppy to slow his roll and then she and Lane will discover the joys of hanging out at the mall without your mom around
- Spiky will spontaneously combust in the middle of school. Paris will turn his charred remains into a science project, which will lead her to the discovery of self-perpetuating caloric energy, thus eliminating world hunger and obesity. She’ll win the Nobel Prize and stop screaming at everyone
- Luke and Lorelai will fuck on the counter of Luke’s diner. A lot. Like, a lot a lot. So. Much. Fucking.
- Sookie will land a boyfriend that doesn’t look like Sesame Street’s idea of a Tugboat Captain
Let’s do this.
We open on everyone in Stars Hollow carrying around the yellow daisies from Lorelai’s proposal. This does not bode well for my “Discount Braff disappears” wish. Rory brings Lane some of the daisies and learns that Lane has a one-way ticket to Korea and her parents refuse to tell her when she’s coming back. That’s fucked up. It was also my mother’s dream to send me off to a kibbutz when I was a teenager and only allow me to return when I was a “good kid.” Us not being Jewish kind of threw a wrench into her plans and she was stuck with me until I went to college.
Rory and Lorelai run into Miss Patty and Miss Patty is all, “HAVE YOU TOLD LUKE? IT WILL CRUSH HIM. GO TELL HIM AND LET THE ENTIRE TOWN WATCH AS HIS HEART SPLITS IN TWO!!!” So Lorelai heads over to tell Luke, who is at the counter of his diner pouring coffee into the coffee filter like a god damned ape.
Do they not have scoops or spoons in this universe with which to put coffee into filters like civilized humans?
Lorelai tells him and Luke asks all those important questions that Lorelai and Discount Braff haven’t discussed – where will they live? Will they combine checking accounts? What about kids? Coffee Monster or not, Luke’s right. You have to talk about these things if you’re going to marry someone. It’s all fine and good to get hung up on the “We’re getting married!” part of it – but the nitty-gritty relationship shit HAS to work or all the tulle in the world isn’t going to mean dick.
Side note – they did something to Lorelai’s hair between seasons. Red highlights? A gloss? Something.
At Judgy WASP Mom’s house, the grandparents are all a flutter because Rory is at the top of her class. They don’t know that Lorelai is a possibly engaged woman. She hasn’t told her parents because she knows how terrible an idea marrying Discount Braff is. But because Lorelai loses 50% of her brain capacity whenever she’s in a scene with Discount Braff, she calls him and accepts his proposal. She still doesn’t tell her parents.
When Lorelai tells Sookie, Sookie starts crying. She says it’s because she’s just SO HAPPY but it’s really because she’s mourning the Luke/Lorelai fuckfest that should have been. At this moment we are all Sookie.
Talking wedding with Rory, Lorelai admits that she wants to wear the wedding dress from the Guns N’ Roses video. Ok, admittedly, when I was 12 I wanted to wear that dress, too. Then I remember that every guy in school called me ugly and fat on the daily and that dream died.
Floppy appears for movie night. He’s come straight from the tanning salon and is quickly approaching John Boehner levels of orange.
Rory brings Floppy to dinner with the grandparents and it doesn’t go well. Possibly because Lorelai wears a slip instead of a dress? Judgy WASP Grandma decides to be “nice.” Spacey Grandpa doesn’t. He’s an ASSHOLE to Floppy the entire evening. It’s awful. I always liked Spacey Grandpa but I don’t like him right now. He’s having a “Lorelai flashback” and is worried Rory will get pregnant and fuck up her future.
Sookie calls Judgy WASP Mom and asks if she’s available for Lorelai’s wedding shower. This is the first she’s heard about Lorelai getting married. After she hangs up, WASP Mom demands that Spacey Grandpa apologizes to Rory. She doesn’t want to lose her, too.
Back in Stars Hollow, Discount Braff gives Lorelai her ring and she’s happy. The audience is not.