Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 2, Episode 2 “Hammers and Veils”

Lorelai and Rory decide to go wedding dress shopping. I hope Lorelai has a better time than I did – my wedding dress experience was horrible because I am both fat and busty. Every salesperson who saw me walk in got that horrified “Oh no. Please no.” look in their eye. Then they hid in the back, lighting candles and leaving offerings to the gods while praying that I wouldn’t ask for help that they couldn’t give. You know how they say every bride is beautiful? That’s a god damned lie. After everything I went through to get a dress that didn’t look like a white sack with some pearls sewn onto it, I still ended up looking like a fatter, much uglier Kim Kardashian in that couch dress. Everyone at my wedding was like:

Somehow I made it down the aisle.

I assume that Lorelai, who is thin and pretty, will not have the same problems I did.

Rory is taking some summer school classes and so are Paris & the Holograms. I think their hemlines got shorter during the season break. Paris yells and tries to get Rory not to do something that Rory will do anyway.

Serious question – does Paris ever get less yelly? Or is her entire thing just to be a boiling pustule of rage on the brink of exploding and spraying the other characters with RageAngst?

At dinner, Spacey Grandpa apologizes to Rory for being an asshole to Floppy. Yay! Now I can like him again! Judgy WASP Mom refuses to speak to Lorelai without telling her why, so Lorelai drops the “I’m Marrying Rory’s Teacher” bomb. Judgy WASP Mom is all, “I cannot express how many fucks I’m pretending not to give now let me go check on the roast that I am not cooking so I can get the hell away from you and this horrible plot line.”

Rory and Lorelai go to Luke’s where he rants about how horrible weddings are (they are! I hate them, too!) but I’m too distracted by Luke’s beautifully broad shoulders to pay attention to what he’s saying. I’m sure it’s not important.

The activity that Paris didn’t want Rory to do is volunteering to build a house. Rory gets there and Paris attacks her like a dog who is protecting her territory. Paris has a million extra curriculars and Rory doesn’t, which later causes Rory to yell at Floppy because she feels inadequate.

When Lorelai goes to dinner with Discount Braff, I cannot help but notice that his shoulders are not as nice as Luke’s. His parents are nice and they’re excited about the wedding but it’s because they don’t actually exist. And no shade towards the actor who plays Discount Braff, but he has no chemistry with Lauren Graham. NONE. They’re about as exciting together as a still puddle of water in front of a bus stop. If this were American Beauty, that weird kid would not film them and then cry about how beautiful the world is.

10 points for that totally relevant and not at all dated American Beauty reference, me!

As I said in another review, Lorelai loses about 50% of her IQ when in a scene with Discount Braff. This episode is no exception. After he tells her all about his great parents, Lorelai thinks it’s a good idea to take him to her parents’ place. Unannounced. When they arrive, Lorelai starts yelling at Judgy WASP Mom. Judgy WASP Mom pulls out an epic bitch face:

Mad respect for this face. This level of bitch face is not something that just happens. You have to practice to do this. You have to EARN this ability.

They yell at each other and Judgy WASP Mom tells Lorelai that she knew about the engagement before Lorelai told her. After the fight Discount Braff is all, “I AM UNAWARE THAT I SHOULD JUST GIVE YOU A TIGHT-LIPPED SMILE AND RUN AFTER MY GIRLFRIEND, SO I’LL MENTION THAT MY PARENTS WANT TO HAVE DINNER WITH YOU!!!” Jesus, Discount Braff. Are you that fucking stupid? You’re lucky Emily Gilmore would never stoop to violence because that shit would get your teeth knocked out in other houses.

At the Hello Kitty-laden engagement party we learn that Discount Braff is leaving for two months to go teach a summer course in Canada. Lorelai will officially have a BOYFRIEND IN CANADA.

YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS! THE END OF THE TERRIBLE WEDDING PLOT BEGINS!

Floppy and his puka shell necklace (el. oh. el) apologizes to Rory while a bunch of little girls dressed for their First Holy Communion dance on the gazebo. While Floppy and Rory kiss, Lorelai goes to see Luke. He’s marrying the ketchup bottles instead of hanging out at the party. This is due to his hatred of people and his undying love of Lorelai. Lorelai asks him to come to the party, which he does. He does it for Lorelai. Because he loves her. He sits on a bench with all those little Catholic girls looking like someone just ran over his dog and burned down his diner. It’s too sad.

The next day Lorelai tries to make peace with Judgy WASP Mom. She lays it all out there and it kind of works, but I think there is just way too much between these two for them to ever be “ok”. And that’s ok. It’s nice to have a show where people aren’t over the top happy after every apology.