We begin this episode with a stray ice cream maker (a wedding gift for Lorelai and Discount Braff) and Sookie and Rory begging Lorelai to keep it. There’s no return address or name on the gift, and it’s arrived so late that Sookie and Rory feel she should keep it. Lorelai thinks she should give it back. I used some of my amazing Google Fu to figure out who was right. Turns out it’s Lorelai. According to The Knot.com (which is a terrifying, terrifying panic-inducing site):
Q. Do we have to return the gifts?
A. You are supposed to return all the engagement, shower, and wedding gifts you’ve received — even presents that have been personalized (e.g., monogrammed) — to the guests who sent them. If you’ve used any of the gifts (cooking-related products, towels, etc.), it’s okay not to send them back, but everything else should go. Include a note thanking the guest again for their kindness. (Some guests may insist that you keep their gift, and if they do, you graciously should accept.) You may feel like it’s unfair that you have to give up all your presents — especially if you were not the one to call off the wedding. But look at it this way: They would only remind you of a wedding that didn’t happen, right?
Sorry girl-bros – that needs to go back to wherever it came from.
This gif has nothing to do with the above text. I just like it.
At Richie Rich’s Holding Pen For Friends, it’s time for SHAKESPEARE!! The professor clearly states that she would like Shakespeare performed in a different way the traditional “long dresses and days of yore” style. Rory is in a group with Paris & Friends because there are no other kids at Chilton for Rory to work with. While discussing rehearsal schedules in the hallway, Rory sees Spiky for the first time this season. Ugh. Spiky. I was hoping for less of him and more anything but him.
Rory arranges a call between Lane and that guy she likes. Lorelai goes to class and meets a tall drink of water in a Tweed coat and he’s hot. Nice. Let’s see more of this guy and WAY LESS of Spiky the Inevitable Rapist. Tweed Jacket asks her out over a gross vending machine burrito. She says no for now and Tweed Jacket gives her his card. DO IT, LORELAI. You need something to do to kill time until you figure out that Luke’s dick is the best dick.
At Shakespeare rehearsal, Paris shows a completely unsurprising lack of imagination in deciding their group will be doing traditional boring ass Shakespeare. She is not a girl who enjoyed the Romeo & Juliet remake starring Claire Danes and Leonardo DiCaprio.
As Paris is barking orders at people because that’s the only way she knows to have an interaction with another human, who should waltz his gangly ass into the scene but Spiky. He’s either got a cold or he’s high as fuck because he looks like shit and has a super gravely “I’ve been smoking 19 packs of cigarettes” voice. He’s picked their group because their group is the only group without an ex-girlfriend in it.
Spiky is assigned the part of Romeo and Rory is assigned the part of Juliet. Ewww. While Paris and Rory argue, the extras in the background take a break because they don’t realize they’re in the shot:
Back at the Inn, Michele is bitching about only being able to eat 12 blueberries. Sookie makes him swear that he won’t count the blueberries in his pancakes – she actually says that if he counts the blueberries Destiny’s Child will break up.
This is all your fault, Michel(l)e.
Lorelai tries to donate the ice cream maker to the Inn and Sookie pretty much laughs in her face because it only makes enough ice cream for like 8 normal people or one Gilmore girl. Sookie talks her into going on a date with Tweed Jacket. Meow.
As Lorelai gets ready for her date, Paris calls and screams instructions at Rory to meet her at Miss Patty’s. See, there are other Shakespeare groups that could see them rehearsing so they have to pay money and rent a space because Paris is more paranoid than this:
Paris – NO ONE GIVES ANY FUCKS ABOUT YOUR SHIT.
Rory flips out because Spiky might figure out where she lives and realize that she lives on the ground floor with big, easily opened windows. Or because Floppy might see Spiky and Spiky might tell him about the kiss. It’s one or the other.
And Spiky makes good on being the suckiest fuckface on the show – he goes to harass Floppy at the market. How he knows that Floppy works there is beyond me, it’s not like Rory told him?
After the rehearsal, Rory is at Luke’s because that is the only place in Star’s Hollow that serves food. Lorelai comes in all glowy from her casual date with Tweed Jacket and Luke overhears. He looks like this:
But inside he’s all:
Floppy comes in and is all “IM COMING TO REHEARSAL BECAUSE I NEED TO MARK YOU, MY TERRITORY, LIKE I AM A DOG.” Rory, the Smart Girl Who Does Dumb Shit, actually goes to Spiky and is all, “Hey terrible person, could you not be a terrible person and tell my boyfriend about the time we kissed?” and Spiky is all, “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO. IM A FUCKER FUCKER SHIT FACE, I CAN NEVER DO ANYTHING NICE!”
Later (the next day?) Rory and Lorelai are at Luke’s because their kitchen died in a tragic motorcycle accident. Who walks in but Tweed Jacket? Except he looks 14 and is hanging out with his parents?
RIGHT? (Side note – this is the best screencap I’ve ever taken. I plan to use this to illustrate 98% of my feelings from now on. Can I get this on a t-shirt so I can point to it whenever anyone asks me how I am?) Everyone rightly rags on Lorelai for dating what looks like a 14-year-old boy. Luke later acts like a huge dick toward Lorelai because he REALLY doesn’t like that she went out with someone who looks so young.
During rehearsal, Spiky is a dick because it is his default state of being. He tells everyone the he and Rory kissed. Everyone includes His Floppiness. The night of the performance, Spiky tells everyone that he’s been pulled out of school. OH HAPPY MOTHERFUCKING DAY! I AM SHOOTING RAYS OF SUNSHINE OUT OF MY ASS RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THANK JESUS. (Side note – super nice that the rich white kid who got busted cracking a safe and stealing shit out of it has the option of military school instead of getting shoved into the system and getting a criminal record that will follow him for the rest of his days.) Paris plays Romeo and keeps them from failing the class.
After the show Lorelai tells Sookie that she doesn’t understand why Luke was being a penis face over the young date thing. Sookie is all, “He wants to date you and you’re dating other guys and he’s getting jealous!” I’d feel bad for Luke but i don’t. I don’t feel bad for him because he’s never once actually taken the initiative to ask Lorelai out or to make his feelings known. What is she supposed to do, sit around not dating anyone because Luke might want to take a crack at her one of these days even though he’s never said anything or asked her out himself? Luke – Put your big girl panties on and ASK. HER. OUT.
Lorelai goes to Luke and word vomits all over him. Something about “we’ll always be there for each other!” bullshit. It’s supposed to be sweet but it’s deliberately dodging the issue to we can have more “will they/won’t they” stuff.