Another day in Stars Hollow, another Movie in the Square night! What’s the feature presentation? The same movie Taylor has chosen for the last three years, the sticky-sweet classic, The Yearling. I know I’ve seen this movie, but it was about a million years ago and I don’t remember much outside there’s a deer in it. If this was Homeward Bound I could tell you everything about it (including how it rips your heart out and stomps on it for a full 90 minutes. Also, many animals died during filming of that gut punch of a movie.)
I hate movies about animals because I always spend the whole movie hoping the animal doesn’t get hurt. I spent the majority of Gone Girl hoping their cat was ok. Well, that and angrily glaring at Ben Affleck for being attractive when I know he’s probably a douche in real life. I’m really conflicted about him playing Batman – he’s Ben Affleck, and I remember Daredevil. But those pictures of him in the Batsuit literally match the image of Batman I’ve always had in my head…and it’s hot.
Lorelai and Rory are so excited by their new task that they can barely contain themselves. C-Money calls Rory because they suddenly have a pre-scheduled weekly call that has never been mentioned before. Lorelai won’t talk to him and I can’t remember why…OH! Because of the “he’s going to marry Pretty Hair” thing and Judgy WASP Mom’s reaction was to practically “no more wire hangers” the whole thing.
At Stars Hollow High a.k.a. Prison Part I, Broody is late to class and late to take a test. He bugs Lane for a pencil and immediately starts writing notes int the margins of Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse Five. It’s a great book but it’s also so cliché to see the “misunderstood rebel” kid reading Slaughterhouse Five (or any Vonnegut at all if we’re being honest.) Add this to his praise of On the Road from a few episodes ago and you have the “BAD YET ARTSY KID” canon.
Broody’s disrespect ends up getting Luke pulled into the principal’s office. The meeting doesn’t go well. Broody’s failing, he doesn’t show up to class, he doesn’t do his homework, etc. He’s going to fail and have to repeat whatever grade he’s in (junior?) Yeah, Broody’s the kid who just DOESN’T FIT IN and who can SEE THROUGH THE LIES of Stars Hollow and he’s decided THE SYSTEM IS BANKRUPT so he feels like he doesn’t have to try. I get it. But I don’t get why someone who is a smart as he is would just give up a chance at getting into college and getting the fuck out of the place he hates. That’s what I (eventually) did. That’s what millions of us misfits did. It’s the best and most reliable way to escape the flyover!
As Lorelai is trying to get through her overly long movie possibility list, Taylor decides to rain on her parade with about 19 hurricane-level rainstorms. There is a company that has movies that will lend those movies to the town for free…as long as the movie is on the list in Taylor’s binder. Nothing good is on the list. This is not a surprise.
Luke returns from his meeting with the principal and tells Broody that he should probably get his shit together so he can pass the 11th grade. Broody is all, “I’M TOO COOL FOR YOUR HELP. LET ME INSULT YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU’VE GIVEN ME A PLACE TO STAY AND FOOD TO EAT! IT’S NOT LIKE YOU WANTED ME TO COME HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE! BUT WHEN I CAME YOU OPENED YOUR HOME TO ME AND TRIED TO BE A POSITIVE INFLUENCE ON MY LIFE. FUCK YOU FOR BEING A GOOD GUY, YOU DINER-WORKING FUCKSTICK!”
With few other options, Luke brings Lorelai
a bribe brownies in an attempt to butter her up for Operation Stop Broody From Ruining His Life For No Reason. He asks Rory if she can tutor Broody. He’s cute about it, too, because he readily admits that he’s not looking for a miracle here – a D- in a few classes would do it. Rory says yes because she wants to spend as much time staring at Broody’s thick thick hair as possible. Lorelai isn’t too thrilled by this development and she tries to talk Luke into hiring a tutor for Broody. But Luke isn’t dumb and he knows that Broody won’t listen to anyone other than Rory (and, let’s be honest, probably not even Rory) so Lorelai has to shove a brownie in her mouth to keep from screaming.
At Luke’s, Kirk asks Lorelai to show his short film before the movie (The Yearling!!!!) I would pay SO MUCH MONEY to see Kirk’s movie. I bet it’s like The Room but with less water and more intelligible dialogue. Lorelai agrees. Then fucking Rory asks Lorelai to lie to Floppy about having to tutor Broody. That’s bullshit, Rory. Grow some fucking ovaries and break up with him!!!
Studying with Broody is exactly as one would imagine – she has to yell at him to do any work, he refuses to take anything seriously, and he doesn’t get anything done. He decides he needs ice cream, but ice cream in a cone, or as he says “Cooooooone.” Rory agrees, and then for some stupid fucking reason that is never explained decides to let Broody drive her car. He’s like “HOLD MY DICK – I MEAN, THE WHEEL!”
Rory asks why he doesn’t try to do better in high school. She accuses him of not trying because he’s worried it’s not cool. He denies it but Rory’s right. Dude suffers from Too Cool-itis. The main symptom is his hair – it’s far too coiffed to belong to a guy who “doesn’t care.”
Instead of going back to the diner to study, they decide keep driving around.
Side note – the funniest thing about the car scene is the repetitive scenery going by Rory’s window. They drive past the same trashcan at least 3 times.
The phone rings at the Gilmore house and it’s not Floppy – it’s Rory. Broody crashed her car and now she’s in the hospital. She broke her wrist. Lorelai doesn’t want to hear the details, she just wants Rory to be better. When Rory’s taken to x-ray, Lorelai loses her shit. She runs to Luke’s to try and find Broody. He’s not there – SURPRISE SURPRISE. What a coward. Then she starts in on Luke because she’s angry and needs someone to yell at. (You want to know who would do something like that? Emily Gilmore. On Lorelai’s worst days she’s a lot like her mother.)
She asks him why he “brought” Broody to town (uh…he didn’t?)
Then she tells him that he has an obligation to the town over Broody. Actually, no, Lorelai. No. Broody, as much as he annoys me, is Luke’s responsibility right now. Luke’s obligation is to the poor lost kid who’s mom kicked him out and he’s got nowhere else to go. His well-being is much more important than Stars Hollow, even if Broody himself doesn’t realize it. Luke yells back, Lorelai tells him to go to hell, he returns the sentiment. Damn it. You two better have amazing makeup sex when this shit is over.
After Rory gets released from the hospital, Lorelai sleeps at the foot of her bed. When she wakes up, C-Money has broken into the house and is sleeping in a chair right next to her. That’s unnerving. There’s talking and they’re friends and blah blah blah.
The next night is the movie and Kirk’s movie is as amazing as I expected. THERE IS DANCING AND SHIRTLESSNESS AND IT IS PERFECT!!!
It also stars Mary Lynn Rajskub and the guy who plays Gideon in The Crow. I recognize him because I’ve seen that movie at least 200 times and my favorite Cure song of all time is on the soundtrack (I was goth in high school.)
You heard me rapping, right?
Lorelai and Rory then overhear Miss Patty and Babette talking about Luke kicking Broody out of the house. Not just the house, the TOWN. Again, I’m no Broody fan but I don’t agree with that move. Broody needs stability. You can’t just keep sending him away whenever he fucks up. Yes, he’s insufferable and a huge dick and he needs to stop being a prick, but he’s still a kid who just needs one person to not treat him like last night’s leftovers.
STOP MAKING ME FEEL FEELINGS, SHOW!!!