The girls are still searching for a breakfast place since the great Luke/Lorelai Misplaced Anger Fight has made Luke’s a No Go Zone. They settle on…Sookie’s. They make a woman who cooks for a living cook during her off hours because they themselves are too lazy to pour cereal into a bowl. And they don’t go to Sookie’s house carrying bundles of pancake mix and eggs and fruit – Sookie pays for all of this out of her own pocket.
At this point the girls are more like locusts than people. They consume all that is in their path. They leave a wave of destruction behind them. All will suffer and tear at their clothing in anguish!
Oh! Also, during the cold open, we discover Jackson is a literal bear. He sleepgrumbles because he does not like to be disturbed during hibernation.
Later that night (after Lorelai dines on more of Sookie’s food (I assume)), Lorelai is trying to study for her final. She can’t because her brain is full. She and Homer Simpson are one.
Lorelai complains about having to take a test and Rory realizes that Lorelai is GRADUATING. That means a graduation ceremony! Lorelai makes some offhand comment about how she couldn’t go to her high school graduation and nurse Rory at the same time and Rory replies, “Don’t be gross.”
So, this might be the time to mention that I totally watched ahead in the show because I wanted to see when/if Luke and Lorelai finally took it to pound town. Admittedly, I scrubbed through a lot of it (skipping over almost all the Rory storyline) but…holy shit are there some judgy moments involving women with babies/women having babies/women breastfeeding babies on this show. Does the creator not have kids? Or is she one of those “YOU MUST DO AS I DO OR YOU ARE NOT MOM ENOUGH!!!” ladies? That’s gross. The “mommy wars” in general are fucking gross.
Rory thinks Lorelai should invite her parents to her graduation. Lorelai thinks it’s a bad idea because Lorelai getting pregnant “humiliated” them. Oh. Well, if it humiliated THEM! Not like getting pregnant had any sort of adverse affect on Lorelai. Oh no. Just on the JudgeMachine of Proper Behavior club. I believe their flag is a picture of a woman named Bunny clutching a pearl necklace while wearing pastel culottes.
The next day the girls walk through town while Floppy talks about shooting rocks or something. He’s boring, I try not to listen. Lorelai is wearing a sweatshirt that could easily pass as what I once heard Joel McHale refer to as a “douche cape.” What is a douche cape? BEHOLD:
Douche cape! Worn by the great hero of the downtrodden, Guy Who Says Bro A Lot While Drinking and Creeping On Chicks!
Lorelai and her douche cape venture into the market where she runs into Luke. He thinks Lorelai’s shirt is dumb, too, so he’s cold. (Pssst! Guys! This is a great time for angry makeup sex!!) She tries to talk to him, he walks away. Ugh. Dick.
Rory sneaks over to her grandparents house and Judgy WASP Mom serves her tea. Rory launches into a business proposal to invite them to Lorelai’s graduation. She hands them tickets and then starts calling them “Emily” and “Richard.” Spacey Grandpa and Judgy WASP Mom exchange looks like “She obviously did not get this from OUR side of the family.”
Back at home, Lorelai is getting wasted on margaritas (awesome idea) to celebrate the end of school. The phone rings and it’s Broody. He’s using a pay phone. I would love to know the number of teenage kids watching this on Netflix for the first time who had to ask their parents what it was. He doesn’t say “Sorry about your wrist” and acts like nothing has ever happened. Rory is like, “OMG I LOVE YOU!!!” but she doesn’t say anything. Sigh. Kids.
(Side note – Rory and Lorelai make a lot of “Concorde” references in the next “getting ready for the day scene.” The Concorde’s last flight was in 2003. How many kids had to Google that one?)
At school, Paris is talking about her advisor and a banana? I don’t know. As long as it wasn’t something she saw on xtube, it’s ok. Rory gets that “I NEED BROODY’S DICK (I think)” look in her eye and turns and RUNS off campus.
Sookie makes Lorelai an adorable mortar board cake. It’s cute, but it’s solid black frosting which will turn your teeth the nastiest colors if you eat it. C-Money calls because he sent Lorelai a basket of shit, including a pearl necklace (not a euphemism). It’s not just me thinking it’s weird that he gave Lorelai a necklace while he has a girlfriend, right?
Rory gets off the bus in New York and finds Broody sitting in a park reading, because it’s totally east to find people in New York City. They walk around the worst TV representation of Manhattan that I’ve ever seen. It’s obvious they filmed this on the back lot. It’s the most “NO IT’S REALLY NEW YORK GUYS!!!” shit that I’ve ever seen. Yeesh. They eat hotdogs and ride the subway and it’s cute for what it is. I’ve only been to New York a few times but there is an amazing “anything can happen here!” feeling that is unique to the city.
Lorelai arrives at her graduation and discovers that Judgy WASP Mom has hired a professional film crew to film her graduation.
Rory gets on a bus back to Stars Hollow and Broody finally asks why she came. She doesn’t tell him that she was hoping they could have sex. She tells him “because you didn’t say goodbye.” SIGH.
Back at Lorelai’s graduation, Seth MacFarlane is also graduating. He’s saying creepy and hostile things to his (equally hostile) girlfriend, so he’s pretty much playing himself. After seeing Judgy WASP Mom’s camera crew, the girlfriend says “I hate people with money.” Oh. Ok. That’s a thing people say in real life. Seth says “I swear I saw her wipe her face with a hundred dollar bill.” Well, THAT’s something people would actually say. They continue to bitch about Judgy WASP Mom’s entitlement (of which there is a fucking boatload) but Lorelai gets exposed as “rich” when some lady brings her a corsage. I have to say that this “Lorelai doesn’t want people to know her parents have money” plot point is DUMB. DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB.
Meanwhile, Rory’s bus is running late because of an accident on the highway. She also got stuck on a local. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. SUCKS. That’s what you get for trying to cram in some Broody time on a day when you had other shit to do. This is why boys like Broody are bad news – they always seem more appealing than anything else in your life and you end up really fucking over people you care about because you aren’t thinking straight.
Lorelai graduates, Judgy WASP Mom tears up and almost cries, and Rory misses the ceremony. At home, Lorelai is all “What the fuck, bro? Where the hell were you? I wear a douche cape so now I must use the word bro a lot, bro.” and Rory has to explain that she ran off to New York for the day to see Broody. She doesn’t understand why she ran off to see him but Lorelai does. Any women who has been a teenage girl in love understands.
When I was 17, I had a boyfriend. He was my first boyfriend and he was a good, decent dude. One Friday night I didn’t feel well and got sent home from work early. I spent the entire night on the phone with him. When I say the entire night, I mean the entire night. HOURS. This is back in the day when only Wall Street douches had cell phones and the rest of us were still on landlines. Finally, my dad picked up the upstairs phone and realized I’d been on the phone for hours…when they thought I’d gone to bed. See, it was my mother’s birthday. I tied up the phone and none of her siblings could get through. She spent the whole night thinking everyone forgot her birthday. It was a really shitty, selfish thing to do…but it never dawned on me when I was talking to him. It was only afterwards when I realized that I’d upset my mom and hurt her feelings did I realize I’d been a selfish dick.
We all go through it. And it sucks.