Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 2, Episode 22 “I Can’t Get Started”

The episode opens with Sookie, Lorelai, Rory, and Michele listening to a song by Ella Fitzgerald. Sookie wants to walk down the aisle to this suicide anthem but no one wants a Heaven’s Gate situation to break out at a wedding (see? I can drop dated references into my shit, too.)

Here’s another one

Sookie also thinks it’s a good idea to invite Spacey Grandpa and Judgy WASP Mom to the wedding because she has never met Lorelai’s parents.

At dinner, Lorelai utters the phrase that launched a million Tumblr blogs – OY WITH THE POODLES ALREADY.

She invites Judgy WASP Mom to the wedding and Judgy WASP Mom does what she does best – Judges and gets bent out of shape. She doesn’t like that she received a “pity invite.” She didn’t get an actual invite and is insulted because she doesn’t feel “special.” It’s not your wedding, Emily. Save the Bridezilla shit for your vow renewal.

The next day Rory and Floppy have breakfast at Luke’s while Lorelai paces around outside. Luke’s is still a battle zone…but she eventually comes in. She took so long walking the three feet of road that makes up Stars Hollow that Rory and Floppy are “done” (done in a TV sense of the word – the actors pushed stuff around their plates and then left it there for production to throw away). She’s alone in the diner with Luke. I was hoping he wouldn’t be a dick but he’s being a dick. Lorelai accuses him of “pulling a Mr. Freeze.” Luke denies it but he looks like this the entire scene so no one believes him.

Someone photoshop this onto a screencap of Scott Patterson. It’ll be hilarious, I promise.

If you want to cry like a baby over a cartoon show, go watch the Batman: The Animated Series episode “Heart of Ice.” (There’s a lot of those old B:TAS episodes that make me cry. Check out the first Baby Doll one. That ending – ouch.)

Lorelai says she’s sorry and tells him that she just wants Luke back. He’s like, “NOPE.” Dude holds a grudge.

At Chilton, Paris is screaming at everyone because she’s running for student body president. Everyone is terrified of her because she’s scary as fuck. She’s smart and capable but she is SCARY. I’m scared of her and there’s a TV between us. The rest of the student body agrees – they think she’d be a good president but they’re too scared of her to vote for her. So she decides that Rory would be a good vice president because she’d soften her image. Rory doesn’t want to be vice president because she knows that all politicians are horrible self-centered assfucks who will do anything to get voted into power. Paris pulls the “HARVARD LIKES IT!” card so Rory agrees, even though it means that if they win they’ll have to spend 6 weeks in Washington DC.

C-Money shows up to watch Rory get her cast removed because neither he nor Lorelai have ever known anyone who has had a cast. Did you people live in a fucking bubble or something?

After, Lorelai does that thing I hate and invites C-Money to Sookie’s rehearsal dinner without asking Sookie if it’s ok. And she invites him to the wedding! Come on, that is just not ok. Weddings have seating charts and head counts and shit. C-Money then tells Lorelai that he and Pretty Hair aren’t doing well. They’re going to break up. GEE I WONDER WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NOW.

I need to learn to say “WRONG DICK, LORELAI!!” in several languages so I can yell it at Lorelai whenever she makes bad dude choices.

Of course, they fuck. C-Money is staying at the Inn and Lorelai is working late because Sookie’s wedding is the next day. They start talking and kissing and then…yep. HARDCORE FUCKING.

Lorelai comes downstairs in the middle to the night to beg the gods for forgiveness for sleeping with C-Money for water or something and she runs into Sookie wearing a nightmare of a wedding dress. Oh, Sookie. This was my biggest fear. Fat girl in an ugly wedding dress because stylists brains short-circuit when dressing any woman over a size 8.

Poor thing. However – her hair and makeup look great.

Sookie is pulling flowers off the wedding cake and freaking out. To calm Sookie down, Lorelai tells her that she banged C-Money. Sookie says this is a good thing but it is a lie. Back up in the Den of Sin, Lorelai and C-Money decide to try for a relationship.

Back at the diner, Luke has discovered that Broody has somehow snuck past him and gone into his apartment. Is he magic? Broody wants to come back to Stars Hollow. Luke agrees…but only if things are different this time. Yeah, that’s not going to happen. Luke also tells him to leave Rory alone but, again, that’s not going to happen.

Paris calls Floppy’s cell and tells Rory that they’ve won the election. No one knows how she got Floppy’s number. C-Money plants a big old smooch on Lorelai and then Spacey Grandpa and Judgy WASP Mom show up. Judgy WASP Mom wants to know what’s up…and Lorelai tells her that they’re getting back together. This of course means everything is going to blow up spectacularly. C-Money even pulls Rory aside to tell her that he’s going to be dating Lorelai. This is going to suck for everyone! His phone rings and Rory sees Broody standing under a tree like this is fucking Stand By Me. She plants a kiss on him and then freaks out, running away.

Right before the wedding, C-Money stops Lorelai and tells her that Pretty Hair is pregnant. Apparently C-Money did not learn about condoms after his last accidental kid. C-Money can’t run off because he needs to take care of this kid like he didn’t take care of Rory.

He leaves and the girls walk down the aisle, ending the season.

See? I told you to stay off that dick, Lorelai. The man attached to it is nothing but trouble.

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