WOO HOO! I DID IT! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME DOING STUFF AND THINGS THAT MATTER TO NO ONE BUT MYSELF!
The Emperor’s New Groove is a gift to humanity.
What will happen this season? Will Rory finally break up with Floppy (who became dumber and more ridiculously mopey as season 2 went on)? Will Broody finally go full James Dean and be covered head to toe in hair gel and leather jackets? LET’S FIND OUT!!!
We open this season on Lorelai being besieged by all the alarm clocks. She wakes wearing adorable lingerie (that only women with small tits can wear, mind.) Clad in this lovely negligee, she walks downstairs while ranting about the alarm clocks to meet…Luke?
I honestly thought we’d find Rory in the kitchen, not Luke. But no, Luke is cooking and Lorelai is wearing a tiny nightgown and they seem ok with it. Luke has hidden her coffee and…WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK????? WHAT THE FUCK!!! They KISS? And he lives there? AND THERE ARE FUCKING BABIES IN HER????????????????????????
IT’S A FUCKING DREAM?????? A DREAM??? WHAT IS THIS, ST. ELSEWHERE (look it up)?????????????????????? BULLSHIT.
Way to get started off on the wrong foot, season 3.
Lorelai calls Rory, who is in DC with Paris, and makes her interpret her dream. Rory says that Lorelai is secretly in love with Luke and wants to have his babies. Well, DUH. But this does not make up for the bait & switch of the dream series opening. I’m not going to forgive you that easily, show!!!
Also, Rory and Floppy have been writing letters because no one has email yet. She’s trying to write to Broody but she’d have better luck just mailing him a black sheet of construction paper with the words “YOUR MOOD” written on it. Or she could get a time machine, travel to the year 2013, buy a copy of Morrissey’s Autobiography and send it to him.
Lorelai is still mooching breakfast off Sookie. Jackson makes one of the show’s many gay jokes (dude…such a shameful remnant of its time). Lorelai leaves Sookie’s while wearing this:
Sookie is not a very good friend if she didn’t tell Lorelai to go home and put on clothes human women would wear in real life. Maybe she doesn’t tell her because she’s mad at Lorelai for mooching breakfast off her for months. In that case, well played. I mean, the dress is fine if you want to be in a revival of Hairspray.
In DC, Paris is harassing all the congressmen. (Is that really Barbara Boxer?) She really is in her element here. I usually wouldn’t wish a career in politics on anyone, but I think Paris would not only be good as a politician, she’d LIKE being a politician. Paris/Kirk 2016!!!
There’s this cute guy named Jamie who seems to like Paris. They’re doing a debate thing together and then he asks her to dinner. Paris doesn’t understand that she’s been asked out. (This has happened to me.)
In Stars Hollow, Kirk is trying to sell a line of body products to the Inn. Judgy WASP Mom calls Lorelai to yell at her for not calling her the instant she and Spacey Grandpa returned from Martha’s Vineyard. How Lorelai was supposed to know this without a network of nosey neighbors and/or a psychic connection to Judgy WASP Mom’s front door is beyond me, but, ‘k. Lorelai tells her it will just be her for Friday Night Dinner because Rory doesn’t get back until Saturday and C-Money is away on “business.” Business is code for “living with Pretty Hair because he knocked her up and then ripped Lorelai’s heart from her chest.”
Rory talks to Floppy on the phone…somehow they are still together and Floppy hasn’t yet been reduced to monosyllabic grunts instead of words. Paris is freaking out because of her date, but she looks lovely in her dress (even if she is slouching a little.) She’s freaking out and yelling about why other girls get flowers and shit and she gets “wing it” or how the date is obviously a dare. This scene is really hard to watch for me because it’s like watching all my teenage/college years condensed into 2 minutes of dialogue. The only difference is the dates were dares.
Rory tells Paris that she’ll find someone who “likes what she likes.” I’ve been listening to the Gilmore Guys podcast where they review the show – I’ll review an episode here on my blog and then go listen to the podcast episode where they review the episode. (They are infinitely more insightful and less sweary than I am!) In the last episode I listened to (for the season 2 finale) they talked about how easy it is to get bogged down in “so and so likes X, therefore we’re perfect together!!” when you’re young. So much of your identity is wrapped up in what you like and don’t like that dating someone who doesn’t love the same books/movies/bands as you is absolutely incomprehensible. That’s where Rory is right now. It is, I believe, part of the reason she likes Broody so much. They like the same things!! It’s very high school.
When Jamie shows up for the date Paris makes Rory hide in the closet because “if there’s nothing to compare me to at least I’ve got a fighting chance!” I would have said this. In fact, I think I HAVE said this…just not to anyone’s face. More like I’ve thought, “Great, I’m supposed to go meet (HOT FRIEND) at the bar looking like I look, which means I’m not going to meet anyone because I don’t look like her.” It’s like my self-loathing and lack of self-esteem wrote a note and passed it to the Gilmore Girls writers between gym class. Jesus, that hits me in the old feels. At least Rory tells Paris to get some therapy. Come here, Paris. Let me help you realize how awesome you really are.
It’s time for Lorelai to pick Rory up from the airport. They hug, fall to the floor, and then STAY THERE. In the middle of the hallway. Of an airport. Rude. RUDE!! Off to the side, kids. Other people are walking here! These two really are inconsiderate.
Back at home, Lorelai deletes a message from C-Money because he’s an asshole and should never call again. Rory puts on a serious dress to go to some town festival (aka see Broody) and Sookie and Jackson scream at each other over a giant stuffed bear that I can only assume is Jackson’s uncle, as Jackson was revealed to be a literal bear in the last episode.
While at the festival, Rory sees Broody with his tongue shoved down some girl’s throat. Broody has moved on. Or at least his penis has. She’s very upset by this, which Lorelai notices, and then she tells Lorelai about the Sookie’s Wedding kiss. Lorelai rightly tells Rory to make up her god damned mind already and stop treating her caveman boyfriend like crap. Floppy shows up just as Lorelai is telling Rory how gross and wrong the whole thing is. She leaves to go to dinner with Judgy WASP Mom and Rory hugs Floppy while wishing he was Broody (which is gross and wrong.)
At dinner with her parents, Lorelai tells her parents that she and C-Money have called it quits. She tries to be diplomatic about the whole thing but her parents just start yelling at her for not being able to get her shit together. She tells them Pretty Hair is pregnant but her parents still treat her like shit, as if this isn’t C-Money’s fucking fault for not using a condom. AGAIN. Her parents are seriously fucked up for taking C-Money’s “side” over their own daughter’s. Lorelai can be inconsiderate and rude and mooches off her friends but she’s doing the right thing in letting a man who has a pregnant girlfriend be with that girlfriend without any interference.
After the night is over, Lorelai goes into Luke’s diner. They’re still not on speaking terms. Lorelai pours herself coffee and talks about how upset she is that C-Money is now the man she always hoped he’d be…but he’s that guy with someone else. I’ve been thinking about this a lot while watching this show. When you are young, you have an idea of the person you ultimately want. All the perfect qualities all in one package. But most of us don’t meet that person in high school or even college. We meet people who aren’t good for us, who treat us poorly, who bring out the worst in us. We see this person’s amazing qualities, the ones that would be perfect for us long-term, but something goes wrong and it all goes to hell. My theory is that most of the time, it’s not that we’re bad people or that the other person is an irredeemable asshole (though both are certainly possibilities.) It’s a timing issue. That person who treats us like crap at 19 might have been a really great match for us had we met them at 27. We both would have matured and changed and been through all the shit that we needed to get through in order to finally become a person who is ready to be an active, loving partner in a real adult relationship. A lot of the time the relationships that blow up in our faces do so because the timing is off. However, in accepting that it’s really a timing thing, we also have to accept that the person we loved in high school/college/whenever just wasn’t right for us then. It’s over. And we move on.
This is also why I’m completely against a Lorelai/C-Money and Rory/Broody or Rory/Floppy pairing for the long haul. These relationships weren’t meant to last because the timing was off. It’s always been off. They aren’t ready yet and they won’t be ready with these particular people. And that’s ok. (I’m also against the “you HAVE TO meet your ‘SOUL MATE’ in high school!!” idea. No, you don’t. Some people will marry their high school sweetheart and good for them. But for most of us it takes more time. It’s just as valid. Maybe if I wasn’t fed the “IF YOU AREN’T ENGAGED BY 21 YOU ARE A FAILURE AS A WOMAN!” line I wouldn’t have felt so shitty being single through those years.)
Luke gives Lorelai a donut and tells her that she’ll find that guy. He knows she will (BECAUSE IT’S HIM!!!!!!) Back at home, Rory says she’s decided she staying with Floppy. That’s not going to last.