Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 3, Episode 2 “Haunted Leg”

We begin this episode with Judgy WASP Mom and Lorelai giving each other the silent treatment. The cold shoulder. The freeze out. Rory struggles valiantly to make conversation, but she should stop trying. Her mother is right. Her parents reaction to the news that C-Money is having a baby with another woman was completely out of line. She was already hurting from C-Money’s bullshit, and then her own parents have to make it worse?

When they finally do start talking about the girl Lorelai went to high school with who shot her husband, Judgy WASP Mom says, “At least she had a husband to kill.”

Pictured above: Lorelai’s Emotions

The girls have breakfast at Luke’s and I’m overjoyed to see Luke again. The show isn’t the same without Luke’s Diner or Luke scolding Lorelai for eating like crap. If this were a different, more wacky show, I’d hope for an episode where Babette and Miss Patty are witches and they spend their time trying to make spells out of Lorelai and Rory’s hair so they too can be seemingly immune to calories.

Broody’s new girlfriend Bleachy saunters into the diner. Man, that is some look. I’d forgotten about the über processed white blonde of the early to mid aughts. Broody is a dick to Bleachy, which is not a surprise, and then they leave. I want to reach through the screen and shake both Rory and Bleachy – DO NOT DATE THIS ASSHOLE. I know he’s cute, I know he’s got that unpredictable dangerous thing going on, but no. Ugh. I truly have become my mother.

At the Inn, Michele is being his normal French self when Kirk appears to bring Sookie her wedding photos. I hope that dress looked better in pictures than it did on TV. Kirk asks Lorelai if they can talk and then he asks her out. Aww. That’s adorable. Lorelai tries to turn him down but he tells her she’s the pretty girl he’s ever seen who wasn’t doing some sort of horrible act in a Hustler. What a romantic.

The next day is Rory’s first day of school and her swearing in ceremony as Vice President. Rory has invited Judgy WASP Mom and Lorelai is trying not to spontaneously combust from rage.

The swearing in ceremony is boring for everyone but it gives us something amazing – this moment of Kelly Bishop checking her watch. Except she isn’t wearing a watch.

Screen shot 2015-06-20 at 9.44.49 AM

That, and Paris speech about having to dismantle Chilton if they dared to paint it white and pink made that scene worth it. After, Judgy WASP Mom schedules a lunch with Lorelai at Luke’s for the next day.

At a school government meeting, Paris lectures everyone while boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts sit on the table untouched. I thought it was a bit odd that they used Krispy Kreme in this scene so I googled – there are only 2 Krispy Kreme locations in all of Connecticut, which makes perfect sense. Why? Because if you are in the northeastern United States there is only one donut shop that matters:

I miss Dunks. I had class 4 nights a week when I was in grad school and the only thing that got me through those classes was a giant cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee. Not because it was good, no, their coffee is terrible. But it was a needed pick-me-up after working 8+ hours at my office job.

After Paris is done with her rant, she allows that Poof girl from the first season a chance to talk. She wants to have shorter hem lines for their skirts (they’re only allowed 3/4 an inch above the knee – which is bullshit because Rory’s is obviously shorter than that in the swearing in scene.) This, of course, does not sit well with Paris.

Later, Rory is pulled into the bathroom and forced into some backhanded deal with the Poof girl. With the exception of the Poof plot itself, this has to be one of the dumbest things to ever happen on this show. I don’t really give a shit about this, I don’t really feel there is any actual threat to Paris and her presidency, and I feel like Rory should just be like “Hey Paris, FYI, this happened today.”

Back in Stars Hollow, Lorelai meets Judgy WASP Mom for lunch. Luke’s is packed, which I find hard to believe for a small town diner at 1 p.m. on a weekday, but, ok. Luke teases Lorelai about Kirk asking her out. Apparently he asked Luke for advice. There’s this episode of The X-Files called “The Rain King” (6th season) where Mulder and Scully have to investigate weird weather phenomena in a small town somewhere in the middle of America. Turns out the phenomena is caused by this guy having sad feels because the woman he loves is in love with another man. Scully calls Mulder to find out where he is and he tells her that the weather guy is asking him for dating advice. Scully is all, “…???” she hangs up and says, “It’s the blind leading the blind.” That is how I feel about this Kirk hitting up Luke for dating advice. Dude is a MONK. He spends 99% of his time angrily pouring coffee and yelling at Taylor. He knows fuck all about dating.

Lorelai makes Judgy WASP Mom admit why she wanted to have lunch. She’s talked to C-Money. She thinks that C-Money isn’t in love with Pretty Hair and that Pretty Hair is trying to “trap” him. Considering C-Money is the one who now has unintentionally gotten two women pregnant, I’m going to go with no. No one is trying to trap him. He’s just dumb. Lorelai gets pissed, tells Judgy WASP Mom to jump off a bridge, and storms out.

At Chilton, Rory decides to talk Paris into raising hemlines instead of just telling her that Poof Girl is trying to blackmail her into…whatever it is she’s trying to blackmail her into. I don’t understand why Rory would risk getting on Paris’s bad side with this, especially because she’s been on her bad side before (the great Spiky Asked Rory To A Concert debacle of seasons 1 – 2). It’s not like Paris isn’t going to find out about Rory and her little alliance with the Poof Girl. We’ve all seen reality TV – alliances are bullshit and will always piss someone off. I guess we can all assume this is a setup for some unnecessary Rory/Paris drama later in the season.

At Friday Night Dinner, C-Money just shows up unannounced because he’s a god damned idiot who has seen too many movies. He tells Lorelai that he’s so upset because she’s keeping Rory from him. Rory jumps in to say, “no I just don’t want to talk to you. You can’t keep a promise to save your life so GTFO.”

C-Money “isn’t happy” about how everything turned out because it has caused him man pain. This is him right now:

Lorelai correctly points out that Pretty Hair is still pregnant so too fucking bad that he’s not happy. This is what it is. C-Money continues to whine so Judgy WASP Mom kicks him to the curb.

Honestly, I’m beginning to think that the main thesis of the Gilmore Girls is that children ruin everything. Lorelai had her future “ruined” by getting pregnant with Rory. (C-Money’s future was not ruined by Rory (only by his own fuck ups) and that’s something younger girls need to remember when their dumb boyfriends whine about wearing a condom.) Lorelai and C-Money’s future was ruined by Pretty Hair getting pregnant.

Pictured: A baby ruining everything

Later as the girls walk around Stars Hollow, Kirk stops Lorelai and she lets him down gently. It’s good – I didn’t want to see Lorelai going on a “pity date” with Kirk.

Rory runs into Broody at the market and she’s a bitch to him. She’s mad that he got himself a girlfriend after the kiss at the wedding. Broody points out that Rory didn’t contact him at all while she was away AND she’s still with Floppy. I hate to admit it but Broody has a point here. Why should he be expected to sit around and wait for Rory while she still has a boyfriend? He should go off and date other girls – Rory made her choice and he shouldn’t be expected to hang around and wait for her on the off-chance she breaks it off with Floppy.

So she stomps off with a bag of crap food so her and her mother can go feel sorry for themselves at home.

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