We begin this episode with Lane excited about band practice and Lorelai having premonitions about her own death. She had a dream about being eaten by a turtle and her face swings to the back of her head. Since Lorelai is not actually going to die we can ignore most of this cold open.
Lane is having problems during band practice. The boys want to turn it up to 11 and Lane is all, “We play smooth jazz now, guys! Let’s hurry up and learn that 4th song so we can impress Yanni and Kenny G.”
The guys want a practice space in Hartford and Lane can’t see how her crazy person mother will allow that. Because she won’t. Lane tries to get Rory’s advice on the situation but all Rory can really do is shrug her shoulders and thank the various gods of Stars Hollow (Kirk, I assume, he has all the jobs in town) that her mother is a “cool mom.”
Some woman calls to speak to Lorelai and she looks like something out of an Edgar Allen Poe story if Edgar Allen Poe wrote about the horrors of suburban America. She even has helmet hair. Rory and Lorelai go back and forth for about half an hour over who this strange woman is before Lorelai gets on the phone. Helmet Hair wants Lorelai to speak to the children of Stars Hollow High and tell them all about her success managing the Inn. After Lorelai says yes, Helmet mentions that she’s really like to get Luke to talk to the class as well, most likely to discuss the pros and pros of wearing backward baseball caps every day.
Lane tries to broach the subject of band practice with her mother but her mom makes her fill out applications to super religious colleges instead. Thank God for Mrs. Kim – Lane almost applied to a school where boys and girls sit together in the cafeteria!! (Also – where is Mr. Kim? I can’t imagine Mrs. Kim would be ok with divorce. Is he away on business? Stuck under piles of furniture? Hiding in plain sight in his “Kirk” costume?)
Luke calls Lorelai and tries to get out of talking to the kids. He doesn’t actually want to back out because he will do anything if it means spending a few hours with Lorelai, even listening to her
dying cow impression Louis Armstrong impression.
Lane loses her mind while telling Rory about the college applications and decides to dye her hair purple. I would have gone with blue, but, whatever. They go into the beauty supply store that did not exist before this episode. After picking out dye Rory turns around and sees that Bleachy works at the store. Rory glares at her like she just witnessed her kicking a puppy unicorn with scoliosis.
Lorelai goes to pick Luke up so they can give their Corporate America Indoctrination Speeches to malleable young minds. Luke is dressed like he always is – meaning he looks like he got stuck living in Eddie Vedder’s closet circa 1994. Lorelai makes him change. As they walk in, Broody is doing up his pants and that’s a weird choice? Did they yell action before he was fully dressed?
Luke changes, they leave, and Lorelai tells Luke that she saw a girl in the closet. That explains the “doing up the pants/sitting with a large book over his crotch” move. EWWWW. Not “ewww” as in “EWWW SEX IS GROSS!!!” but “Eww” as “Eww teenage pawing.”
Meanwhile, Rory and Lane are bleaching Lane’s hair while listening to Siouxie & the Banshees “Cities in Dust” which happens to be one of my favorite Siouxie & the Banshees songs. (Of course “Face to Face” will always have a place in my heart because it’s in Batman Returns and Batman & Catwoman 5EVA OTP OTP OTP TEARS TEARS TEARS, etc.)
Rory asks if Lane has told Dave about her hair. Apparently we should be shipping Lane/Dave? Ok. I guess I can get on board with that. Lane is talking about how she wishes she had what Rory and Floppy have and Rory gets all nervous and upset. No one tell her Broody was just doing the pants dance with Bleachy, ok? That’ll really set her off.
Lorelai and Luke meet up with Helmet Hair. She is a terrifying visage of suburban noir. Why isn’t that a thing? Can we bring back noir but just set it in the ‘burbs?
During Lorelai’s speech, a lot of the girls start asking Lorelai about having Rory at 16. And they’re acting like it’s a good thing? I realize that not everyone graduated during the Clinton administration and did not have the luxury of comprehensive sex education, but COME ON. No one is thinking a baby at 16 is a good thing. If there are any young girls reading this blog, first – stop. Too much swearing! Go read something wholesome! And, second – graduate high school and college before you start thinking about babies. You’ve got plenty of time! Finally – BIRTH CONTROL. CONDOMS. Every time. No excuses. And if you’re with some dude who whines about using condoms, tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out.
Lane’s hair is finally dyed, a.k.a. she is wearing a really shitty purple wig in this scene. She freaks out and makes Rory go buy black hair dye because she does not want Mrs. Kim to kill her. At the beauty supply store, Bleachy is on the phone with Broody. I hope they’ve discussed safe sex. Rory yells at Bleachy because she didn’t get off the phone the minute Rory walked up to the counter. She gives her best Emily Gilmore impression by complaining about the service. Watch out, Rory – You may become a Judgy WASP yet!
After the disaster talk at the school, Lorelai is stopped by a group of angry blonde moms. What does one call a group of moms? A gaggle? A murder? A coalition?
The women yell at Lorelai and Luke ghosts the fuck out because he cannot. It’s nice that he didn’t decide to play the white knight – he knows Lorelai can handle her own shit.
Luke and his very nice shoulder-to-waist-ratio go to his apartment to talk to Broody, he of the “The adults will never know I was fooling around with a girl!” pants move. Note to kids – ADULTS ALWAYS KNOW. You think you invented that shit? No. We were doing the same thing and thinking we were smooth, too.
Luke is all, “Hey, maybe you shouldn’t treat women like garbage when you are fucking them? I don’t know, just a thought.” And Broody is all, “I don’t care about Bleachy cause, like, caring is for pussies.” I then paused it on this moment, which makes Luke look like he is very bald yet also has a mullet?
Luke tells Broody to maybe play hide the hotdog with a girl he actually cares about? Broody gets all indignant and pulls the “
RORY GIRLS I LIKE DON’T LIKE ME SO I’M OK IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE I RELATE TO BOOKS FEATURING PROTAGONISTS WHO CANNOT FEEL/CARE.” He also drops the “I’m not going to wait around for Rory the way you’re waiting on Lorelai” bomb, which, well done. Point for Broody.
Broody SHOULDN’T sit around and wait for Rory. He shouldn’t be expected to put his love life on hold on the off-chance some girl with a boyfriend will break up with that boyfriend. And Luke shouldn’t wait around for Lorelai, either. I know that this all goes against the idea of OMG, TRUE LOVE or whatever, but I speak from experience. I waited around for so many dudes to notice me when I was younger and you know what happened? Nothing. I sat home while they went out. I didn’t even attempt to date anyone else because I didn’t want the object of my affections to think I wasn’t available. I was so invested in the idea of THE ONE that it never occurred to me that THE ONE wasn’t the guy I met in math class at 15. So I wasted a lot of time while everyone else was out having fun. I would not do it that way had I the chance to do it all over again.
Lorelai meets up with Lane and Rory. Lane shows her the picture of her in the wig and Lorelai is kind enough to lie and say it looks cool. Then they go to Al’s Pancake World for dinner. The end.