Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 3, Episode 5 “Eight O’Clock at the Oasis”

This episode opens with Luke having a conniption fit because a bunch of parents with young kids have decided to hang out in his diner. There are babies and trains that don’t work and…OMG..BREAST FEEDING.

NOT BREAST FEEDING!!!! OH GOD! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Calm down, Luke. I know you don’t see a lot of boobs in general but she’s just feeding her kid. I’ve said it before but this show has a real weird anti-childbirth/breast feeding/etc stance. Personally, I’m jealous of women who can breast feed their kids in public. My tits are so grossly oversized that I don’t think I’d be able to breast feed without having to put the kid on the floor so they could actually find my nipple.

Broody also freaks out but that’s to be expected because he’s a 17-year-old boy and hasn’t figured out that boobs are not just there for him to think about while he jacks it.

At the Inn, Michele is talking about pillows but I can’t concentrate because THIS. JUST. HAPPENED.

Screen shot 2015-06-28 at 8.17.08 PM

OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG!!!!!!!!! I heard about this. But I never thought I’d live to see it. Life is truly beautiful. :One single tear falls down my cheek:

I fucking love Jon Hamm. I mean:

He’s so fucking PRETTY. AND! And – I still think Warner Bros./DC fucked up in not picking him to play older Bruce Wayne/Batman. I mean, how perfect would he have been gliding through a party in an impeccably tailored tux wearing a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes?

YAS GAWD.

Wait. What am I talking about? OH. GILMORES. Right.

Judgy WASP Mom calls and invites Lorelai to the “Society Matron’s Auction”. Lorelai rags on her mom because it’s a terrible name for a club. Lorelai is 100% correct. “Matron” is such an ugly word with even uglier connotations. It basically means “old unfuckable woman.” I recommend a “brand renovation” for Emily and her friends, starting with a contest to rename her weird club. “Pearl-Clutching Old Biddies” sounds better than “Society Matrons” because at least pearl-clutching is active.

Michele overhears Lorelai’s phone call and begs to go to the auction with her.

That night, the girls pick up a pizza and as Lorelai is getting her mail (in the dark) some creepy man emerges from the shadows and tries to talk to her. I can only assume this man is a killer because there is nothing more terrifying than an unknown man materializing out of the darkness and getting all chatty when you’re all alone. I know men get offended when women say that, but shit, women get killed by men every day. We need to put up the old “I DON’T TALK TO DUDES WHO ARE HIDING IN MY BUSHES AT NIGHT” buffer so we don’t, you know, get murdered.

This guy is Lorelai’s new Murdering Neighbor. He wants Lorelai to water his lawn and go into his basement so he can cut her into pieces. Lorelai goes to his house because she is far too trusting and has not read The Gift of Fear. After realizing that this guy lists “stabbing imaginary clowns” as a “like” on his Tinder profile, Lorelai finally wises up and runs for her life. She barely makes it in the house before he Jasons her.

Water my lawn, Lorelai. What could go wrong…

Somehow, Lorelai puts the “I was totally almost murdered” issue aside and goes to the auction with Michele. Judgy WASP Mom is there in some purple number that would be considered too loud at a concert. Lorelai decides she needs a drink so she goes to the bar, where she meets Jon Hamm. They flirt a little and Jon Hamm walks away to bid on a painting of money or whatever it is rich people have paintings of.

Later, Lorelai is trying to find out who Jon Hamm was because he’s Jon Hamm (and she didn’t meet him after he emerged from her bushes like a god damned lunatic). She’s harassing someone on the phone and Rory makes fund of her for her ridiculous attempt at figuring out who he is. Rory suggests that she ask Judgy WASP Mom.

So she does. Turns out Jon Hamm’s name is “Peyton Sanders.” The only name whiter than that is Benedict Cumberbatch. Judgy WASP Mom takes a sadistic glee in making Lorelai ask her for Jon Hamm’s number. Sometimes Judgy WASP Mom is an asshole.

Lorelai and Rory have agreed to water Murdering Neighbor’s lawn. He’s left a note inviting them inside. He promises satellite TV and a plethora of board games. That’s what someone who is trying to lure people into his Saw-like torture chamber would say! Because this has become a horror movie, the girls go inside where they are immediately killed. This serves as one of the strangest show finales ever broadcast, right up there with the last episode of Dinosaurs.

Jon Hamm calls Lorelai. They make plans to go see David Bowie and to have dinner. When he shows up to take her out he is lovely and pretty and tall and…SIGH.

However, pretty and tall and lovely only go so far and Jon Hamm is boring. And he has no personality. This breaks my heart because JON HAMM. Sigh.

Let’s all pour one out for the relationship that could have been.

The next day, Lorelai has to bring a lamp to Judgy WASP Mom. Judgy WASP Mom wants to know how the date with Jon Hamm was. See, she knows his mother and she mentioned that they were supposed to go to Bowie together. For some reason, she thinks Lorelai needs to “honor her commitment” and go on another date with Boring Jon Hamm. Don’t do it, Lorelai! I went on an internet date once with this beautiful man. Black hair, green eyes, broad shouldered…wow. He was probably the most attractive guy I’d ever dated up to that point. HE WAS BORING. All he did was sit at the bar and stare at the TV, even though he had picked the time and place of the date. I asked questions, he answered in monosyllabic replies. And I, against my better judgment, decided to go on a second date with him. What if he was nervous, I thought? Give him a second chance, I thought! SAME FUCKING THING HAPPENED! So, no. Don’t do it. One and done.

Lorelai and Rory eat at Luke’s and talk about watering the Murdering Neighbor’s lawn. I can’t focus on the plot because everyone walking behind their table is visibly DUCKING. You can’t see their heads, but you can tell by the way their bodies move that they are ducking out of the way of what is probably the boom mic.

Screen shot 2015-06-28 at 9.40.08 PM

Spacey Grandpa calls Lorelai and tells her that he’s going to play golf with Jon Hamm’s dad. He’ll call her afterwards to “assess the damage” and to see if Lorelai has to apologize for the way she treated Jon Hamm. This is bogus. Apparently this will hurt what order Judgy WASP Mom gets her tea at the DAR meeting? It’s insane and dumb and I don’t understand why her parents think she needs to apologize. I can understand why Lorelai left them when she was still a teenager – these people not only thought it was her fault that C-Money knocked up his girlfriend, but now they think she needs to apologize to Jon Hamm for not thinking he was fascinating.

Rory goes back to the murder house. This house has a key that operates the sprinklers instead of a timer like normal people have. This is obviously designed so Murdering Neighbor can lure unsuspecting fools into his Death Pit. The sprinklers are “broken” and Rory needs help before she drowns/becomes a sacrifice to the tiki gods living in Murdering Neighbor’s living room. Broody to the rescue. He turns off the sprinklers for her, somehow getting completely soaked from one shot to the next. They have a capital M Moment before Floppy pages Rory. Broody turns the sprinklers back on so Floppy can feel useful.

At Friday Night Dinner, Judgy WASP Mom is an ass to Lorelai because she didn’t worship at the altar of Boring Jon Hamm. Lorelai tells her that she’s sorry about how involved the whole thing was and then she does something stupid – she thinks her mother will have sympathy for her. She says “We hate each other but I’ll go hang out with him again just so you can get the first cup of tea at your dumb meeting for old ladies.” Judgy WASP Mom is all, “Good.” What the fuck, man? Bullshit. Never do anything nice for anyone. Especially if those people are your parents.

The episode ends and we can all assume Lorelai had a terrible time at the Bowie concert (Unless that happens in the next episode?) Let’s hope they didn’t talk and she just got to stare at him all night.

Pretty. (He really should have been Bruce Wayne/Batman in Batman V. Superman.)

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3 thoughts on “Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 3, Episode 5 “Eight O’Clock at the Oasis”

  1. This is a gem. “I recommend a ‘brand renovation’ for Emily and her friends, starting with a contest to rename her weird club. ‘Pearl-Clutching Old Biddies’ sounds better than ‘Society Matrons’ because at least pearl-clutching is active.”

  2. Then suddenly Don Draper appears! I literally gasped!
    Weird neighbor’s Tiki decor = DLM
    Thanks for all the dreamy pics of JH! OX

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