Happy America Day to my fellow Americans! ‘MURICA, FUCK YEAH! Independence Day is the day where all Americans put aside our differences to light shit on fire and eat processed animals parts that have been compressed into cylindrical tubes.
Don’t worry. Tomorrow we’ll be back to ignoring all the terrible problems that plague our nation like guns and institutionalized racism.
We begin this episode with Lorelai trying to clean out her catalogue backlog. There’s a bit about fake names (Squeegee Beckenheim, anyone?) but then she runs off because she can’t finish a project. I get like that sometimes. I made a comic book clock out of repurposed comic book pages and a broken clock I found at Goodwill. I have yet to add the numbers.
I’ve also made comic book shoes, a comic book laptop cover, and a comic book journal. (I’m seriously thinking about opening an Etsy store.)
The town is having another Town Meeting where Taylor lets everyone in on his sick fantasies of turning the town into a Vlad the Impaler-style killing field for pigeons. While this is happening the guy from Borat comes in and asks Miss Patty if she’s ready for their date. Go on, Miss Patty. Get it.
Just as Miss Patty is going to go have dirty sex with the Borat guy, Taylor tells everyone that “the town loner” wants to stage a protest. I take this moniker lightly as this town would classify anyone who only went to Luke’s once a day as “the town loner.”
After the meeting, Luke and Lorelai see Broody drive by in his new shithouse of a car. That Broody has a car is news to Luke and he wonders where he got the money. He says that it couldn’t have come from working at the diner because he can barely afford a car. That kind of goes against the “I’ll give Lorelai $30k to fix her house and then I’ll just write a check for $100k to buy a fucking building” moments of the last season.
Luke asks Broody where he got the money to buy the car and Broody is typical Broody because god forbid he just answer a fucking question. However, Luke should know that you can get a piece of shit car like that for like $500, so it’s not outside the realm of possibility that Broody saved up that much money considering he has no other expenses. Broody also says that he’ll make any repairs to the car himself. Apparently every man in Stars Hollow can fix things. Their testosterone comes complete with innate knowledge of household repairs and car tinkering!
Rory gets an invitation to Pretty Hair’s baby shower. I wish the show would drop C-Money completely. Yes, he’s Rory’s dad, but Rory’s dad could have remained the guy who lived in California that we never see instead of a repeat Lorelai Love Interest.
The next day, Luke goes to Gypsy’s to ask if she noticed any suspicious behavior from Broody when he bought the car. She assures him that everything was fine. I guess he was hoping for this?
Back at Luke’s, Taylor tries to convince the Reverend and the Rabbi that they shouldn’t allow The Town Loner to hold a protest at their joint church/temple thing. Is that a thing anywhere other than the Gilmore universe? Also – there are like 20 people in all of Stars Hollow, how do the various faiths justify paying these guys full time if they’ve only got a flock of 10 people? As Taylor storms out, Luke comes in. He goes upstairs and starts snooping around in Broody’s stuff. NOT COOL, LUKE. Broody is a huge pain in the ass but he deserves some level of privacy. All kids do. I can’t tell you how invaluable it was to me to have a mother who didn’t believe in going through my things or reading my diary. Not that I had anything to hide – I was a terribly boring child whose bad behavior amounted to staying out to the last possible second and then driving 10 miles over the speed limit to make sure I still made curfew. But I still appreciated being able to write anything I wanted in a diary where no one would ever see it. (Note for kids today – there is something to be said for analog journals.)
Rory and Lane discuss the baby shower – they note that childbirth seems like a “big cosmic joke.” They are correct. Childbirth is FUCKING TERRIFYING. I do not have children but I assume childbirth is the most traumatizing moment of a woman’s life. All the first hand accounts of labor I’ve ever read are all, “EVERY ORGAN CAME OUT OF MY BODY AND HIT THE DOCTOR RIGHT IN HIS DUMB FACE! THE RED CROSS HAD TO ORGANIZE A BLOOD DRIVE JUST FOR ME BECAUSE I USED EVERY BAG OF BLOOD THEY HAD!!! I TORE FROM MY COLLARBONE ON MY CHEST TO THE SHOULDER BLADE ON MY BACK! I LITERALLY DIED AND HAD TO BE RESUSCITATED BY 17 CRASH CARTS! I WAS SO DAMAGED BY MY DELIVERY THAT THEY HAD TO MAKE A NEW VAGINA ON MY THIGH WHICH MAKES WEARING SHORTS AWKWARD!!!!!! But, no, being a mass of scar tissue held together by string is totally worth it because I have a child that resents me.” Sounds great, guys. Sign me up!
Lane then sees Broody’s car and has a fit. He totaled Rory’s car and now he has a car?? OMG, THE INJUSTICE!!! I’m a little unclear as to WHY everyone gives such a fuck about Broody’s car. Luke makes sense as he is Broody’s guardian. But everyone else? None of your business.
Lorelai drives Rory to Boston so she can go to Pretty Hair’s baby shower. She then complains because Pretty Hair has picked the gender neutral green for her baby shower. Regulating colors to genders is ridiculous as it is – you’d think Lorelai would be 100% behind busting that bullshit. Suddenly, a blonde woman saunters up to their car like:
It’s Pretty Hair! Wasn’t she a brunette before? Did I make that up? She invites Lorelai to the shower and, of course, Lorelai goes.
Pretty Hair is TV pregnant, meaning all the weight is magically in her bump and she hasn’t gained anything anywhere else. Not even in her boobs. Once the shower begins, the women decide that they need to play “shower games.” UGH. NO. I hate this shit. I don’t want to dig through a diaper with a melted candy bar inside of it or try to guess what the substance in the baggy is (baby powder? Diaper ointment? WHO CARES???) This makes me glad I don’t have friends.
Pretty Hair also mentions that she scheduled a c-section. So not only have we had the “Breast feeding is evil,” “gendered colors are good,” and “labor is a nightmare” moments from the show – now we have “women who have c-sections are all selfish and horrible monsters.” Good job, show! I hope you feel proud for participating in the early days of the Mommy Wars (where women on the internet judge other women for not having a baby the exact same way they did.) How about we all just agree that as long as you make it out of the delivery room with a healthy baby and living mom that however it happened is ok? And that as long as your child is fed that it doesn’t actually matter if you’ve chosen to breast feed exclusively or to supplement with formula? Can we all get to that place?
Pretty Hair takes a moment out of her busy party to tell Lorelai all about how great C-Money has been for her and the baby. It’s rubbing it into Lorelai’s face that he wasn’t there for her while she was pregnant, and that he’s chosen to go be an awesome guy with another woman. I do feel bad for Lorelai right now (even though she’s better off without C-Money.)
Lorelai has to go to the bathroom to recompose herself. She rearranges the medicine cabinet because she’s so angry. Rory comes into the bathroom and Lorelai starts ranting about how Pretty Hair is “copying her” by having a girl. She bitches about the scheduling and how Pretty Hair has terrible taste in music. Right now, she’s pulling the “I’m Not Like Other Girls” card. The perfect example of this is the Taylor Swift song “You Belong With Me”.
This card is usually played when a (usually young) girl (or woman) has internalized misogyny to the point where they start parroting sexist bullshit about how they just don’t get along with other women because other women are into shopping and shoes and frappachinos while they’re into *real stuff* like sports and video games. Women are socialized to tear other women down – it’s how the patriarchy functions. We’re trained to attack other women if they dare to act a different way than we do (see: the aforementioned Mommy Wars.) In this scene, it’s Pretty Hair who has dared to commit the sin of not liking “serious” music and keeping to a schedule, which automatically labels her as “not right” for the object of Lorelai’s affections because Lorelai obviously understands him in a way that she doesn’t. Instead of being able to find some middle ground like grownups, they’re in competition over a man who isn’t all that great to begin with.
I give Taylor Swift a pass for that song – she was young and didn’t know any better. God knows I’ve had my “I’m Not Like Other Girls!” moments. Thankfully, I grew up and realized there is no winning when you play that game. I hope that Lorelai one day realizes the same.
Back at Luke’s, Broody asks Luke why he’s been going through his stuff. Luke wants to know where he got the money to buy the car, even going as far as asking if Broody is a gigolo (LOL LOL LOL). Broody admits that he has another job – he works at Wal-Mart. (Broody is actually their dream employee – he gets his health insurance from someone else and he doesn’t need to pay for anything so he won’t complain about the criminally low wages that they pay.) Luke makes fun of him for working at Wal-Mart, though I don’t quite understand why. He’s a kid who wanted extra money so he went out and got a job. Good for him (even though Wal-Mart is a terrible corporation.)
Rory and Lorelai are driving back from Boston and Lorelai is still (understandably) upset about Pretty Hair. When they get to town, Rory has the great idea to pelt deviled eggs at Broody’s car. Lorelai goes along with it because she has no sense of boundaries or right and wrong. They could have gone home and thrown the eggs at a trash can or something (still cathartic, doesn’t fuck up anyone else’s shit) but they didn’t. They egg his car and then try to peel out as they speed away. They can’t, so they make the peeling out noise. I wish this happened in the Fast & the Furious franchise. I’d love to see Vin Diesel making a grumbly squeal as he hits the NOS button for the 19th time.
The next day, the girls go into town and watch the protest. Taylor, like any good Republican, asks the one cop in town if she is “locked and loaded” in case the protest gets out of hand. Shooting people is always the answer! The Town Loner unfurls his banner from the top of the church but the banner is backwards and no one sees the message. He tries to yell something but you can’t hear it. He is a metaphor for the common man’s place in the democratic process. Or a representation of my blog – pointless yelling into the void as I await the inevitable.
Broody comes out and sees what happened to his car. He immediately calls Luke, who tells him it looks like someone devil egged his car. He’s all mad and Luke just keeps making fun of him for having a job because Luke is the worst. Rory makes it a point to tell Broody that she wasn’t anywhere near his car last night, making it very obvious that she was the one who egged his car. The show ends on a happy note – the girls walking away giddy from their vandalism.