Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 3, Episode 7 “They Shoot Gilmores, Don’t They?”

It’s time for the annual Stars Hollow Dance Marathon! A dance-a-thon! Now would be a great time to mention that I am skeptical of all things containing the “-athon” suffix. They’re too cheerful. Too Andy Griffith/Donna Reed for me.

That movie where Reese Witherspoon brought color to a town by fucking it into Paul Walker. 

Lorelai is still searching for a dance partner, but it won’t be Luke because he’s going to be fucking over the dancers by charging them $1 for a cup of crappy coffee. A 24 hour dance-a-thon? These people are insane.

Lorelai thinks she’s found a dance partner in some dude who used to tour with Riverdance. Lest we forget, this is Riverdance:

Be still my groin!

He can’t dance with her because his wife is worried that Lorelai will stop vertical dancing with her husband and move to horizontal dancing with him. I’d only be worried if he were doing some Magic Mike shit. I saw Magic Mike XXL yesterday. Y’all can keep Channing Tatum, I’m here for Joe Manganiello.

SIGH.

At school, Paris is focused on putting out the 75th anniversary issue of The Franklin out. As she’s walking out of the school, Jamie, that guy she went on a date with in DC, is standing in the courtyard. Yes, a random older man hanging around a high school isn’t anything to be concerned about! He wants to be with Paris. Like, as her boyfriend. I have a very firm “If you are over 18, don’t date under 18” rule so I’m a little squicked out by this. However, I’m also cheering for Paris – she has a boy who likes her! Awww!

Back in Stars Hollow, Lane and Rory are hanging out with Floppy. He’s still on this show! I don’t think he’s been on the show for the last…4 episodes? Nice to see that he’s not dead.

Lorelai decides that Rory is her new dance partner. If she can dance to “Pony” like Channing Tatum can, they’ve got this in the bag! Rory says she’ll ask Paris if they can reschedule working on the paper for another day.

When Rory asks Paris if they can reschedule, she says yes. She’s also late to class. It’s because she has a college boyfriend. A college-aged boyfriend who wants to date a minor. I don’t know if I can ignore that…

The day of the dance marathon, the girls dress like they stepped out of the 1940s. Why? Because. Babette signs them in while wearing a fabulous hat.

Screen shot 2015-07-05 at 5.35.12 PM

While waiting to get a physical (????) Sookie, looking beautiful, comes over to Lorelai and tells her that Jackson has dropped the kid bomb on her. He wants 4 kids in 4 years.

Four kids in FOUR YEARS? Are you kidding? That basically means that you’d have to get knocked up the first time you have sex after the mandatory 6 week waiting period post vaginal delivery. (And that’s only if there aren’t any complications.) Here’s something that sex ed, even comprehensive sex ed like I, had neglects to tell you – getting pregnant can be hard. Even healthy couples can take an average of 6 months to conceive. So he’s assuming everything will go well and they’ll need one shot, every time, for 4 kids?

Apparently, Sookie never talked to Jackson about her “HOLY SHIT FUCK I DO NOT WANT 4 KIDS EVER!!” feelings. She doesn’t want to talk about it, either, because they’re still newlyweds! Being a newlywed is great but it doesn’t make you invulnerable to fights or to bad shit happening. Kids, money, career plans – these are things that all need to be out in the open from day one of your marriage or it won’t work.

Lane is not allowed to dance because dancing leads to Satan. She’s regulated to eggless egg salad sandwich duty while Mrs. Kim hands out pamphlets about Jesus. She’s the lady who would pass out pamphlets about Jesus instead of Halloween candy. Those people are the worst. Just give me a snickers! I’ll worry about Jesus after (a.k.a. never) I enjoy a candy bar featuring peanuts and a chewy caramel/nougat center!

Side note – Lorelai’s dress is AMAZING. I would like one in every color, please.

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The dance-a-thon begins. Babette does what I would do and dances for about 30 seconds before tapping out. She is my patronus. Floppy shows up to watch the dancing, which Alexis Bledel is terrible at pretending to do. Suddenly, Broody and Bleachy march right through the middle of the dance floor because this show can’t even make Broody act like a normal person if by “normal person” they mean “respectful.” No one would march through the center of the dance floor when they could go around, but god forbid we don’t think “He’s a BAD BOY!” the minute Broody walks onscreen.

Broody plops his ass down on the bleachers, looks Rory right in the eye, and starts making out with Bleachy. I can only guess this is revenge for her (and her mother) devil egging his car last episode.

It takes Floppy 14 hours to notice that Broody is staring directly at Rory and Rory keeps looking back. He’s dumb as a box of defective hammers. Sookie and Jackson dance over to the girls and Jackson is being a cranky dickface because Sookie has mentioned that Lorelai told her to talk to him about his insane breeding program. He’s all, “I didn’t know I was a Mormon!” Having more than one wife is the only way his childbearing plan makes any sense so maybe he should convert? (This is a joke. I am aware mainstream Mormons don’t have more than one wife.)

Finally, they get a 10 minute break. Lorelai dies while Rory goes to get some of whatever the hell Lane’s mom calls food. Broody is there and he gets into a snark-off with Floppy and Rory. It’s very ridiculous and involves both Broody and Rory hugging their respective partners to make each other jealous. Sometimes I think that the need for drama in a story creates seriously unhealthy expectations in real relationships. Rory and Floppy happy in their relationship would be boring television, which is why we have this love triangle in the show. This sort of drama makes for a shitty relationship in real life, but we’ve been so conditioned to believe that drama = relationship that I think a lot of people don’t realize there can be another way.

Lorelai is getting coffee from Luke’s rip off table (who am I kidding – she doesn’t ever pay for coffee!!) when Jackson comes over to scream at her for talking to Sookie. It’s not her business that his 4 kids in 4 years idea is the plan of a madman! Luke is all, “…The fuck is wrong with you?” which just makes Jackson scream more and stomp off. There is a lot of scream-acting on this show. Like, a fuck ton.

There is one hour left in the marathon when Lorelai’s heel breaks off her shoe. She makes Floppy dance with Rory while she uses her yellow 10 minute break card to get Luke to fix her shoe. Luke tells Lorelai that he doesn’t actually hate kids. He’s just telling her because he doesn’t want to knock himself out of Lorelai’s “potential suitors” stable.

Dave, Lane’s band mate, wanders over to the sandwich table to talk to Lane. At this point it’s 5 a.m. and he missed her so much that he got up and drove from wherever the fuck he lives just to see her. Aww. He even charms Mrs. Kim by dropping a mention of his parents being in “private Bible study.” At 5 a.m. Mrs. Kim, you are smarter than that.

On the dance floor, Rory starts bitching to Floppy about whatever Broody is doing. Then she pulls the “THAT Bleachy girl is a WHORE” crap, which is stupid because if Rory had the opportunity she’d be fucking Broody, too. Finally, Floppy has had enough. He breaks up with Rory on the dance floor and tells her that he knows she’s into Broody (and has been for a long time.) Rory walks off, ruining her mother’s chance of beating Kirk in the marathon.

Broody finds her on the bridge and tells her that Floppy is a jerk for breaking up with her in front of anyone. Oh, FLOPPY is a jerk? This from the guy who slammed into people as he walked through a crowded dance floor, antagonized Floppy and Rory for no reason other than he felt like it, and used poor Bleachy as a walking cock koozie? HE’S the jerk? Well, he ain’t the only one.

Rory admits that she likes Broody, Broody admits that he likes Rory, and then Broody goes to break up with Bleachy. As Kirk celebrates his fifth dance marathon win, Rory comes back to the dance floor and cries all over Lorelai’s gorgeous dress.

And that’s that. I’m sure Rory and Broody will be sucking all the face (or other various orifices) next episode.

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3 thoughts on “Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 3, Episode 7 “They Shoot Gilmores, Don’t They?”

  1. A DIRECT reference to “Blue Velvet” in this one! Total DLM!!!
    (You are so so right about this show. It’s epic stupid but I CAN’T STOP WATCHING IT!)

  2. It’s an irresistible train wreck. I watch and I’m appalled that people are willing to deal with any of the Gilmores. I would hate them so much in real life. But my personality is a slightly toned down blend of Paris and Michel, so…

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