It’s Winter Carnival time again in Stars Hollow and this means Lane will be manning a booth to solicit donations for the marching band. She’ll also be practicing with her OTHER band in Lorelai’s garage. Lorelai gives Lane the practice space if she promises not to pose nude on the cover of Rolling Stone. Rolling Stone shows nothing – she’d be better off asking Lane not to send nudes to her boyfriend via text.
At Chilton, Paris is finally acting like an actual teenager and zoning out during class. She’s also ok with canceling the supplemental meeting of the Student Council. Something is up with Paris. And that something is her Boyfriend Whose Name I Don’t Remember. She spent Christmas with his family and his family never pulled him aside to talk about how he really shouldn’t be fucking with anyone under the age of 18. But he LURVES HER and he told her so. Well, good for her, I guess? I’m still not ok with the whole “college guy dating a high school girl” thing.
At the Inn, Michele infuriates a bunch of Hungarians. Michele infuriates everyone all the time – the only reason this is notable is because he said a word wrong and it led to breadstick throwing.
Judgy WASP Mom calls – it’s time for Spacey Grandpa’s 60th birthday celebration!!! He’s only 60? And he was already forced into retirement? Shouldn’t the Spacey Grandpa be at least 65 to make the “forced into retirement” storyline work? Lorelai and Rory are expected to attend the dinner but not to buy a cigar humidor. I can’t tell you how many times I have been given that exact instruction.
At home, Lorelai has a heart attack because of a spider. I sympathize. I make my husband kill them because ew, spiders. If they’re outside, I leave them alone. But in the house? DEAD. Every other bug I will catch and release outside (if the cats don’t get it first.) But spiders? Fuck spiders. Fuck all their gross legs with their gross eyes and their gross scurrying.
Lorelai traps the spider under a coffee cup just as Floppy flops in with a box of Rory’s stuff. Guys – YOU ARE TEENAGERS. How much fucking shit are you leaving at your teenage partner’s house? It’s not like you lived together or even spent the night at the other’s place. Floppy removes the spider from the house and gives Rory her box of crap. She has a sad about it, but not much of one. The next day she’s walk-kissing Broody across town.
In between kisses she asks him to go to the Winter Carnival with her to meet Lane. He says, “nope.” Dude. Don’t be an asshole. I know it’s your natural state of being or whatever, but come the fuck on. Go walk around and eat a corn dog and make fun of the weirdos that gravitate to public events. But he can’t even do that because he “has” her now and he doesn’t have to put in effort anymore! BE STILL MY HEART! SO ROMANTIC!!
Lesson #1 for Rory – Do not suck the dick of any guy who can’t find it in himself to spend 2 hours doing something you really want to do. (This, of course, goes both ways.)
They go to Luke’s where Broody offers to “help” Rory with her homework by taking her upstairs. She’s saved from mediocre pawing by Lorelai, who enters with a bunch of bags. Lorelai needs help determining which of the shit presents she just purchased would be good for her dad. Her dad is hard to buy for so she’s defaulted to grabbing anything and everything just to have something to wrap. Lorelai, as the daughter of a woman who is notoriously difficult to shop for I have two words for you – GIFT CARDS.
Rory managed to get Spacey Grandpa something amazing because she did the simple thing of asking him what he wanted. I’ve tried that with my mom. She always says, “I don’t need anything” or “Nothing.” or “I have too much shit already.” So. GIFT CARDS.
Outside the bookstore, Rory and Floppy collide. Literally. They talk about things but I’m focused on how Rory’s coat has a Chilton crest on it. Not her sweater or her uniform jacket – her pea coat. Jesus, the school snorts money like cocaine.
Rory and Floppy go to Weston’s to get coffee together. They sit by the window. Kirk is the waiter because Kirk works everywhere. I’m beginning to think there is more than one Kirk. They’re like the robots Superman built to take his place while he’s off-world trying to kill Brainiac or stop Darkseid or fuck Maxima.
…So, I Googled to find a picture of Superman and his robots. I found this instead. What the fuck is up with this cover? Wha..??? I just….??? HOW???? I have to find this issue now because it’s perfect for my comic book podcast, “Worst Collection Ever” (brought to you by the Sideshow Network and Comics on Comics!) Yes, I have a podcast – I live in L.A., everyone in L.A. has a podcast.
Floppy is applying to 4-year schools and he and Rory decide to be friends. Whatever. They don’t look terrified by Superman taking off his clothes so it’s not as interesting as I’d hoped.
At Spacey Grandpa’s birthday, he’s happy with all the gifts that he received. Everything seems to be going well, until Lorelai the First walks in. God. She’s a monster. She’s visiting because she needs to check on her house as her previous tenants, Korn, have just moved out. Ah, Korn, You remember Korn!
Oh yes. Those guys. 15/16-year-old me loved their self-titled album. I still maintain “Blind” is one of the greatest opening album tracks in the history of rock music. Because, yes. I WAS ready. Suburban white girl ennui was high back then, I needed something to kick me in the face with bass.
Horrific Grandmother wants to have dinner at the Inn. Rory gets out of it by having to go to the Winter Carnival. Everyone else has to suck up crappy Grandmother dinner. She also wants to see Lorelai’s house, which freaks Judgy WASP Mom out enough to violate all boundaries and go to Lorelai’s home to…clean? I think?
Back at school, that dumb plot where the Poof Girl tries to undermine Paris is still going on. This is so dumb and I refuse to pay it any attention.
Lorelai catches Judgy WASP Mom before she throws her back out while moving the couch. Judgy WASP Mom is freaking out because Horrible Grandmother thinks everything that is wrong in everyone’s life is her fault. Lorelai tells her to develop a defense mechanism. I had a terrible grandmother, too. I coped by not talking to her after I turned 18 if it could be avoided. It worked well for all involved.
Horrible Grandmother visits Lorelais’ house and says nothing. Rory goes to the carnival where Broody refuses to participate…until Rory’s new best friend Floppy walks up. Floppy is going to the carnival with his sister because Floppy has decided that he can be an actual human being and tolerate things. Broody is basically the teenage version of this song:
Broody has decided to go to the carnival but only if he can be a total asshole to a child. Good call, Broody! Show that kid who’s boss!! (In fairness, that kid is fucking annoying.)
Broody asks why Rory is even speaking to Floppy. He’s not happy that Rory and Floppy are now friends even though he says he is. He confronts Floppy in a darkened hallway and it all looks very “beginning of a gay porn.” (Now KISS! KISSSSSSSSS!!!!) Actually, how great would it be if suddenly Floppy and Broody are together and Rory is left standing there like, “What?”
At dinner, Horrible Grandmother announces that she is going to live in Hartford now. Judgy WASP Mom almost has a heart attack but she decides to spite eat – eating everything very slowly so Horrible Grandmother’s terrible schedule is thrown completely off. LOL.
At home, Rory and Lorelai watch the snow while Rory says that both Floppy and Broody are fine with the friend thing.
Sure, Rory. You keep telling yourself that.