Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 3, Episode 11 “I Solemnly Swear…”

It’s Friday Night Dinner, the girls arrive to discover Judgy WASP Mom yelling at someone on the phone. It’s her lawyer. One of her many many many formers maids is suing for wrongful termination. Judgy WASP Mom fired this maid because she sounded like a horse when she walked.

Lorelai is all, “Hey, maybe you should understand people make noise when they walk?” and Judgy WASP Mom is all “NOOOOOOOOOOOO KHAN!!!! KHANNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!”

She’s lucky she’s never had to live in a cheap apartment with thin walls.

At the Inn, Sookie and Jackson are yelling at each other while Lorelai laughs at them. Lorelai is heartless and enjoys the pain of others. Lorelai and Sookie are planning to take the next day off so they can go to a “How To Run An Inn” class, which is something they only have near New England where Bed & Breakfasts are like Starbucks.

At the Medieval Prison for Children, Paris has managed to screw over a bunch of old women so they can get some dumb mansion for their prom. Don’t they all live in mansions? Do they need to go dance in one, too? This is all part of the Poof Girl Power Grab plot. I don’t care so look at this kitten. 

At home, Lorelai gets a message from Judgy WASP Mom’s lawyer about giving a deposition. Lorelai calls and tries to get out of it but, this is Judgy WASP Mom, so.

Lorelai and Sookie go to their Inn class and realize that it’s not only pointless, it’s a SALES PITCH. As they’re stealing all the cookies in revenge, they run into a guy Sookie used to work with and his partner, Billy Burke. (How does he gets any roles that aren’t “Creepy Motherfucker #5”?) You know when you’re with a friend and they run into someone they know and then they reminisce over all the fun things they used to do? And you stand there like “…” because it’s awkward and weird? Yeah, it’s no less awkward when it happens on TV. This scene = ZZZzzzZZZZzzzzzz…. 

Rory meets Poof Girl in a FUCKING PARKING GARAGE like this is the Watergate Scandal or that episode of The X-Files where Tooms shows up for the first time or that other episode of The X-Files where Scully and Mulder meet in the parking garage of the Watergate Hotel because the X-Files have been closed and they’ve been reassigned and Mulder won’t talk to Scully any other way because he’s a fucking drama queen. (Or that episode where Mr. X executes the guy in the hospital parking garage because he stole Scully’s blood or that time Mulder’s dumb British ex-girlfriend scares them by pretending to plant a bomb in their car…there’s a lot of X-Files scenes shot in parking garages, is what I’m saying.) 

Sookie invites her friend to the Inn and they’re cooking together in the kitchen when he drops the “I WANTED TO ASK YOU OUT WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER” bomb. Oh boy. Instead of telling him that she’s married, she runs out of the kitchen to tell Lorelai that this idiot thinks they’re on a date. She goes back in the kitchen and tells him that she’s married. He takes it like you should take a rejection – he’s disappointed but he respects what’s going on. He doesn’t freak out or call her a bitch or a tease. Dudes could learn a lot from this scene.

At Chilton, Poof Girl corners Paris in the bathroom because she loves cornering people in bathrooms. She blames everything on Rory and shows Paris a bunch of pictures of them almost kissing talking in the parking garage. DUMB. All of this is fucking dumb.

Paris, of course, believes Poof Girl. She tries to kill Rory during fencing class. El oh el. Fencing class. They really get into it and for some reason their teacher doesn’t step in? They just get to cause a scene in front of everyone without any adult intervention. What do they think this is, a public school?

At Friday Night Dinner, Judgy WASP Mom has gotten her hands on Lorelai’s deposition and is pissed. She’s pissed because Lorelai answered the questions as Lorelai would. It’s as overblown and stupid as Paris’s freeze out of Rory in the next scene.

Sookie, feeling like she’s done something wrong (she hasn’t), has made Jackson a special dinner to apologize. Jackson, who has no concept of “my wife didn’t do anything wrong”, freaks the fuck out and runs away.

Billy Burke calls Lorelai up and asks her out. Instead of seeing that he’s miscast, she agrees to go out with him. He does bribe her with coffee, so, good call on that.

Is Lorelai going to start dating Billy Burke now? Eww.

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