Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 3, Episode 12 “Lorelai Out of Water”

The girls have told Lane that she can use their garage as a practice space. Yay! Now Lane doesn’t have to think up exactly 18 million lies excuses to tell her super strict mother about why she’s out of the house and why she smells like boys and band equipment. There’s a problem, though. The garage would be at home on this show:

Hopefully they have fewer flat cats buried under trash.

In town, Luke is extremely irritated because Taylor is building his soda shoppe (don’t forget that e!) during the middle of the day and that means Luke can’t concentrate. Luke needs silence to make pies and donuts and fries. Complete silence. Noise makes the burgers angry. Shhhhhh.

Taylor wants his lawyer to look over the lease Luke gave him. Luke says no. Taylor is right (for once.)

Lorelai shows Lane and her band mates the new rehearsal space and one of the guys has a serious hard on for Lorelai. He’s all, “I’m young and can do sex for a long time. My refractory period is much shorter than the refractory period of men your age. I’m not yet 21 so if you go buy some beer – the really expensive kind, like Genesse or Milwaukee’s Best – we can bone in the back of my dad’s old Chevy Nova.”  Lorelai is all,

Lorelai runs away and Argyle Dave (so-called due to his argyle sweater) talks down to Lane about how she needs to step it the fuck up in her playing. Rory, being a good friend, points out that he is being a total dick. Lane says it’s ok because they’re trying to fool the band into not thinking they are together. What better way to do that than to have a guy be an asshole to you! Good plan, guys! Mature!

Lorelai goes on a coffee tasting date with Billy Burke and they taste all the coffee. No, really. They taste it all:

Screen shot 2015-07-20 at 9.00.36 PM

I’m a coffee drinker. I can drink coffee at 11 p.m. and go right to sleep after. I drink at least a pot a day. And even I have to say – that’s a lot of fucking coffee.

You know what’s creepy about Billy Burke (besides everything)? He has the older man, midlife crisis, I’ll-prove-that-I-can-still-grow-hair version of Floppy’s haircut.

Screen shot 2015-07-20 at 9.03.53 PM

Billy Burke and his hair ask Lorelai to go fishing with him next weekend. She says yes for some reason. I’m beginning to think Floppy Haircuts have some weird power over Gilmores. If Judgy WASP Mom had a floppy haircut Lorelai and C-Money would be married by now and Lorelai would design bow ties in between her DAR meetings and pearl-clutching duties.

In Stars Hollow, Lane maybe might be going to her prom kinda? It’s all very convoluted and extremely exhausting. There’s a reason this sort of game is usually played by the young – the rest of us are too old for this shit. There is also a wedding for a cousin that involves some sort of arranged marriage?

At the Inn, Lorelai tells Sookie about how floppy haircuts make her do things she hates, like fishing and eating broccoli and listening to her mother. Sookie tells her that Jackson’s tugboat captain hats make her talk about liking frogs so now she has a frog collection she’ll never get rid of. This will haunt her one day when she has her own garage full of crap and flat frogs. Is Sookie’s “love” of frogs reference to the racist WB Frog? I think they were still using it in 2002.

Back at Chilton, Paris tries to impeach Rory because Paris is a fucking lunatic who can’t manage her own emotions. I really hate this whole plot line.

Luke gets a visit from Taylor’s lawyer. She’s pretty and seems to like Luke. Even Broody points it out. Luke gets all, well, Luke about it but Broody is right. Luke’s a monk! And he doesn’t have to be if he doesn’t want to be. He’s an acceptable-looking guy with a great shoulder-to-hip ratio, he owns his own business, and he seems to have his head screwed on straight (short temper for anything involving Taylor excepted.)

Later, Rory brings Lorelai books on fishing. Rory is adorable. She’s thinking like all true dorks think – you can learn anything from a book! Except you can’t. Luke is all, “…uh…no. How about I teach you how to fish because I love you?”

Paris and Rory get called into the headmaster’s office because Paris sees things in black and white and does not understand grey areas. And Rory is a moron for even toying with the idea of making alliances with Poof Girl. Has reality TV taught her nothing?

The headmaster thinks they’re arguing about a boy and Paris calls him a sexist.

Up top, Paris. You tell that asshole.

The headmaster threatens to rescind his recommendation letters to Harvard for both girls, but I don’t think that’s a thing? Paris doesn’t feel bad about the flight and Rory is left to feel shitty all on her own.

Luke shows up at Lorelai’s house and tries to teach her to fish using a kiddie pool with actual fish in it. Poor fishy. Luke pries a little and Lorelai admits that she’s trying to learn to fish because she wants to hang out with Billy Burke. Luke tries not to look sad but he fails. Poor Luke. He’s trying to be a good friend while dealing with his romantic feelings for Lorelai and it’s not working very well.

I don’t believe in “the Friend Zone” because it’s always invoked by Nice Guys bitching about how girls are SO TERRIBLE by not exchanging NiceFriendship Tokens for Sexual Favors, as if their fake attempts at friendship should be rewarded in some way? (“Nice” is literally the lowest baseline of behavior we as a society have. We expect 3-year-olds to be “nice” to each other on the playground. Why the fuck should the bare minimum of behavior that we expect children to meet = varsity-level relationship interactions?) But Luke is definitely in a holding pattern with Lorelai. And the only person keeping him there is him – he’s never made a move, he just drifts along being “nice” and hoping that one day Lorelai will want to date him without him having to put in any effort whatsoever. He needs to either make a move or move on. And I say this as someone who was absolutely a female Nice Guy back in my younger days. It doesn’t lead anywhere. Abandon ship, Luke!

Oh hey! There’s a wedding in this episode! Rory and Lane have to do the bride’s makeup but do a “no makeup makeup” thing so Mrs. Kim can’t tell she’s wearing anything. The woman is marrying a stranger, let her have a little lipstick. Rory says that she’s really happy for Lane and Argyle Dave, and Lane does that thing where she says she’s happy for Rory and Broody because it’s awkward to be all, “I hate your dumb boyfriend.” Rory says that it’s ok if she doesn’t like Broody. And it is. Broody isn’t quantifiably terrible or anything – it’s not like he’s physically abusive or forcing her into drugs or whatever. But he’s still a 17-year-old boy who doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing and is dealing with a lot of family problems (absent dad, mom kicked him out). I still don’t think that gives him license to be a dick, but.

At the diner, Luke sees the Lawyer Lady talking to Taylor outside. He finally decides to stop mooning over Lorelai and he asks out the Lawyer Lady. She says yes. Even Broody approves and he gives Luke a grin. Not a smile! Oh no, Broody doesn’t smile! But a grin. Good start, kid.

After the wedding, Mrs. Kim introduces Kim to Young Chui. He’s the boy that will take Lane to the prom. Lane tries to make a case for Argyle Dave, but she can’t convince Mrs. Kim. Argyle Dave isn’t Korean.

Thanks for playing, Argyle Dave.

When Rory arrives home she discovers that Lorelai has managed to catch a fish – a fish she’s now keeping in the bathtub. How did she get it home? Why didn’t she release it back into the lake? Did she just leave it in a bucket while she went to the spa? Truly, these are the great philosophical questions of our time.

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