Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 3, Episode 14 “Swan Song”

It’s Friday Night Dinner at Judgy WASP Mom’s house and she’s making it very clear that she hates her mother-in-law, who has had quite the run as one of Satan’s wives. She then changes the subject to Rory’s new boyfriend. She wants to meet him. She wants Rory to bring Broody, the guy who couldn’t fathom participating in a town event, the guy who doesn’t think he needs to try now that he and Rory are together, to her house for dinner.

I can’t wait for her to eat him alive.

My mother is a lot like Judgy WASP Mom. If I brought over a Broody in my teen years (and I did on occasion) she would make no secret that his behavior would not tolerated in her house before throwing him out on his ass. My mom gives no fucks.

At home, the girls “coordinate schedules” so they can see each other or something. There are a lot of post-its and rulers and highlighters involved, it’s like if you walked through the remnants of a Staples after it blew up. Rory confirms that she’s going to try to bring Broody to dinner on Friday. Heh. Hehehehehe. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. What a god damned clusterfuck that’s going to be.

Rory shows Broody a copy of the book The Holy Barbarians by Lawrence Lipton. He loves it and of course he does – it’s a book about the beat generation and their anti-authoritarian/fuck society & social conventions attitude. DEEP SHIT, MAN. LIFE IS BULLSHIT AND ONLY THOSE OF US WHO ARE FUCKING IN TUNE CAN SEE THROUGH IT ALL!

Rory then drops the “come meet my grandmother” bomb. Broody says no, which, in this case, is the smart thing to do. It’s not a good boyfriend thing to do, but it’s an “I don’t want Emily Gilmore to kill me” thing to do. Rory gives him the book and a kiss which makes him stop thinking about self-preservation and start thinking about parking his dick places and he agrees. Part of me is giddy with joy to see just how bad this whole thing is going to be while the other part would like to warn Broody and tell him not to go.

As Broody leaves, Rory is pulled in to Miss Patty’s one-woman show dress rehearsal. Floppy is there rocking some sort of proto-Wolverine-in-a-boy-band thing.

Nice hair, bub.

Nice hair, bub.

If Floppy were in a boy band, which one would he be in? Not Backstreet or ‘N Sync, they were too popular. Definitely not LFO, whose songs were just audio recordings of roofies being dissolved in overly fruity drinks. No, he’d be in something no one remembers like 5ive or BBMak. Or worse: O-Town.

If Broody were in a boy band? He’d be a more bookish AJ from the Backstreet Boys.

This hat means I FEEL

Later, Lorelai is making out so hard with Billy Burke that it makes noises loud enough to be heard over a television. I blame Billy Burke. The man looks like a slurper. He’s invited Lorelai to New York for the weekend, meaning that Rory will have to take Broody to Friday Night Dinner alone. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA. This just keeps getting worse. Rory is all, “It’ll be fine!” because she’s terribly naive and still believes that people are inherently good. To disavow this notion, Broody calls with a hair across his ass over Floppy and Rory watching Miss Patty’s live sex show together. He should be more upset that he missed the show. To his credit, he doesn’t freak out too badly and lets it go.

The next day, Lorelai spills the beans over Lane and Dave dating but their band mates are as smart as wet cardboard so they don’t realize what happened. I’m more interested in Lorelai’s shirt in this scene because it kind of looks like she’s wearing a shirt with her own face on in.

Screen shot 2015-07-26 at 3.00.20 PM

Lorelai goes to Luke’s for coffee and she mentions that she needs more clothes. Luke basically recites her entire wardrobe off the top of his head and it’s really fucking creepy. Nothing says “One day you will wake to find me standing over you holding an ax” like a casual friend describing your whole fucking closet from memory.

Luke mentions that he’s seen a lot of Broadway shows lately because of Pretty Lawyer. He also mentions he has a book of walking tours she can borrow for her trip if she wants, leading Lorelai to walk in on some hard Rory/Broody making out. When Lorelai asks Luke about it he tells her that he goes up every 10 minutes to interrupt their smooching, which Lorelai reminds him is plenty of fucking time for teenagers to fuck. They could probably fuck three times in 10 minutes! Broody is a teenage boy, he doesn’t need the downtime a guy Luke’s age needs before going in for round two.

Instead of having the “hey, we should have gotten you on birth control the day you started dating Floppy but better late than never and here is a semi truck full of condoms” conversation, Lorelai hints that Rory should just stay at her grandparents house instead of letting Broody drive her home. Rory says she’s not ready for “that” and Lorelai is ok with that…but there is still no birth control discussion. When is that going to happen? That should have happened in season 1. Droppin’ the ball, Gilmore!

Broody is late for Friday Night Dinner and when he finally shows up, he does it with a black eye, lest the show allow us to forget that Broody = BAD BOY. Instead of ignoring the black eye, Rory keeps asking him how he got it, even after he told her flat out he didn’t want to talk about it. Not cool, Rory. Just get through dinner and then talk to him about it. Then she jumps to the conclusion that this somehow involved Floppy, which, UGH. Jesus, Rory. For a smart girl you really are dumb. They fight, Broody leaves. The whole thing is a disaster but not for the reasons I thought it would be.

I assumed that Broody would show up being Broody, snarking on everything and being a sarcastic butt. This would (understandably) upset Judgy WASP Mom, who would then lose her shit on him. What I did not expect was Rory escalating a situation that didn’t need to be escalated. Because he did show up to dinner. He did try to talk to Judgy WASP Mom. Granted, he started acting like a jerk because he was mad at Rory, which isn’t exactly a great quality but it’s to be expected from moody teenagers.

Oh shit. Am I…on Broody’s side here?

The next morning, Lorelai calls Rory to tell her about her great night in New York. They hated the musical, they ate pizza, they wrote a musical, and then they enacted this John Mulaney bit with Dean Martin instead of Tom Jones.

Rory fills Lorelai in on all the gory details of the night before and then Lorelai asks to speak to Judgy WASP Mom. She thanks her for being so gracious about the whole thing, which is a dumb thing to do because it’s Judgy WASP Mom. Judgy WASP Mom then LOSES. HER. SHIT. See, I knew she would react that way to Broody. She hated his attitude and wanted to slap him across the face. At this moment, we are all Judgy WASP Mom.

Rory goes to the market and asks Floppy if he punched Broody. Floppy says no, but says that he’d like to tenderly kiss away all Broody’s pain beat Broody senseless.

Luke thinks Floppy punched him, too. After some “I don’t want to talk about it because I’m TOUGH,” Luke gets the story out of him. A swan did it. It attacked him when he was walking by. Swans are mean as fuck so this is completely feasible. What isn’t feasible is why he didn’t turn this into a funny anecdote about the dangers of nature. Nature is out to kill all of us. Nature is terrible. Nature delights in human pain!! EVEN OUR SALADS ARE TRYING TO KILL US!

We all understand, Broody! Why hide it? Why act all “I don’t want to talk about it” about it? It’s a SWAN. And it attacked you! MILK THAT SHIT FOR COMEDY, BROODY. And warn others. We must band together to destroy nature before it destroys us.

We’re coming for you, nature! 

The most frustrating thing about this event is that the whole fight with Rory didn’t have to happen. Rory jumped to conclusions and overstepped, but had Broody told a quippy story about a murderous swan, the dinner could have been a disaster in other ways. I wish Broody would stop with this tough guy bullshit. It’s exhausting.

Luke basically tells him the same thing in the next scene. You date someone you have to at least TRY to get along with their family. You have to tell the person you’re dating where you got that black eye you didn’t have yesterday. You can’t avoid calls and conflict. And you can’t be jealous of Floppy, especially because you have better hair than Floppy. I feel for Broody as a person – he’s had a rough go and that’s hard on anyone, especially a young kid. But I cannot support him as a boyfriend for anyone. It may play as romantic on TV to be the one who gets through to him and makes him “change” – but in real life, it’s not romantic. It’s not romantic to have your own feelings completely disregarded just because he’s too wrapped up in his own self-loathing and fear to see how his behavior affects other people. It’s not romantic to have to chase some guy who is supposed to care about you because he’s too scared of conflict to answer the phone. Drama does not equal love. TV and movies tell us otherwise, but a real relationship is one where both parties are willing to communicate and be vulnerable, even if that means feeling exposed. So, sail on, Broody/Rory fandom, I am content to miss that ship.

Lorelai gets home and wants dinner, which Rory gets from Al’s Pancake World. Broody stops Rory outside Luke’s and they “make up” but not really because Broody talks a big game about honesty and then lies to her about how he got his black eye. His comedic instincts are shit. It could have been a hilarious joke between them but he didn’t go for it. SMH.

Rory then goes home to tell Lorelai that she’s thinking about taking a ride on the Broody Express. Lorelai still doesn’t bring up birth control. My mother never spoke to me about sex, not even on my wedding day. Of course, she would have had to pretend that I hadn’t lived with my now-husband for 3 years. Ugh. Awkward.

I’m going to have to go back to my first reviews to find out when I guessed on the “Rory Loses Her Virginity” season.

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