Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 3, Episode 15 “Face-Off”

We begin this episode with Taylor being Taylor. He’s planning a family reunion and driving Lorelai so insane she forces Rory to pretend to be ill so she can escape. I hope every person in Taylor’s family is played by the actor who plays Taylor – even the children. And they all have beards. And they’re all cute for like a minute and then you just get disgusted, which then turns to terror. It’s like watching the minions.

At Friday Night Dinner, Judgy WASP Mom is dealing with the demands of Terrible Grandmother and the girls are eating like they’re in the July 4th Hotdog Eating Contest at Coney Island. They’re eating fast because they both have dates. Billy Burke is still hanging around? I thought he had a date with some sparkly vampires.

Speaking of terrible teenage relationships – Rory is supposed to be meeting Broody. Guess who hasn’t called? Yep. And he doesn’t call, even though he said he would. Look, I know that there are a million Rory/Broody shippers out there but guys – this is bullshit behavior.

The next day, Lorelai asks if Rory ever bothered to call Broody. She says no. Now, even though it’s bullshit that Broody didn’t call, maybe he didn’t call because something terrible happened to him – he was hit by a bus, he was mauled by TWO geese, he used too much hair gel and his skull caved in. All possible! I’m surprised Rory didn’t think to be worried but I guess this goes back to last episode – she doesn’t trust Broody. She doesn’t believe him. And she isn’t really that shocked when he flakes out. Which begs the question of why she’s with him. If you can’t trust him to call when he says he will, why is she contemplating trusting him with her body? (Answer – she’s 17 and we are all morons at 17.)

The girls go to Luke’s and Broody is either busy or stupid because he doesn’t seem to remember that he was supposed to call his girlfriend last night. Luke is irritated because there are a bunch of people in his diner that like a sport. He also had his hair cut recently and you can actually see his neck. Rory orders muffins and Luke and Broody are so good at running the diner they’re already bagged before she ordered! MAGIC DINER!!! She takes her muffins (all of them – including her love muffin) and peaces the fuck out. Broody is all, “DUH?????” and Lorelai has to draw him a fucking picture in crayon to get him to understand that Rory is pissed.

Back at home, Lane’s band is practicing hymns for Mrs. Kim’s prayer meeting. The two guys who aren’t Argyle Dave call the hymn “gay”, reminding all of us that was something that actually used to happen in the early 2000s. They’re playing Mrs. Kim’s prayer group but Lane won’t be there – she’ll be out with that guy Mrs. Kim introduced her to at the wedding.

Taylor’s family shows up at the Inn and I am devastated that they do not all look like him. They even think he’s full of crap! NOOOO!!! I need a whole fucked up townie family in order for me to feel real feelings again!!

Judgy WASP Mom is there and she fucking Mulans her entrance.

She asks if she can book her next DAR luncheon, but that’s not really why she’s here. Terrible Grandmother has kicked her out of the house and sent her on insane errands – new glasses, new towels, etc. Emily – Don’t do it. Don’t do any of it. Fuck it, what is she going to do, treat you like shit?

Judgy WASP Mom is also upset because Spacey Grandpa has been traveling a lot. Now that he’s home, he’s doting on that monster that birthed him instead of paying attention to his wife. Poor Judgy WASP Mom. I actually feel bad for her.

Rory is sitting by the phone waiting for Broody to call when Lorelai calls to check her messages. She gives Rory a pep talk and tells her that she doesn’t want to be the kind of girl who gets mad in her head and then lets it go when he calls. YES. Sound advice. 10/10 perfect parenting, Lorelai. Have a trophy.

Meanwhile, Judgy WASP Mom arrives home to find Terrible Grandmother kissing some old Italian man. I say he’s an old Italian man because he’s wearing a fucking track suit like he’s a reject from The Sopranos. I’d rail against this stereotype if I didn’t have family members walking around like they’re just waiting for Scorsese to yell “action!”

At the hockey game, Babette and Miss Patty sing the nation anthem. I would watch an entire Broadway production featuring these two singing standards. You give me that and I will give you money. All the money.

Rory crashes Lane’s date but that’s ok because no one cares about anyone who isn’t Argyle Dave.

Kirk announces the game that Floppy is playing in? Floppy plays sports? And hockey? I thought all he did was sit in his room and cry about Rory and his dick and Taylor but maybe not in that order. Rory has an awkward conversation with some Britney Spears circa 1999 chick and Argyle Dave proves that he should be on the track team by running over a mile just to make sure Lane isn’t sucking on Fake Boyfriend’s cellphone.

Lorelai is just about to leave to go to Judgy WASP Mom’s house when Broody shows up at the door. He’s all, “I don’t have to live by a schedule because rules are for sheeple, man. That’s why I don’t call my girlfriend – I CAN’T BE TAMED!!!” Lorelai just rolls her eyes and throws a marshmallow at his head.

Back at the game, Rory watches Floppy kiss Britney Spears circa 1999. Oh. I see. Good for you, Flops. Move on and get some from Britney.

Lorelai gets roped in to hanging out with Terrible Grandmother and the other members of her goth band.

Ladies and gentlemen, The Sisters of Mercy!!

Ladies and gentlemen, The Sisters of Mercy!!

Judgy WASP Mom can’t take the abuse and tells everyone about Terrible Grandmother’s gentleman caller. Part of me feels bad. The other part is giggling with glee.

Rory talks to Floppy after the game. He is gigantic in his skates and is suddenly the nicest, most understanding person ever, which doesn’t make any sense. He was a whiny butt when Rory didn’t immediately say “I love you”, then he was dumb as shit when the show needed us to be on Team Broody, and now he’s some sort of saint because we need to understand that Broody is a nutsack. I wish this show would make up its mind. Either Floppy is a good guy with a halo or he’s a fucking Neanderthal who can barely read, but he can’t be both.

Rory runs to the pay phone and leaves Broody a message detailing how she won’t tolerate his bullshit anymore. But when she walks out, there he is sitting on the hood of his car offering to take her to a concert. She doesn’t say anything, she just lets it go and tells him not to listen to the message she left. 17-year-olds are so fucking dumb. She had a point! he needs to step up! But she let him off the hook because he’s cute and she’s young.

Judgy WASP Mom has to clean up the mess she caused with Terrible Grandmother, but I don’t care. Blah blah blah, feelings and loneliness, etc etc etc.

We end with Rory in her room having a reflective think about the men in her life. Whatever. They’re not forever boyfriends so don’t lose too much sleep over it.

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