Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 3, Episode 16 “The Big One”

By the title, this episode is either about an earthquake or a penis. Or both. It could be about a guy with a big penis named Earthquake. Or about Big Dick Richie experiencing an earthquake.

The most important gif

Alas, this episode starts with the girls waiting for Kirk to sort all the mail while standing at their mailbox so we know the big dick is out. Rory’s acceptance letter to Harvard could be in his bag, but I find her academic accomplishments far less interesting than the man who works at every store in town and still has the time to adopt a cat and name it after himself. (Cat Kirk for president.)

Luke has gotten a new salad-heavy menu on the advice of his girlfriend, Pretty Lawyer. Season One Luke was such a “I can’t believe you’re putting that crap in your body, I don’t eat carbs/gluten/anything with chemicals so I literally eat nothing because even fucking water is a chemical compound” guy, I’m surprised there weren’t more salads before this.  Lorelai busts his balls over the menus because Lorelai has an insatiable need to make everyone’s (who isn’t Rory) life a nightmare from which they cannot wake.

At Chilton, there’s  a bicentennial speech contest designed to make overachievers like Rory and Paris jizz their skirts. I’m glad I never tried to do anything, it’s too much effort.

C-Span will be broadcasting the Chilton event live. Let me repeat that – C-Span, the network devoted to broadcasting our nation’s riveting political process, is going to tear itself away from the halls of Congress to broadcast a bunch of rich children talking about why their rich school is so fucking great.

Paris signs up after yelling at Rory and that kid that she tormented so much he had to go act on Broadway to feel better. Paris needs meds. I’m surprised her parents haven’t pushed them on her – doping her up on pills is easier than showing their daughter any sort of love or encouragement.

At the Inn, Sookie is having a meltdown because people have dared to send her food back. Lorelai asks if there’s actually anything wrong with the food and Sookie says no…except there is. Her food tastes like a cow threw up on a salt lick. Maybe she’s having an off day or she’s sick. I’m sure we’ll find out later because the show then follows Lorelai and Rory into the lobby so Rory can tell Lorelai about the speech thing. Then it dawns on Lorelai that Sookie is pregnant. There is much celebrating and jumping. Is that the norm? I’ve never been pregnant but I’ve never jumped up and down to a friend’s announcement, either. Did I miss out on a crucial moment in a woman’s life by keeping my feet firmly on the ground?

I’m so happy!! 

To no one’s surprise, Paris is being a dick to everyone to make them do poorly on their speeches. At home, Sookie calls Lorelai to tell her that Jackson is not happy about the baby. Even though he wanted four kids in four years, suddenly he’s freaked out about how much a baby will cost. Babies are tiny little money pits that poop.

On her way to Friday Night Dinner, Lorelai stops at a CVS in Hartford to pick up some allergy meds. She turns the corner and runs into…DISCOUNT BRAFF???????????

He was teaching at Stanford, his class ended, and he came back for the Chilton bicentennial. Why? WHY??? OH GOD WHY???? Did we need him again? THEY HAVE NO CHEMISTRY. AT ALL. AND WE’RE SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE THEY LIKE EACH OTHER. NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO.

At dinner, Judgy WASP Mom is MIA because all of her old lady friends have had strokes. The news of Terrible Grandmother’s affair with a betracksuited man must have done them all in.  After, Lorelai goes to Sookie’s and they talk about Sookie’s baby. Sookie asks for Lorelai’s pregnancy journal, but Lorelai says it’s all about Tears for Fears. I fucking love Tears for Fears. I went to see them a few months ago and they were fucking fantastic. Seriously, if you get a chance, go.

I’d spend more time here talking about Jackson’s ridiculous reaction to Sookie’s pregnancy, but we all know he’s going to come around in the end so this is all pointless. Instead, enjoy my favorite Tears for Fears song:

My husband and I went to the “Old People Still Like Concerts?” concert put on by a local radio station to see Tears for Fears. Yes, I was as surprised as you to learn that radio stations are still a thing in 2015. Another band at the concert that was surprisingly great live? Bush. You remember Bush, right? Gwen Stefani’s husband’s band? They were great.

Bands that were there and not so great – Everclear and Lit.

Cake was there, too. The lead singer is basically a walking conspiracy theory message board. Let me tell you, you have not live until a 50-year-old man tells you his guitar sounds weird because your phone’s wi-fi capabilities are interfering with the speakers…even though the sound issues only happened during his set and not any of the other sets.

Back on the show, the headmaster calls both Paris and Rory to tell them that he’s decided to combine their speeches into one and then they get to present it together. This is such a TV construct because it would never happen in real life but we need these characters to make up!! And we really need to do it now because we have to have Paris tell Rory that she got some dick from her older boyfriend.

Paris is very Paris about the whole thing – she wants to debate the pros and cons of the event, from what she was wearing to the conversation she was having beforehand so she can reach a logical conclusion about what happened. Paris – you had sex. That’s all that happened. TV and movies always make losing your virginity some crazy earth-shattering experience, but it’s not. It’s really, really not. You’re still you after you knock boots for the first time. Getting some dick does not fundamentally change who you are as a person. If you hated strawberry jelly and loved My Little Pony before getting nailed, you will hate strawberry jelly and love My Little Pony after. This is why we as a culture need to get away from this virginity worship stuff – it’s not as big of a deal as everyone makes it out to be. You are still you. You are not damaged or broken or more cool or more grown up after. That’s not to say you should just do it whenever. You should wait to do it until you’re ready, which usually means you need to be emotionally ready for sex (read: older. Late teens or older.)

Lorelai arrives home to catch most of the conversation and to overhear that Rory is still a virgin. They still haven’t talked about birth control. Lorelai comes around back so the girls don’t know she heard them. She offers pizza, hugs Rory, and gloats that she has “the good kid.” Bullshit. Rory’s a good kid but Paris having sex with her boyfriend doesn’t make her not good. Lorelai more than anyone should know that.

At the Chilton thing, Lorelai runs into Discount Braff. BOOOOOOOO. BOO to all this. BOOO-URNS!!

Paris is late to the speech and when she finally shows up she looks like she was dragged down the street by a herd of disgruntled goats. At the podium, she doesn’t speak. She glares at the camera and lets Rory do it all. When she finally speaks, she’s angry. She didn’t get into Harvard.

Oh, Paris. Honey. Come here.

She starts talking about how she’s being punished because she had sex (thank you, sex-negative culture that teaches that sex is wrong and dirty!!) and then says that since Rory hasn’t had sex she’ll get to go to Harvard.

Backstage, Rory tries to comfort her and maybe succeeds?

Lorelai goes to get her coat and runs into Discount Braff…you know, I don’t care. I DON’T FUCKING CARE. This is a god damned guest spot for him so I’m not going to get embroiled in the bullshit. Instead, here’s a picture of Pluto:

Most of the time, I can accept my own mortality. I understand that I will die one day and I’m ok with it – I mean, there really isn’t an alternative. But something that makes me wish I had forever is the knowledge that scientists will continue to explore space and bring back pictures like this well after I’m gone. How much do you think Galileo would be shitting himself right now if he were alive to learn that Pluto and Charon are tidally locked? That they exist in a dwarf planet binary system? How fucking cool is that??

Back at Sookie’s, Jackson finally tells Sookie that he’s happy about the baby. I knew this would work itself out. Now if only I could invent an immortality serum that would allow me to live forever so I don’t miss out on neat space stuff.

At home, Lorelai opens the mailbox to find the “big envelope”. That’s the one that tells Rory she’s been accepted to Harvard. She received two other big envelopes, meaning she got into all the schools she applied to. Good thing Rory never had that pesky sex, since we all know that no non-virgin has ever gone to college. That’s a STONE COLD FACT, BITCHES!

Sadly, there is not an earthquake or a big dick (unless you count the sad walking boner that is Discount Braff) in this episode.

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