Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 3, Episode 19 “Keg! Max!”

The girls begin this episode dealing with the grandparent fallout from last episode. They’re home and bored on a Friday night, while Judgy WASP Mom and Spacey Grandpa are “partying.” The girls act like they’re missing something but you know if Lorelai had been invited she’d be making snide remarks about how she doesn’t want to spend her Friday night talking to Muffy and Sterling about their annuity.

The Elder Gilmores’ party is just a bunch of rich people singing songs around the piano like its Downton Abbey and there is no electricity or TV yet so people had to talk to each other for entertainment. Or like that episode of Archer where everyone pretended to be the wealthy attendees of Mallory’s dinner party so she wouldn’t get busted for killing a dude in a really kinky sex game.

There are probably fewer butt plugs involved at Richard & Emily’s party.

Lorelai is playing “creepy photographer” at Luke’s when Rory walks in to tell her that Chilton will cut off her fingers one by one and mail them to all the schools she was accepted to if Lorelai doesn’t participate in their end of the year activities. Lorelai tells Rory she better learn to type using her tongue because participating in things is both stupid and dumb. Or maybe none of that happens except for the basic concept and, in general, everything I write is a mournful yowl for attention that goes unanswered.

Lorelai then takes a picture of Luke and makes fun of him for looking like shit. Not only is this cruel (not the “sorry, daughter, you don’t need fingers” thing, the “you look fug” thing) not everyone looks good when photographed by other people. For example, when I take a selfie, I look like this:

When someone else takes my picture, I look like this:

I think I just look bad in all light.

Somehow Rory has convinced Broody to watch Lane’s band practice. They are gig-rich but name-poor and they can’t decide what to call themselves. Harry and the Potters? No. I wonder if the writers knew that there is a band named Harry and the Potters and they are considered one of the founders of “wizard rock” – bands that play funny songs about the Harry Potter-verse. I’d crack wise about that but god knows I’ve written my share of questionable/smutty fanfic set in the Batman/DC universe…

I kind of like “Follow Us To The Edge of the Desert” but it’s pretentious as fuck and just the kind of name annoying kids who think they’re deep come up with.

Before saying goodbye, Broody promises Rory he’ll take her to prom and wear a tux. Who the fuck is this kid and what did he do with Broody? Broody should be bitching about how dances are for losers and how he’s just not a “dance guy” while name dropping all the overly masculine literary characters who picked opium over stupid shit like dancing.

At the Inn, Sookie and Lorelai sexually harass Luke and Luke’s butt. They are lucky that Lorelai is HR and wouldn’t take a sexual harassment complaint about her seriously (though she should. She really, really should.) She offers Luke and Pretty Lawyer a room at the Inn so they don’t have to do some early morning driving on their way to skiing, and Michele adopts two puppies. Didn’t he admit to killing a puppy before? Am I imagining that?

At the Volunteer or Die meeting at Chilton, all the women sound like they’re lobotomized robots programmed to spout randomly generated words. And, of course, fucking Discount Braff borings his way into the scene. He’s the “faculty sponsor”. HOW FUCKING CONVENIENT. At this point, I have a very short list of things I care about more than Discount Braff and Lorelai. It is, in its entirety:

Things I Care About More than Discount Braff and Lorelai
1. Everything

That’s it. That’s the list.

In the next scene, Lorelai complains to Sookie about how Discount Braff ignored her during the meeting. Basically, he acted like a professional and didn’t show any favoritism to her and that, to Lorelai, is AWFUL. However, who can hear them over the sound of these outfits:

Screen shot 2015-08-17 at 8.37.20 PM

Wow, guys. Just wow.

Sookie tries to convince Lorelai that she just imagined the previous Discount Braff kiss because Sookie is as over him as the rest of us. Lorelai refuses to take the hint and keeps talking about a guy who won’t be here by the end of the season.

At public school (aka Jail for Children), Broody tries to buy prom tickets and gets sent to the principal’s office. He’s flunked out of school and is somehow surprised by this. Attendance requirements are a thing, Broody! He’s blown off meetings with his guidance counselor and with the principal, yet he still has the gall to act offended when he doesn’t effortlessly graduate. He’s a victim of his own hubris – he knows he’s smart, yet he thought that would have been enough. Sorry, Broody, it’s not. Should it be? Probably. But 75% of school is to learn how to get along in a structured environment because that’s key to surviving any cubicle farm, and Broody didn’t play the game. I feel for him, I do, but until there is a better way even us introverted loner outcasts have to figure out how to navigate the system.

Rory and Broody go help Lane’s band set up for the party – and by “set up” I mean “stand and watch.” Then this fucking guy walks in and starts screaming about beer and being 21.

Good job, day player bro. I hope this role earned you your SAG card.

Good job, day player bro. I hope this role earned you your SAG card.

Broody broods around the party and at this point I’m not sure why they bother to give him actual dialogue. Just make him do the sarcastic version of this:

At the Inn, Lorelai is providing turn down service for Luke, who has never looked more “the director thought this looked good” in his life.

"If I say this isn't comfortable do I still get paid?"

“If I say this isn’t comfortable do I still get paid?”

This whole scene is horribly awkward and overly long. At least Discount Braff isn’t in it?

At the party, Lane and Argyle Dave fight in front of a cat tree with Donald Trump’s toupee perched atop it.

Screen shot 2015-08-17 at 9.39.37 PM

Broody wants to leave and Rory doesn’t. He says the most me thing he could possibly say – “I don’t want to talk to anybody else. I don’t LIKE anybody else.” RIGHT? I don’t like people, either, mostly because I have serious social anxiety. I know better than to be an asshole to everyone (:cough: take a hint, BROODY) but I get seriously freaked out on the way to and during any social event. I’ve actually canceled going to events that I PAID TO GO TO because I got so freaked out about having to be around people. I usually default to hiding in a corner and staring at my phone after making awkward small talk with people I don’t know. What Broody & Rory need is a plan. This is what my husband and I have – we work out a predetermined amount of time that I think I can last without completely retreating inward. We go to the event for that amount of time and then reassess at the end of the allotted time. Do we still want to stay? Is it time to go? It makes it easier for me because I can say to myself, “We’re here for 90 minutes” instead of “OMG…WHEN WILL THIS BE OVER??? IT WILL NEVER BE OVER. OH GOD PLEASE MAKE THIS END…:curls into ball, cries:” Think about it, Broody. It helps. (Of course you have to COMMUNICATE with your partner in order for it to work…)

Lane gets drunk because Argyle Dave is over Lane’s fake boyfriend. Broody gets mad because Floppy is at the party with Britney Spears circa 1999 and they mention that he hasn’t been to school in forever. Lorelai is at Chilton where Paris is writing reports about all the people who died at sea when a new faculty advisor walks in. Lorelai, of course, goes right for Discount Braff’s classroom.

Discount Braff tries to tell Lorelai that he needs her to stay the fuck away from him and she doesn’t listen. What the hell, Lorelai? Totally uncool. I find Discount Braff boring as fuck, but you don’t get to ignore his explicit instructions to STAY AWAY FROM HIM. Bodily autonomy isn’t just for women – if a guy says “don’t touch me” or “don’t come too close” YOU LISTEN. No boundaries on this show. NONE.

Rory can’t find Broody so she goes upstairs. He’s holed up in the bedroom being sad and already this is a bad scene. Teenage boy. Unsupervised party. Bedroom. Teenage girl. Rory tries to get Broody to tell her what’s wrong with him and instead of being honest he’s all “YOU WILL BE MY PENIS SLEEVE!” They kiss, they get on the bed, he undoes her pants, she tells him to stop several times before he finally does. Broody needs a good lesson in consent (you stop the FIRST time she asks) but he’s not the only guy out there who does.

Rory’s all, “WHAT THE FUCK DUDE I SAID NO!” And Broody is all “WALKING INTO THIS BEDROOM EQUALS CONSENT! WHAT, DO YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME LIKE A GIRLFRIEND DOES WITH HER BOYFRIEND? NO, IT IS ONLY SEX! WORSHIP MY PENIS!!!!!!!!!” Jesus Christ, Broody. What the fuck is wrong with you? Let’s just say this real slow for the people in the back – drinking does not equal consent. Wearing a short skirt does not equal consent. Flirting does not equal consent. Kissing does not equal consent. Walking into a bedroom at a party does not equal consent. Etc., etc….

Rory starts crying and she runs down the stairs. Floppy stops her. Broody is all “UHHHHHHHHHHHHH” and Floppy loses his shit. He runs after Broody and they fight. Like, a full on, punching each other, throwing each other into shit FIGHT. This fight is very well choreographed.

They make their way outside and the cops show up. (Is it safe to assume that Kirk is a cop? he has to be, right?) Broody, of course, walks away wordlessly because that’s what BAD BOYS do. Floppy, I assume, flops off.

Jesus, Broody. And don’t think Floppy is off the hook. They both need to be better people. And so does fucking LORELAI. All of you – DO BETTER.


3 thoughts on “Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 3, Episode 19 “Keg! Max!”

  1. Oh my gosh, thank God I’ve found you. I’m re-watching GG and NEED reviews to read as I go along and the AV club only covered seasons 1-3 and they’re rubbish reviews anyway. THANK YOU.

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