We begin this episode with the girls returning from their European vacation. There isn’t any official footage of their vacation, but I was fortunate enough to find an exclusive clip of Rory and Lorelai in Greece. The syncing is a little off, but it’s fascinating insight into their characters. It really goes a long way to explain why Lorelai is who she is:
Seriously, The Chipmunk Adventure is one of my favorite movies from my childhood. If you have kids, if you know kids, if you ARE a kid – find this movie and watch the fuck out of it. (Please note that it is very “of its time” so the “Wooly Bully” scene is…something.) My sister and our friend watched this movie about once a day – to this day I can recite almost every line of this movie. Everything I learned in chemistry? The three years of Spanish I took in high school? Gone. This movie? Still. There. I’m gonna be 97, senile, and singing “Diamond Dolls” at the top of my decrepid lungs.
When the girls get home, Babette does that thing that people do when they’re really excited to see you and she takes over everything and insists on just existing in their exhausted, jet lagged space. It’s sweet, but, UGH. Go away. Talk tomorrow. Sleep now.
Lorelai is wearing a green “Everyone Loves an Irish Girl” shirt that she probably bought at an Urban Outfitters. How do I know? Because I used to have (actually still may have?) a red shirt exactly like that except it read “Everyone Loves an Italian Girl” and I bought it at Urban Outfitters. At that point in my life, it was the only item of clothing I owned that wasn’t black.
Rory has one week left before she has to start school so she & Lorelai have packed it full of “fun” activities. Fun is in quotes because had I just spent a summer stomping around Europe wearing a backpack nearly as tall as I am and sleeping on pillows reeking of feet, all I would do when I got home is seal myself inside of a cocoon of freshly-washed towels that smell of sunshine and sleep the sleep of the dead.
The girls head out to distribute all the gifts they bought for everyone (guys, for fuck’s sake – SEND POSTCARDS NEXT TIME.) Rory wants to stop at Luke’s and Lorelai starts wondering if he actually went on the cruise with Pretty Lawyer. Rory is all, “I hope he did, he seems to like her.” Lorelai is all, “Oh…yeah….uh, I hope all that stuff, too…LOOK A BIRD!”
The girls find Luke over acting (not overREacting, OVER ACTING) and screaming at Taylor because he’s put a window in the wall between the diner and the soda shoppe. Why? Unknown. Probably because this is a set and that’s where the camera goes and they needed to explain it away?
I bet all Lorelai is thinking how she wants to have sex with a man who trashes candy stores. Or about how she forgot to buy him something in Europe. Lorelai, I’ve been told men like vagina, you could always give him that. You know, if you’re out of ideas.
They go to see Sookie and she is adorably pregnant. You know, even though she looks great, for once I would like to see a woman on TV look like crap while pregnant. I have never been pregnant, and I probably never will be because I’m in my mid 30s (aka too old according to all women’s magazine) but I assume I wouldn’t look pregnant. I’d just look fat(ter). And I’d tell people I was pregnant and they’d go, “Are you sure???” And I sure as fuck wouldn’t glow. What’s the opposite of glowing, dimming? I would dim.
Jackson doesn’t want to know the sex of the baby but Sookie wants to tell Lorelai, so they go out to the shed where Sookie has hosed the whole thing down in blue frills. She really needs to start working again, she’s obviously bored.
Lorelai casually asks if Sookie thinks Luke went on his cruise. Sookie tells her that when he got back he was acting weirder than normal so she thinks the shit went down. Do you think Lorelai spent the whole European trip casually dropping Luke and his cruise into conversations? I do.
Lorelai goes to Luke and brings him fake French jam that she pulled out of Jackson’s jam reserves. It’s probably some fucked up flavor like Gooseberry Pickle or Garlic Mango or Plum. Before she gives him the gift, she tells him about how her and Rory took a train from London to Ireland to try to see Bono. Last I checked, Ireland is an island?
When Lorelai gives Luke the jam, he knows that it’s weird Jackson jam. Since he didn’t buy her anything on his cruise, it’s ok. He’s very elusive about what happened on the cruise, so we can only assume that Pretty Lawyer fell overboard and Luke is now the main suspect in her death. See, the cops don’t believe that she wanted to reenact that scene from Titanic where Kate Winslet tries to kill herself and Leonardo DiCaprio saves her even though she’s not a Victoria’s Secret model. They think Luke tossed her to the murderous grey whales so he could collect insurance money on that tandem bike they bought together (a foolish, foolish purchase as it is impossible to store without a garage.)
On the way back from Lane’s, Rory discovers that Taylor has dubbed her the “Ice Cream Queen” because Taylor is a disturbed person who is most likely on some government watch list. He acts like Rory is in the wrong for not wanting to show up, unpaid, and be his “Ice Cream Queen” (when he didn’t even ask her first), and she’s too young and nice to tell him to fuck himself and actually feels guilty. Rory, we need to work on your “I’m out of fucks to give” skills.
When they get home, Rory realizes that she’s screwed up her dates – she doesn’t have a week until school, she has two days. This screws up their plans and, apparently, Lorelai’s sense of style, because in the next scene she’s wearing a shirt that makes it look like she has kids balancing on her boobs.
They’ve done a lot of shopping but they still aren’t done. It makes you think – just the “setting up your dorm” part of college is a fucking racket. You have to buy all sorts of shit you don’t usually use, like extra long sheets and shower caddies and shower shoes just so you can exist in a room you paid far too much to live in but were forced to live in because if your school was anything like mine, it was mandatory for freshmen to live on campus. (And I went to a state school.)
Rory goes to Friday Night Dinner without Lorelai because Lorelai has to finish up all the damn errands for Rory. This pisses Judgy WASP Mom off (though she looks splendid in her pink suit.) I’m not sure why Rory doesn’t mention the actual reason for the errands to her. She then has to tell her grandparents that they didn’t look up any of the people they were supposed to, which just upsets Judgy WASP Mom even more. When Judgy WASP Mom is upset, she gets vengeful. She’s decided to have a “European” dinner that lasts for 4 hours, complete with cheese plate and coffee, and then she wants to watch ballroom dancing competitions that she taped off TV. I used to do that. Except it wasn’t ballroom dancing, it was The X-Files.
At home, Lorelai has roped Luke into helping Rory move into Yale. They’re loading up his truck when Lorelai brings up the cruise again. Finally, Luke tells her what happened. He proposed. She said yes. THEY GOT MARRIED????????????????? WHAT???? Lorelai’s face says it all:
WHAT? HOW? WHY?????
AND HE’S GETTING DIVORCED?
What the hell is happening right now? They got married, realized it was a terrible mistake, and now they’re getting divorced. Can’t you get an annulment in those situations? Isn’t that what Britney Spears did when she was married for 55 hours or something stupid to that guy no one had ever heard of? Is that reference more dated than my Chipmunk Adventure one?
And Lorelai is acting offended that Luke got married, like how dare he do something that doesn’t involve her. She should probably unpack that. Right after she makes the “you’re NOT gay!” joke. Ugh. I feel like I should apologize for her.
Rory calls Lorelai and begs to be saved from Judgy WASP Mom, so she runs over to the house. Judgy WASP Mom rips into her because that’s the only way these two can communicate. They yell at each other for a while, Lorelai loses her shit and laughs like a crazy person, and Judgy WASP Mom stirs an obviously empty cup of tea while looking annoyed.
Later, the girls watch dancing while Judgy WASP Mom snoozes in the chair. They got to have their biscotti night after all.
WOO! WELCOME TO SEASON 4!!!