Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 4, Episode 3 “The Hobbit, the Sofa and Digger Stiles”

It’s “Shopping Week” at Yale which sounds like a completely made up thing that only exists on television. I Googled – It’s not! It’s REAL!!

Rory’s picked over 50 classes to try out, which sounds ridiculous because according to that link, you have to keep up with the reading/homework for any of the classes you shop. (Also – what about prerequisites? Do those just exist for us poors?)

How much would it cost for textbooks for 50 Ivy League classes? With Lorelai buying Rory all the hip trendy things out of the Young & Hip catalogue, and Rory’s 8 trillion textbooks, it’s like the girls are rolling in money like 1980s Wall Street bankers.

MONEY FIGHT!!!!

In the great tradition of nerds, Rory is hella early for her first class. Lorelai teased her for this but I get it – I’m early to fucking everything. All the time. Sometimes up to an hour early. I don’t know why. EARLY PEOPLE UNITE!

She’s not the only one. Some dude wanders in who looks like a Younger Dave Anthony. If you don’t know who that is – Dave Anthony is a comedian who writes for/is on Maron on IFC and has a HILARIOUS podcast called The Dollop where he recounts crazy tales/people from American history to his friend, comedian Gary Gareth Reynolds. He’s also one of the co-founders of the Los Angeles Podcast Festival.)


Pictured – Dave Anthony

Rory almost starts talking to Younger Dave Anthony but is interrupted by an annoyed TA who practically throws the syllabus in her face. Freshman! Fucking showing up early to class and shit like responsible people. Assholes the lot of them.

Back in Stars Hollow, Lorelai and Sookie are signing all sorts of shit for the Dragonfly while Jackson does whatever the hell Jackson does when he’s not out forcing vegetables to fuck so they can create mutant vegetables. (Seriously, what does he do?) The Inn is going to be expensive and Melissa McCarthy looks lovely in this scene, even if she is wearing a weird keyhole neckline.

Screen shot 2015-09-04 at 4.33.25 PM

Sookie has the brilliant idea that her and Lorelai should start a catering company to make money just until the baby comes/the Inn is up and running. Getting a catering company off the ground sounds more complicated than getting the Inn running, but I do not live in Television Land where one can attend 50 classes in a week or hire one guy from the town to do all the jobs.

Lorelai is all, “uh…no?” but Sookie is all, “TOO BAD WE ALREADY HAVE A SUCKER CUSTOMER TO PAY US CASH MONEY!!!” And that’s how Lorelai and Sookie became caterers.

Rory returns to her dorm room to discover that she’s been reverse robbed – that’s where someone breaks into your house and leaves nicer versions of your crap where your ugly old shit used to be. The culprit is, of course, Judgy WASP Mom. Not only is she footing the bill for 4 years at an Ivy League school, she’s also spending a shit ton to outfit her granddaughter’s shared space with plasma TVs and high-end couches. It’s been scientifically proven that there are only three things that can ever occur on a college couch – bad sex, bong hits, and drunken passing out. That’s why futons were invented.

But let’s ignore all that to watch Alexis Bledel forget that her character is supposed to be carrying a hot beverage:

Screen shot 2015-09-04 at 4.43.39 PM

Rory tells Judgy WASP Mom that she’s worried that it’ll come off like the common room belongs to her. Judgy WASP Mom is all, “Well, duh. How else do you make people with less feel even worse about themselves if you aren’t shoving your wealth in their face 24/7?” I’d like to see Judgy WASP Mom’s face when she finds out just how many naked cocks are going to be pressed against those Ethan Allen couch cushions over the next four years. Status my balls.

When Rory tells Lorelai about the furniture, she isn’t surprised. She’s like, “Yeah, my mom has no boundaries. I wonder if that’s where I get it from?” and Rory doesn’t say anything because she’s watching a woman work out because that woman does not possess the Gilmore mutation of being immune to calories.

Paris doesn’t give a fuck about the new furniture – she’s too busy plotting how to get boys onto that couch so the cock-pressing can begin. The first party of the year is going to be on their floor and she can’t wait to lure people into their room, presumably so she can eat their souls/do her first bong hit. When Rory cock blocks the cocks, Paris gets upset and storms off to consciously craft or whatever the hell her life coach has her doing when she’s angry.

The next day, Lorelai and Sookie are planning some kid’s Lord of the Rings birthday party. Lane is helping, but only because Lane is living in a nightmare from which she cannot wake. People are praying for her because she chose to wear a bracelet to school. Bracelets, as we all know, are gateway accessories. One day it’s a bracelet, the next earrings, and before you know it you’re wearing Satan’s cock ring like a choker and listening to Marilyn Manson on repeat.

The phone rings and it’s Paris – she’s calling Lorelai to tell on Rory for cock blocking. Paris has no idea how to deal with other people. But Lorelai, who loves parties and supports sex on couches, takes Paris’s side and convinces Rory to open the door so people can hang out in their well-appointed room.

At the birthday party, a little girl tells Lorelai that all the boys are telling her that she can’t go on the cool dragon-slaying-evil-extinguishing journey because there were no girls in the movie (or books.) Instead of launching into a tirade about how representation matters for exactly this reason, Lorelai tells her that girls do more dangerous things like wear heels and get bikini waxes.

The "My character just said something so stupid I cannot keep a straight face" face.

The “My character just said something so stupid I cannot keep a straight face” face.

“Digger” shows up at Judgy WASP Mom’s house and I cannot for the life of me ever remember seeing him in anything else before this moment. But he’s got a good agent because his ass is in the opening credits!! He sits down with Spacey Grandpa. He wants to go into business with him because he wants to fuck his dad over. What a nice guy.

Back at the birthday party, Sookie doesn’t quite understand what it means to cater a child’s birthday party. At Yale, Paris is somehow enjoying the “party” (read: a bunch of extras standing in the hallway) and Rory is all, “No.” She thinks better of it and forces herself to mingle. Madeline and Louise show up because they’ve got enough money to travel around and go to college parties but not enough sense to say “fuck college parties, give me a fake ID” and hit Vegas or New York or LA.

Rory sees Younger Dave Anthony being awkward against a wall but before she can go talk to him she’s attacked by grown up versions of the twins from The Shining.

Judgy WASP Mom sent them. It’s like she wants Rory to be killed by an elevator full of blood and/or an alcoholic writer wielding an axe.

Paris realizes that this party is fucking stupid because the real fun is had off campus where you are less likely to be busted for drinking. She kicks everyone out, saving Rory from ghost-induced death (or whatever happens in The Shining. I don’t actually know if I’ve seen that movie all the way through?)

At the birthday party, Lorelai realizes that Sookie made a shit ton of food that kids will never eat. In fairness – I wouldn’t eat that burnt fish thing or the green mac & cheese, either. I’d eat the fuck out of that cake, though. Sookie doesn’t seem to understand why Lorelai is so horrified by the food and then she screams at a child for asking for a juice box, which is actually hilarious. Sookie realizes that she can’t possibly be a mother because she hates kids. She doesn’t like them. And now she’s stuck. I really like this scene because it was pretty rare back then to show a woman who didn’t want to be a mom. Or who just didn’t like kids. God knows I went through a period of my life where I didn’t like children – people treat you like some sort of monster when you say that, especially when you’re a woman. Of course, this period of my life coincided with working retail. It wasn’t until I quit retail and experienced parents that aren’t fucking terrible that I realized I didn’t hate kids – I hated their PARENTS.

Rory gets up in the middle of the night and decides that it would be a good idea to check the hallway. There she finds Younger Dave Anthony butt ass naked and coming off one hell of a drunk evening. They chat, she gives him her very short bathrobe, and he wanders off to find his room. Don’t worry, Younger Dave Anthony, big tough guys have wandered around in tiny robes well before you. You’re wearing a short robe because you have to. Batman wears one because he wants to.

That’s right. That’s a picture of Catwoman/Selina Kyle wearing Bruce’s monogrammed, extremely short, robe. He’s taller and broader than she is so we can only guess the kind of show Alfred gets in the morning. I bet it’s like watching Borat walk around in his monokini, just with more balls.

At Friday Night Dinner, Rory’s decided that she’s going to tell Judgy WASP Mom to shove it. She doesn’t. Spacey Grandpa announces that he’s going into business with Digger because Digger wants to fuck his dad. And Spacey Grandpa thinks this is awesome because he too wants to fuck over his old partner. Like, he takes serious joy in the idea of fucking over this guy. What the hell? If that’s how you have to act to succeed in business I’m glad I’ll never be successful. Apparently I’m not a big enough asshole. Don’t get it twisted – I am a huge asshole. If you’ve read this far you already know that. But I’m not THAT big of an asshole. I don’t want to fuck people over for the fun of it. I don’t want to make people grovel for perceived slights (real or imagined.) And I certainly wouldn’t want to drive my own parents out of business for fun.

And that’s it. It was an episode filled with naked boys and new couches.

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