Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 4, Episode 4 “Chicken or Beef?”

We start this episode off with Rory bringing some laundry home to Stars Hollow. Apparently the show forgot that her grandparents gifted her a Prius at graduation, because she’s not driving one here. We know because it’s missing the distinctive “stinkbug ass” of all first-gen Priuses.

More importantly, Rory cut her hair! And it’s cute!

Wow. That’s a sign of how little can happen in these cold opens – I’m excited over a haircut and trying to be witty when referring to a Prius.

Also – Kirk, broke in, alarm system, gun.

(It’s much more dramatic when you say it like that!)

Rory heads to town to have the “perfect Stars Hollow day,” which means she’s going to drive that one block 19 times and then punch Taylor in the face. Instead, she almost becomes part of the decorations for the Floppy & Britney Spears Circa 1999 wedding. Just in case you weren’t sure what was going on, we have this helpful visual aid!

Screen shot 2015-09-07 at 4.01.38 PM

This is the picture you see in a Lifetime movie before you learn the husband has a violent temper and the wife has to stab him to death with a screwdriver to prevent him from killing the family cockatiel.

Instead of wondering why the fuck anyone would get married straight out of high school, Rory runs to Lane’s house. Where she doesn’t say hi or ask Lane how she’s been (now that she’s living in the purgatory of her religious college). She launches into a tirade about how it was Lane’s responsibility to call her and tell her about Floppy’s wedding! Lane hasn’t called because she’s been too busy with her band. They lost Argyle Dave to The OC college, so they need a new guitarist.

Rory leaves Lane’s house and she immediately runs into Floppy. He’s wearing a shirt displaying his total number of functioning brain cells.

Screen shot 2015-09-07 at 4.18.59 PM

They have an awkward conversation and Floppy makes the kind of decision a person with three brain cells WOULD make and he invites Rory and Lorelai to his wedding. Having planned a wedding before (nothing special, package deals were involved) you can’t just fuck with the headcount like that at the last-minute. Unless you’re a dick. And Floppy is absolutely a dick.

Sookie visits Lorelai at home where she is dealing with Kirk and the alarm system. Sookie reports that Michele called and he’s upset because he feels like they aren’t going to hire him to work at their new inn. Oh, you don’t want to work with the sarcastic ass who makes it his life’s mission to tell you just how much he hates his job and hates you by extension? Weird.

They go to some fancy hotel to talk to Michele. Is this place in Stars Hollow? How many hotels/inns does this town have Is this San Diego preparing for fucking Comic Con? They find Michele only to discover he’s been in an unfortunate Chia Pet accident, causing him to grow vertical hair. He’s become Vegeta from Dragonball Z.

Pictured: Michele

They ask Michele to come back to the inn and run away before the Saiyan Prince can figure out how to go Super Saiyan like that fucking Kakkarot can. (That one was for the DBZ fans in the audience. So…it was for me. I regret nothing.)

Lorelai and Rory meet at Luke’s where they try to figure out if they should attend Floppy’s dumb wedding. They decide to go to the wedding because of fate. Luke says there is no fate, but only because he’s never read a DC comic before.

Pictured: Dr. Fate

Lorelai and Rory ignore Luke and decide to go to the wedding and buy them a salad spinner. (What happened to Rory’s “pick out a gift from this catalogue” offer from a few episodes ago?) Miss Patty comes in with Lorelai’s mail and Lorelai (re)discovers that Taylor is a huge dick and he’s sent her a cease & desist order for the work on the inn. Lorelai goes to talk to Taylor, which is pointless because Taylor is Taylor. Talking to Taylor is like trying to surf the internet on a Noika brick phone – pointless and frustrating and barely worth the work.

Sookie and Lorelai have to present their case at the town meeting but Taylor purposely ignores him because he’s a control freak who likes to abuse people. There’s an overly long scene that basically boils down to this – Lorelai has to let a bunch of people do a walk-through of the inn because that’s what Taylor wants. She agrees.

Luke’s just about to close up his diner when Floppy and his straight-out-of-central-casting friends bust in. They’re all drunk and singing the Stars Hollow High fight song because this is a fucked up world where people who aren’t super religious get married at 18 and no one says, “…Uh…you need a bachelor’s degree to get a fucking receptionist’s gig so maybe go to college first? Or trade school? Or fucking something?”

Luke makes the underage drunk boys coffee. Floppy goes from “I LOVE BEER, WOOOOOOO!!!!” to sadly moaning Rory’s name in about 3 seconds. Luke decides to kick all Floppy’s friends out of the diner and take Floppy upstairs to sleep it off…except you can’t sleep off “love.” This is what happens when you kill of one of your remaining three brain cells with crappy beer.

Floppy is all “RORY IS THE ONE!!” and Luke rolls his eyes because he’s been listening to Dan Savage’s podcast and Dan Savage says there are a lot of “ones” out there, which is probably more true than we’d like to admit.

The next day there’s more Taylor bullshit. Boring. Basically – he wants an ice cream truck to park in front of Luke’s. Why he’d want to park it there, when the soda shoppe that he sell ice cream out of is 3 steps away, is unknown but, whatever. Lorelai uses her “pull” with Luke to make it happen so Taylor will leave her alone.

Luke checks on Floppy and finds him pretending not to remember what happened the night before. Luke doesn’t say anything about the “I LOVE RORY!”-ness of last night. Should he have? I’m not sure. We all know that Floppy’s marriage is going to implode because he’s 18 marrying another 18-year-old. Getting married that young rarely works. It can, but it usually doesn’t. Plus, this show is about Rory and Lorelai. As long as Jared Padalecki is on this show we’re going to have Floppy/Rory stories, even if they’re pointless and tiresome.

Later, Luke stops Rory in the middle of the town and tells her not to go to Floppy’s wedding. So they don’t. Way to make the caterers rush more food into your wedding and then have it go to waste, guys!

Later, Rory creepily watches Floppy & Britney Spears Circa 1999 emerge from the church. I think she’s supposed to be holding back tears but it’s hard to tell exactly what emotion Alexis Bledel is going for in this scene. Also – WHY??? She told BROODY that she thought she loved him like 5 episodes ago. And now she’s all weepy over Floppy? Is she weepy because she’s not the one he picked? Is she so self-centered that she can’t imagine anyone moving on after being in a relationship with her? She shouldn’t be wishing it were her when she’s the one who gets to go back to her ivy league school, the school she doesn’t have to pay for and won’t be in debt for attending, and he has to stay in Stars Hollow. She’s getting an opportunity that other people would kill for. And white dresses and flowers and “Here Comes The Bride” is most likely in her future. I get that he was her first love but, honey, come on – high school is a shitty place to meet boys. There is a whole big world out there! And those boys have better hair!!


2 thoughts on “Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 4, Episode 4 “Chicken or Beef?”

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