Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 4, Episode 5 “The Fundamental Things Apply”


Let us celebrate the dawn of fall both in real life & on the show by getting down to some “Monster Mash.”

Why not “This is Halloween” from The Nightmare Before Christmas? Because “Monster Mash” holds a special place in my heart – I had that record (yes, RECORD – ON VINYL) when I was about 2. My parents would play it for me and I would dance to it and then ask for it to be played again. Then, when I was about 5, I would steal my dad’s Thriller tape and play the Vincent Price part from the title track over and over again while I sat in the dark. Is it really I surprise that I went goth in high school?

This cold open seems to be the inspiration for the MadTV Gilmore Girls parody “Gabmore Girls”:

At Yale, Paris is pissed off because her athletic roommate has the audacity to use the common room for purposes other than crafting. I know, right? How dare she? Rory’s overslept so she runs to the dining hall in her pajamas. While grabbing whatever crumbs of food are left from her fellow students, Younger Dave Anthony comes to say hello. He introduces her to “The Breakfast Crew,” which sounds like a name for a superhero team you’d come up with for one of those tie-in/advertisement comics they used to publish in the 70s & 80s. They make fun of her robe and then Younger Dave Anthony says “Well, since you showed up in your pjs, I felt like I could talk to you without being intimidated!!” How long have they been in college? People start showing up for breakfast (and class) in their pjs by week 2. He shouldn’t feel this “levels the playing field” this late in the game.

In Stars Hollow, Lorelai is working on finding a designer for the inn while using Luke’s as her makeshift office. Judgy WASP Mom calls and asks about Friday Night Dinner while Lorelai tries to get Luke to notice her cell phone usage. She has to throw something at him to get his attention, which is unusual given Luke’s constant awareness of Lorelai’s every move.

After Rory’s literature class, one of her classmates asks her out. Rory is completely oblivious to his intentions and shoots him down. I get it – I wouldn’t have realized what he was trying to do, either. I would have assumed we were just making small talk. I wonder if anyone ever asked me out and I was too oblivious to notice? (Answer: No. No one ever asked me out.)

Rory brings more laundry home and Lorelai starts asking her about men. Being the terrible mother that she is, she asks Rory if there are any hot professors on the horizon. Ew. No. Don’t encourage your 18-year-old daughter to date some late-50s dude who has the power to determine her GPA. Also – Rory is 18. Let’s not pretend that 18-year-old girls don’t want some young hot thing over some guy with gray pubes. Bang old dudes when you’re old, Rory! Get the young ones when you both are still young and dumb enough to have crazy college sex in the drama room or wherever young hot college people have sex with each other. (I did not have sex in college.)

Rory mentions that guy from her lit class and apparently she wasn’t oblivious to his intentions! I was way off! She got it, she just didn’t think he was relationship material because he carries water with him. Lorelai points out that she has never really dated – she was just in relationships with dudes. Maybe she should give the dating thing a try?

The next day, Lorelai (wearing a Harley Quinn sweater vest) interviews a designer at Luke’s.

Screen shot 2015-09-07 at 8.49.51 PM

She loves the lady, until she drops Judgy WASP Mom’s name. She worked for her before and now Lorelai hates her more than she hates respecting Luke’s space.

Rory talks that guy into taking her to dinner, but that is not nearly as important as Lorelai’s School Girl Harley Quinn cosplay:

Screen shot 2015-09-07 at 8.54.38 PM

If this was accidental, it’s a fucking miraculous coincidence.

Lorelai tells Sookie that they have to get a new designer because their designer committed the sin of knowing Emily Gilmore. Sookie talks her into keeping the designer and then Lorelai goes to Luke’s to collect her messages (Luke is her assistant now.) He’s in a pissy mood because he thought that he and Pretty Lawyer would still be in a relationship and going to a Yankees game together. To make him feel better, Lorelai invites him to her place to watch movies, which he casually accepts. Inside, he’s all “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! ADD MORE O’S TO MY WOO FOR I HAVE RUN OUT OF CELEBRATORY BREATH!!!!”

At Friday Night Dinner, Judgy WASP Mom is pissed off because she just learned that Sookie is pregnant and Lorelai wasn’t the one who told her about it. She’s equally horrified that Rory strong armed English Class Guy into taking her on a date. She should have just given Rory a copy of that horrific The Rules book along with the tuition check. I read that book when I was younger. It didn’t work for me. You know what worked? Being honest about what my weird fucked up self wanted.

The next day, Sookie and Lorelai are shopping with the designer. Lorelai has decided that it was the designer who told Judgy WASP Mom about Sookie’s baby. There’s no way the designer knew because she’d never met Sookie in person before today, so Sookie sends Lorelai to talk about her issues. The designer swears up and down that she’s not talking to Judgy WASP Mom, so we have a plot point resolve itself by becoming a non-issue.

The night of Rory’s date, Paris decides to have a roommate meeting. She’s her usual abrasive Paris self – what happened to “the new Paris”? Where’s her life coach? She needs to understand that she can’t tell people when they can get up or where they can work out in their own space. Buy some earplugs and deal with it.

Rory’s date takes her to an “awesome” Italian restaurant and it turns out that it’s a chain. Well, as we all know, authentic Italian is hard to come by on the eastern seaboard.

Their date is awkward as hell and all Rory can think to talk about are the germs in the bowl of mints. Then the guy sits on the same side of the table as her, meaning that he is unhinged and Rory needs to run before he turns her into a lady suit.

Rory calls Lorelai for help and she’s of no help. But Luke is – he tells Rory to say she’s getting a draft from the air conditioner so she can move to the other side of the table like a god damned adult. Luke is smart. Lorelai should have sex with him.

The phone rings again and this time Luke answers it. It’s Judgy WASP Mom. She’s upset because Luke answered the phone and she’s more upset because Designer Lady isn’t available to “spruce”.

At the end of the night, Rory goes to Lorelai’s to rant about her bad date. Luke is passed out on the couch and it’s all very cute. Lorelai tells Rory that she’s just going to have to deal with bad dates. So true.

Back at school, Rory tries to ask some dude out in the laundry room. He shoots her down and she feels bad. Is this the first time Rory’s ever been rejected?

Anyway. Let us all prepare for the best holiday ever!!


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