Just a quick note – starting the week of September 21st, I will be reviewing Season 2 of GOTHAM. Gilmore Girls reviews will still continue.
We begin this episode with Judgy WASP Mom and Spacey Grandpa complaining that someone in the neighborhood gave out king-sized candy bars for Halloween (aka THE BEST HOLIDAY EVER) thus outdoing the Gilmore’s regular-sized candy bars. Then people start talking about balls and I’m giggling like an 8-year-old because, as Lorelai says, “Balls are funny.” They are. They really really are.
Spacey Grandpa and Digger (shudder) are taking business pictures for business purposes? Outside of putting them on a bus shelter, I have no idea why they need “company pictures.” Judgy WASP Mom will be planning the launch party for their new company which seems to make her happy.
Later, Sookie tells Lorelai that Judgy WASP Mom wants them to cater her launch party. Of course, Lorelai hasn’t told her about the business so now she’s worried that Judgy WASP Mom is pissed. Dude. These two need to calm the fuck down and realize they aren’t attached. You think my mom knows everything I do? You think she knows about this blog or my comic book podcast or the clothes I sell on eBay or the coasters I’m making to sell on Etsy? No. Because she doesn’t need to know. Also because I swear while doing 50% of those things and that would piss her off.
Once Lorelai agrees to cater the party, this happens:
I think that sheep is sentient. Look at it looking at Lorelai’s hands, thinking about how great it would be to sink its sheep fangs into her flesh. “MMMM…delicious caffinated blood….” is what that sheep is thinking. Lorelai points and her finger is getting bitten off – that sheep is jonesing for flesh.
Instead of getting eaten by a Mailbox Sheep, Lorelai is roped in to helping Kirk plan a date with his brother’s ex-girlfriend. The sheep was clearly the least painful of the two outcomes.
At Yale, Rory’s roommate is running in place on a tiny trampoline. Instead of thinking it’s ridiculous, I’m thinking…do I need one of those? I could run in place and watch TV at the same time…hmmm….
Paris is fighting with her boyfriend because…? College relationships are drama because people are young and full of hormones and lack the proper abilities to deal with their shit? Paris takes Rory’s cell and goes outside to fight with her boyfriend, but Rory still can’t study so she wanders off to find somewhere to study. (Rory, pro-tip: Go anywhere that serves coffee. Also, invest in a pair of headphones. Even if you aren’t listening to anything, the headphones are the international sign of “leave me the fuck alone.”)
At Lorelai’s, Sookie is making broccoli tarts. Uh…no? And don’t? And why do you hate happiness? Because “broccoli tart” sounds like the most disgusting thing one could make. It’s up there with “sugar-free candy” and “tofurky.”
Don’t get me wrong, I like broccoli. But “broccoli tart”…? Sounds like a sex act involving green lube and edible panties.
When Lorelai calls Judgy WASP Mom, they get into a fight over the same bullshit they always fight about – Judgy WASP Mom feels left out, Lorelai is annoyed that her mother is upset, etc. etc. It’s quite the feedback loop they’ve got going on. I bet they could power a town for years with all the energy they waste on this crap.
Rory comes home to find that her room is covered in broccoli tarts. Since she can’t study for fear of drowning in the world’s most disgusting food product, she storms out. Hey! She’s finally acting like a teenager! I’ve never been more proud. She heads back to Yale where she finds a nice tree to sit under.
Later, Sookie and Lorelai have to present Judgy WASP Mom with a test meal. Sookie has amazing hair in this scene.
I realized during this scene that one of the reasons that Judgy WASP Mom drives me so nuts is because Kelly Bishop makes a lot of the same facial expressions as my mother. And I know that those facial expressions mean “I’m pissed but I’m not going to tell you why. Just fucking guess or feel like shit because you can’t figure it out.”
You’d think Lorelai hates money by the way she acts when she and Sookie land the catering gig. Having watched this show now for 4 seasons, I’m still feeling a disconnect in Lorelai’s reaction to her parents and their actual actions. Her mother wasn’t terrible at the tasting – she’s a demanding client and is acting as one. Does she really need to be “taken down” or complained about to everyone who will listen? The tasting lunch wasn’t an installment of Behind Closed Ovens, she’s not nearly the nightmare that Lorelai is making her out to be.
She goes to Luke’s to complain about her mother and finds Kirk “practicing” for his date by filming himself eating. Of all the weird things he’s done over the course of the show, this doesn’t even crack the top ten.
Later, Digger (GROSS) appears at the Gilmore house to ruin everyone’s life. He doesn’t want to have a launch party because launch parties are for old people. He’s going to “shake it up!” by taking everyone to Atlantic City. Atlantic City, the town that is a physical representation of the crusty glue that holds Donald Trump’s hair rug to the pulsating rage dome he calls a skull. What Digger (VOMIT) actually means by “shake it up!” is “I want to take a bunch of old rich white guys somewhere they can indulge in hookers and blow.”
Spacey Grandpa thinks hookers and blow sounds great, so there goes Judgy WASP Mom’s party (and Lorelai’s job.)
She goes to Lorelai’s house and finds her wearing sweatpants with “Juicy” written on the butt. I’d snark on this but I happened to open up the September issue of Vogue (because I like looking at clothes I can’t afford and can’t fit into) to find this:
Damn it. Our national nightmare will never end.
Judgy WASP Mom tells Lorelai that she won’t be catering the party, but she doesn’t tell her it’s because Digger (NASTY) has decided to go take old men to get laid in a town that smells like Axe body spray. Lorelai gets very upset because she feels that her mom treated her like crap for the fun of it, but if she paid any attention to body language or facial expression she’d be able to tell that her mother is very upset. She finally catches on and Judgy WASP Mom tells her what happened. I can’t help by feel bad for her – she feels like she has no relevance. Her “job” – taking care of her husband and impressing his clients with elegant parties – is no longer important or needed. She’s lost. Lorelai is so upset by this she goes to talk to Digger (UGH).
He’s gross because he’s Digger. He’s like, “I would have called you if I knew I wanted to put my penis inside you!!!” He is disgusting and less appealing that wet carpet. They argue, we learn that when they were kids Digger (BARF) knocked Lorelai into the water when she wasn’t wearing a bra and everyone at camp called her umlauts (which is actually funny.) Instead of holding the party, he offers to take her to dinner. Lorelai considers it because he mother would hate it and because she has worse taste in men than Elizabeth Taylor. Ugh. Please don’t tell me she’s going to date this ball of clay with eyes.
At Yale, Rory finds a dude sitting under “her” study tree (again). Instead of trying to find another place to study, or waiting nearby until he leaves, Rory does the ultimate rich person thing and pays him to leave.