This cold open is all about shitty music, laundry, and coupons. It’s like being forced to have a conversation with your most boring aunt.
Palette cleanser – here’s a lion playing with a tire:
Lorelai goes to Sookie’s where she finds Nick Offerman surlily sitting on the sofa. He’s Jackson’s brother, in town for the baby’s birth, which should have happened a week ago. Rookie mistake, bro. Always come a few weeks AFTER the birth – before the birth is too unpredictable and the last thing a tired, recovering woman with a new baby needs is a houseful of guests.
Sookie and Jackson have decided on a home birth. As we’ve discussed before, this show is judgmental as fuck over women’s baby choices, so it’s no surprise that Lorelai is all, “AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!” :Runs around with her head on fire from judgmental rage.: Full disclosure – even if I were able (I’m not), I’d never have a home birth because I do not want to be responsible for cleaning all that schmutz up. I hate cleaning regularly, now I have to deal with a biohazard? No. I look at it this way – I’m not paying the hospital to let me have a baby there, I’m paying them to clean up everything left over from the labor. If you want a home birth, awesome! It’s just not for me.
Jackson hands Lorelai a “baby pager” and then runs off to find buckets to collect whatever gunk comes out of women when they have babies.
Later, everyone piles in to Miss Patty’s while Lorelai tells Rory about Sookie’s home birth. They’re as judgy as expected, making Judgy WASP Mom proud. Kirk is showing off his new girlfriend like she’s his new car. Taylor has called the meeting to announce that Stars Hollow will be hosting the annual Festival of Living Pictures. They’ve got one week to throw everything together. Good thing I have no idea what the festival entails or I might be worried they can’t pull it off! (Lorelai is also doing her best impression of Kim Davis in this scene and it’s just as off-putting and out-of-touch as Kim Davis’s current performance art.)
So, like…what does this festival entail? People dressed as pictures? Or is this something far more sinister – pictures becoming animated and wandering around the town with murder in their hearts? Will it be like that Simpsons when all the mascots came to life and destroyed Springfield???
At Luke’s, Lorelai discusses her plans to be some Renoir girl. Taylor and some lady think Rory would be go for some painting, and Luke is cranky because he’s Luke.
The next day, Kirk is cast as Jesus in the Last Supper, Rory is cast as something, and Lorelai isn’t cast as anything. Last time she was cast, she “flinched.” It’s because she realized the actual painting had possessed her and was crying out to devour all the human flesh or whatever synthetic skin is covering Taylor’s mechanical body.
Lorelai goes to visit Rory at Yale and she sits on a table while Rory does her laundry. Is it normal to have your mom hang out with you in the laundry room of your dorm on a random day?
Rory, after making fun of her mother for daring to buy an off-brand of laundry detergent AND using a coupon, promises to force Taylor to put Lorelai in the show. Last episode she paid someone to let her sit under a tree – a few months at Yale and Rory is already in the embryonic stage of heartless monster that will eventually transform into a hedge fund manager or politician or dentist. Her grandparents must be so proud.
Lane and her band are auditioning new guitar players because Argyle Dave is still gone. (What about that whole “Argyle Dave loves Lane!” plot? Did we just drop that, or…?) In walks SEBASTIAN BACH OF SKID ROW. No, really. It’s really fucking Sebastian Bach except he plays a guy named “Gill.”
Pictured: Sebastian Bach, who has better hair than me.
I never got into Skid Row, mostly because the whole hair metal thing was going on while I was still fairly young (and mostly before I had cable.) However, a quick Google search tells me that Sebastian Bach has gone solo and in 2014 he released an album containing a song titled “All My Friends Are Dead“. This makes me think of Type O Negative’s World Coming Down album, containing the song “Everyone I Love is Dead.” That reminds me that Peter Steele, lead singer of Type O is dead and now I’m sad. Peter Steele is one of those celebrities that I forget is dead. I’ll randomly remember that he’s dead and then I’ll experience a short moment of sadness. This also happens with Phil Hartman, Bea Arthur, and Robin Williams. RIP, guys. The world is a little less colorful without you in it.
After falling down the YouTube hole looking for the above song links, here’s a song that 16-year-old Goth Girl Jen couldn’t get enough of:
Where was I? Oh. Gilmore girls. Right.
Sebastian Bach is a great guitar player but the band doesn’t seem into him…because he’s old. Ageist pricks the lot. Who cares how old he is? He’s got a great attitude and he’s a great player. And they’ve been striking out with people their own age, so maybe an “old” guy is the best way to go?
Lorelai goes to visit Sookie who is being tended to by her midwife, Bruce. Sadly, she’s not taking about this Bruce:
He could probably deliver a baby with one hand tangled in a Batarang/a socialite’s thong, god knows he does every fucking other thing possible. Except emote.
There’s some art festival stuff going on but who can focus on that when this is happening:
It’s like looking at a Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor publicity shot!
#ThirstyWig #ShakeNGoWig #No #FuckAndNo #Nope #Nopetopus
At 1 a.m., Sookie knocks on Lorelai’s door in a panic. She’s a week overdue and she’s sick and tired of being pregnant. And she misses booze. If Sookie was having a baby at the hospital they probably would have induced her by now. Lorelai calms Sookie down by talking about herself and Rory because this is their show.
At the “living art” show, some kids tell Rory she smells and the guy next to her says, “I hate kids.” Sometimes I think that could be the thesis statement of the show as a whole. That or “Children Ruin Everything.” Look at what happened to 16-year-old Lorelai and then what happened when Pretty Hair found out she had been chosen as host for C-Money’s spawn. Lives ruined, dreams ruined, relationships ruined – all because of kids.
The festival starts and it’s just what they said it would be – people, standing in paintings. It’s beautiful, the makeup is amazing, but wouldn’t it be more efficient to have a gallery show where people can walk through and see each painting at their leisure, rather than have one painting at a time on a stage? Perhaps I’m giving this too much thought.
At the show, Lane runs into Gill. He already knows that the kids in the band are ageist and he’s gracious in the face of discrimination. He does mention that he used to have the “hottest band in L.A.”. All I can think of is “LA Deli” from Kroll Show:
Lane decides that Gill is in the band because he’s awesome. Good for Lane.
Over at the diner, Pretty Lawyer decides to visit Luke. Oh, hey, she still exists. That’s a thing. And apparently we’re going to drag this shit out by having Luke/Pretty Lawyer “postpone” their divorce. I’m so happy (SARCASM.)
Lorelai finally gets to be in her painting, a painting she flinched in seven years prior, and Sookie’s baby pager goes off. She doesn’t flinch! The curtain goes down, Lorelai and Rory run to Sookie’s, and that’s it. That’s the episode.