Review: Gilmore Girls – Season 4, Episode 8 “Die, Jerk”

Based on the title alone, I’m already expecting this episode to be hostile. I’m sure it’s fine – it probably just means “the jerk.”

We’re treated to a “Last time on Gilmore Girls” montage, usually a sign that the show is running short.

It’s Friday Night Dinner and the elder Gilmores have just returned from Atlantic City. Spacey Grandpa thought everyone had a good time. Of course they did. Cocaine is a hell of a drug, I bet those old dudes had the best time of their lives before having heart attacks and dying atop naked hookers.

Judgy WASP Mom was less than thrilled with their outing. Probably because she kept having to call guys who have cars with really big trunks to clean up after all the people that Digger, a Bag of Expired Doritos Dust, invited.

Rory is writing try-out articles for the Yale newspaper. I’m going to assume this means Paris is also on the newspaper staff?

And yes, Paris IS writing for the newspaper, too. While Paris is ranting about what bullshit writing for the newspaper is (pro-tip, girls – journalists make dick and you’re better off doing literally anything else) Rory discovers that her article didn’t make the cut. The editor said it was boring.

When Rory mentions this to her mother and Lane, they both decide Rory should beat the editor within an inch of his life. (I was going to put a gif of Christina Applegate as Kelly Bundy from the old Fox show Married…with Children grabbing a bat out of the closet and saying, “I’m going to handle this the Bundy way…with swift and blinding violence.” but the show was pre-internet and not on Netflix so it doesn’t seem to exist. Have a cat instead.)

Lane has to leave because she has a call with Argyle Dave. Hey! That’s still a plot line!

Lorelai goes to Sookie’s for a business meeting and discovers Michele has been banned from the house due to a sneeze. So…uh, I didn’t want to bring this up but…Michele’s hair. No one is going to say anything, just like no one said anything when Bobby Draper was recast like 3 times?

Bruce is still hanging around because she’s a lactation specialist. She’s terrifying.

At the paper, Rory’s newest article is decimated by the editor. He hates it. So Rory drags Lorelai to the next thing she has to review – the ballet. Maybe she can write down all Lorelai’s quips and Editor Dude won’t hate it. The ballet is a disaster and I think Rory is about to find out one of the basic tenants of reviewing anything – it’s easier to write about things you don’t like than it is to write about things you do. (Good thing I hate everything.)

The editor, predictably, loves it.

At the Kim’s, Mrs. Kim has a jug that she wants Lane to send to Argyle Dave. This terrifies Lane. Maybe that’s the jug where they keep the last remnants of her father’s life, before he went crazy and assumed the identity of lovable weirdo and jack of all trades, Kirk.

At the diner, Lorelai runs into Pretty Lawyer. Oh, right. She’s back again because every romantic interest in Luke or Lorelai’s life has to come back like six times and slow the momentum of the plot to that of a thick sauce being forced through a sieve containing one microscopic hole. These people clearly have not learned the beauty of The Clean Break. The Clean Break is when you break up with someone and cut off all contact with that person. There are no texts, no conversations, no liking each other’s shit on social media. It’s just over and you deal with your pain alone, like the Founding Fathers intended!! It’s the only acceptable breakup when dealing with relationships that did not produce children.

Lane calls Rory and explains that the jug is the “marriage jug.” I like my theory better. While discussing the jug, Rory discovers that someone wrote “Die Jerk” on her dorm door. I’m not sure if this screen cap makes her look like she’s laughing or screaming. Both?

Screen shot 2015-09-16 at 10.06.37 PM

Paris takes this as a sign that she needs to mobilize and kill/maim a bunch of people who hate her, so that means 95% of the student body is now dead. I thought it would take at least until season 6 before Paris resorted to killing. It’s nice when a show can surprise you.

Lorelai grills Luke about his relationship with Pretty Lawyer. She’s upset because this means that Luke isn’t fawning over her and dropping everything to come over and take the errant spoon out of her garbage disposal. Luke in a relationship means that she might have to start paying for her coffee and food, which would really throw off her budgeting.

Back at Yale, Rory discovers that the person everyone hates isn’t Paris after all – it’s her. Because she was a huge dick in her article and called the ballerina a “hippo.” Yes, just because someone dares to have an ounce of body fat visible in athletic wear, by all means let us shame the fuck out of them for not being as thin as Rory. Of course, Rory takes the “OMG, like, I can’t believe you were offended that I called you fat! I TOTALLY wrote that because I was trying to be funny! Nothing personal!! LOL LOL LOL! BTDUBS, did you know I’m immune to calories and will never be as fat as you??”

Rory has every right to criticize the performances of the dancers because that’s what reviewers and critics do. Reviews serve a several purposes, one of which is telling those in the community if something is worth spending money on. Sure, it gets out of hand sometimes (Yelp) but if you read a review of the local ballet and discover that the prima ballerina fell twice, you might want to wait until they’ve run through the show for a few weeks before seeing it, or catch a matinee so it’s cheaper. That said, trying to be funny isn’t a “Get Out Of Asshole Free” card. I walk that line a lot right here on this very blog. I’m always trying (and failing) to be funny. I’m a dick, I say assy things about things that happen on the show in the name of making anyone reading this crack a smile, but I do try not to insult the actual actors. I’m not sure if I’ve always been successful, but I do try.

At Friday Night Dinner, Lorelai arrives wearing a beautiful pink coat that I would not mind owning. Digger, A Sentient Ball of Cat Hair, is monopolizing all of Spacey Grandpa’s time. Please note that I am not calling Digger a ball of cat hair because of his looks, I’m calling him that because the character is a gross slime ball assface. Digger, A Pillow Soaked in Expired Pickled Juice, has set up the Gilmore’s wifi and he’s been sending Lorelai flowers. RUN, LORELAI! You don’t want him to slime you with the greasy yuck that drips from every pore.

(RIP, Harold Ramis.)

Digger, A Rotting Onion Rolling Through Manure, decides that he’s going to get Judgy WASP Mom to invite him to dinner, even though Judgy WASP Mom hates him. She is a wise woman but invites him anyway.

Rory arrives and tells Lorelai about what happened with the ballerina. Lorelai reads the review and says “people don’t write as mean as they talk” because this was filmed in the early days of the internet and she’d never seen a Fox News comment thread before. However, Judgy WASP Mom and Spacey Grandpa think Rory’s take down of the fat ballerina is hilarious. They are terrible people.

Rory wants to rewrite her review but Editor Dude says no – this is just part of the game. He gives her another assignment and tells her she’s officially part of the staff. So the lesson here is be mean and get what you want!

Back at Lane’s, she tells her mom that she can’t give Argyle Dave the marriage jug. Her mom says “ok” and dumps in with the clearance. She doesn’t remember telling Lane about the marriage jug because there IS no marriage jug. It’s just a lie a mother told her daughter so she’d stop crying. This is why it’s good to lie to your kids. Builds character. Don’t tell them the real reason Fido isn’t around, let them find out when they’re 26 that Fido died and there is no Dog Farm.

Lorelai and Rory wrap this episode by talking about the fight with Luke and the thing with Digger, A Flattened Tea Kettle. Nothing is resolved, but Rory has a job on the paper and that’s all the matters! YAY?

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