I’ve spent my entire weekend at the LA Podcast Festival. It was fun and I had a great time. However, I’m exhausted. I’d like nothing more than to put on a movie and mindlessly sew sequins onto a Harry Potter t-shirt for shits and giggles, but Gotham begins tomorrow. That means I must bring you Gilmore fun TODAY. That’s how dedicated I am to bringing unfunny observations about a 15-year-old TV show to you, the reader.
We start this episode with another “Last Time on Gilmore Girls.” These last two episodes have been short, probably because the writers couldn’t spend another second thinking about Digger, A Used Piece of Chewing Gum Stuck Under a Table. They didn’t want to become terrible via writer/character osmosis (which is a thing I just made up.)
The girls go to Luke’s, which they say is “packed.” We the audience cannot verify this because we never see the whole diner. We just see Lorelai and Rory hovering over people who are eating their meals because they believe they’re entitled to a table, even if someone else is using it. I think if you didn’t know that Lorelai grew up with money and then watched an episode like this, you’d be able to guess with 100% accuracy. I hope to one day be wealthy enough that I don’t have to observe the social rules of common courtesy and “waiting your turn.” ONE DAY!
Once Rory and Lorelai push the plebes out of their tables, they push them together. Lorelai is looking forward to pissing Luke off…but he doesn’t get mad. He’s getting laid and making pumpkin everything like a sorority girl with a cultivated Pintrest page, so life is good for Luke. To take Lorelai’s mind off the slight, Rory brings up Digger, A Chewed Up Pencil Found Underneath A Refrigerator. Lorelai is all, “I don’t know if I like him but I’m only saying that so I don’t have to admit that I like him only because my mom hates him! I’m a grown adult!!”
The pumpkin pancakes arrive and they’re brought by some Surfer Fuck who didn’t wash his hands in Jr. High so Rory thinks he’s gross. Let us not calculate how many years ago Rory’s Junior High tenure was and completely disregard how people change as they grow to say: Gross.
Pictured: A Racist Frog
At Yale, Spacey Grandpa has paid the absurd Dining Hall Price for Guests and is eating lunch with Rory and Paris. Maybe Yale is different from my boring ass state school (It is! It’s more expensive!! But not by much!!) but I seem to recall guests having to pay something like $22+ dollars to eat a meal in the dining hall. I assume this was to prevent guests from dining on the terrible food, though I will admit that my college made a great grilled cheese sandwich. I subsisted on grilled cheese sandwiches and fresh pineapple for my entire sophomore year of college.
Spacey Grandpa shares a cheerful story about him & his buddies bullying a roommate by throwing him out a window “every day for a month” until he transferred schools. Isn’t that hilarious! They were just boys being boys! LOL! I’m sure that kid they tossed had no lingering psychological effects whatsoever!
After horrifying the audience, Spacey Grandpa mentions that it’s time for the big Harvard/Yale game and he wants Rory to go. Then he meets some guy named Posh McBookington and Paris about dies of fangirling over this guy.
Back in Stars Hollow, Lorelai gets a message from Digger, The Human Equivalent of Melted Flip Flops. He’s all “Go out with me, Lorelai. Your mom hates me and I’m going to use that to get into your pants because I am a gross fuckball who is SO slimy it’s like watching TV through a lens smeared with vaseline.” She’s like, “Oh, I can’t!” but you know she will because Lorelai has terrible taste in both men and hats.
At Friday Night Dinner, everyone discusses Christmas decorations because this show is sometimes too real. Then they bring up the football game and Lorelai invites herself, meaning her parents have to uninvite one of their friends so Lorelai can have the ticket. Maybe she should date that wadded up Kleenex Spacey Grandpa calls a partner.
For some reason, Judgy WASP Mom’s hair is very frizzy in this scene. I empathize – I looked like that the entire time I lived in Boston. Humidity is a bitch.
The day of the game, Lorelai is complaining because it’s early and she is 4. Lane enters with a box of donuts that are supposed to be bagels, but seems to me she wins because donuts. Luke’s Surfer Fuck server is a fuck up. I wonder if this character was supposed to be on that Broody spin-off show that never got picked up and the writers just couldn’t resist using him here.
Rory and Lorelai go to the game with what looks like 19 sleeves of Fig Newtons in a freezer bag.
I love a Fig Newton, but you can only eat like 4 or 5 before you start feeling like you’ve got a fig coating on your tongue that will never come off. When Spacey Grandpa and Judgy WASP Mom arrive they are horrified by Lorelai’s red shirt and find the Fig Newtons HILARIOUS. Judgy WASP Mom is also wearing a button that reads “Harvard go to HELL”. I’m surprised Emily Gilmore would choose such a vulgar accessory.
The family then takes a trip to see Dan, a stuffed dog with more personality than Digger. Then they do shots.
Question – if Spacey Grandpa and Judgy WASP Mom have gone to every Harvard/Yale football game since they graduated college, why doesn’t Lorelai know who Dan is? Maybe she didn’t go to the games as a teenager, but an 8 or 9-year-old kid really doesn’t have a choice if their parents choose to take them to the game or not. Why is she completely unaware of this tradition (besides the writers needing someone to use as the “what is _____?” character…which could have been Rory?)
They then go “tailgating,” which consists of a giant RV full of high-end food complete with a maid and a cook. Paris shows up and has Rory take win/lose photos because she can’t stand the waiting involved in football games.
As Judgy WASP Mom is making Spacey Grandpa a bloody mary (are those any good?) some woman named “Pennalin” wanders over to say hello. I’m just going to call her Horse Riding Lady because she’s dressed for a day playing croquet or fox-hunting. (LOL rich people.) Lorelai asks Horse Riding Lady if she was Spacey Grandpa’s college girlfriend and then calls her her “almost mommy.” What the fuck, Lorelai? What. The. Fuck.
Also – 10/10 for both Kelly Bishop and Edward Herrmann in this reaction shot:
Judgy WASP Mom is justifiably pissed off but Lorelai can’t understand why. Hey, Lorelai – when C-Money’s newest spawn is in her 30s and corners you at a wedding to call you her “almost mommy,” please remember this moment.
Random aside – there was that whole “we need to uninvite a friend so Lorelai can have his ticket!” thing doesn’t seem to have gone anywhere. They name two people in that scene and yet the only ones present at the tailgate are the Gilmores (and staff.)
When the current “Dan” rolls up, Younger Dave Anthony appears to have a chat with Rory. And when Rory introduces him to Lorelai, she is immediately an asshole again by referring to him as “naked guy.” Maybe she really is drunk on the “fun flask” contents?
Younger Dave Anthony then has to explain what “naked guy” means to Rory’s grandparents, but Spacey Grandpa doesn’t think it’s a big deal. He said he was naked for an entire month his sophomore year. So, story time – when I was a sophomore in college, I had a single room (which was awesome – no roommate!) I had a tendency to stay up really late writing shit poetry and watching dumb TV, so one night at about 3 a.m. I went to go use the bathroom, which was one of those communal bathrooms. I walk outside to find my male neighbor stumbling around the hallway with a sign reading “beer bitch” around his neck and half a basketball on his head. I imagine a lot of Spacey Grandpa’s college days were spent like that.
Rory runs off with Younger Dave Anthony and Lorelai is stuck with her parents. More specifically – she’s stuck with her angry mother. When they go to the restroom, Lorelai and Horse Riding Lady bitch about a 9-year-old kid using the ladies’ restroom with his mother. What, exactly, is a 9-year-old kid (or anyone) going to see?? I’ve been using women’s restrooms for 30+ years, I’ve never once seen another woman’s business. I’ve seen a lot of doors and shoes under stalls, and I’ve seen people walk out without washing their hands (gross) but never butts/tits/vag bits.
When Lorelai and her mom get back to the RV, Judgy WASP Mom is furious. Horse Riding Lady knows that Lorelai is opening an inn and she demands to know how she found out. Turns out Spacey Grandpa has been having lunch once a year with Horse Riding Lady ever since Emily/Richard got together. He just neglected to tell Judgy WASP Mom.
Now, I’m a married woman. I wouldn’t care if my husband was meeting up with an old girlfriend once a year to have lunch. But I WOULD care if he lied to me about it.
After tearing into Spacey Grandpa, Judgy WASP Mom exhibits some misplaced anger and blames Lorelai for talking to Horse Riding Lady. After all, she would never have known if Lorelai didn’t talk to her! This leads Lorelai to call and accept the dinner invite from Digger, A Ball of Grease Clogging Up A Tub Drain.
At dinner, Lorelai sees Ted Coppel and is very excited. But she can’t even spend her meal looking at Ted or any other famous people, because that Idiot Fuckface reserved a boring ass “private room.” It’s not really a private room, my money is on “storage closet they reserve for the poors and/or charity cases.”
Lorelai is all, “Why are we in a closet?” and he’s all “Because I hate people and want to pretend to be fancy? Also I am broke – don’t tell my dad I lost his money, ok? Cool.” and Lorelai is all, “But I LIKE noise and shit because I grew up with a mother who wouldn’t stop screaming in my ear.” They’re not compatible, is what I’m saying.
They leave the restaurant and then they can’t figure out what to do. They’re going to go grab food, but he hates everything she picks and refuses to eat anything.
Pictured: Digger, A Diaper Filled With Horrors
They go to a supermarket and they fight over everything because they’re a terrible match and should never have gone on a date ever.
Digger, A Stain of Grease on A Collar, bribes some guy to let them go into the stockroom. Lorelai pretends that it’s romantic and the only reason either of them think it’s fun and cute is because neither of them have ever worked retail.
Rory calls as Lorelai and Digger, A Paint Rag Smoldering In the Sun, are eating. Lorelai thinks she likes him because Lorelai is an IDIOT. Then Rory sees Paris making out with Posh McBookington which proves that Paris is also an IDIOT.
BOO. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. This is the worst.