The title of this episode makes me think of romance novels. Not the good kind – the kind you used to be able to find in grocery stores with covers like this:
Though I’d rather read about the inexperienced mistress than spend another hour pretending that Digger, A Ruined Time Capsule, is a character any of us should give two shits about.
Once again, the episode opens with a “last time on the Gilmore Girls” montage. I blame Digger, An Airplane Pillow Full Of Farts. When the montage ends, Rory and Lorelai are in Stars Hollow, where Lorelai is wearing a scarf that is more choking hazard than article of clothing. It’s so long. It’s destined to get caught in bus doors or stepped on in restaurants.
Maybe its like that girl in that old scary story – she always wore a ribbon around her neck and then one day someone removed the ribbon…and her head fell off. Perhaps Lorelai is hoping for the same fate so she doesn’t have to go on another date with her father’s wormy partner.
Lane is now working for Luke and it makes Luke feel insecure and sad because Lane is better than he is at diner-ing. It’s probably because Lane is wearing another great cardigan with cool embroidery on it. I’ve got to get on this quirky cardigan train in my own life.
Lorelai and Michele go to Sookie’s house for an Inn meeting. Tobin, Michele’s ex-lover, is now working as Sookie’s nanny, which pisses Michele off because he thinks Tobin is trying to worm his way back into the Inn business (he is.) Sookie has made pizzelle. Everyone in this scene is pronouncing it “Piz-zells” and it’s DRIVING ME MAD. It’s “Pi-zell-Ehe.” Sookie has never thought to serve this delicious treat with breakfast. Sookie, darling, you need to hang out with more Italians. In my family, they’re almost always eaten as breakfast, especially on Christmas. Mmm….Pizzelle.
At Friday Night Dinner, Lorelai is wearing a top that has one of those underboob seams. It’s riding up and reminding me why I can’t wear shit like that. And Judgy WASP Mom’s hair is frizzy as fuck in this scene. Didn’t that happen last episode, too? Did they get a new hair person who hates Kelly Bishop?
For dessert, the Gilmores serve marzipan. I will admit that I’ve never had marzipan because it looks like it would have a terrible mouthfeel. That’s right. MOUTHFEEL.
As the girls are trying to choke down weird candies in the shape of animals, the doorbell rings and it’s Digger, A Man Made of Spoiled Marzipan. He’s been in Australia and it’s a shame that he didn’t stay there. (Sorry, Australia! I’m sure you’re great but maybe you could do us a favor and keep this dude?) When he leaves, Lorelai calls him from another room while he’s still sitting in the driveway. They make a date, it’s gross because he’s gross, etc.
Back at Yale, Rory sees Paris kissing Posh McBookington (again.) I just cannot with this. Old men in positions of power dating young women they’ll just dump once they hit an arbitrary expiration date are one of my least favorite things. Paris – he’s not with you because you’re smart or worldly or whatever, he’s dating you because it makes HIM feel sophisticated/worldly/smart. He can’t handle an equal so he’s going after inexperienced women who are too young to recognize his shit and call him on it. Rory can’t handle it either and she runs back to Stars Hollow to tell her mom all about it. Lorelai is also disgusted.
The phone rings, saving all of us further discussion of Paris and The Grandfather. It’s Michele, and he’s freaking out about something. Apparently he’s babysitting for Sookie because he wants to prove that he’s better than Tobin, his ex-lover. Michele is freaked out – I’m not sure if he was freaked out before or after he chose to wear the most ridiculous paisley shirt in existence. There is only one person in the world who should be allowed to wear paisley anything and that is Prince. Retire all paisley prints, they are owned by His Purpleness.
Michele rolled the baby under the bed and now he’s stuck. And asleep. Lorelai rescues the baby and demands to know why Michele is babysitting. It’s because he wants to
get Tobin back prove that he’s as likeable as Tobin. He references the song “The Cat Came Back,” which used to be an animated short they played on Nickelodeon when I was younger.
I was always more sympathetic toward the cat.
Lorelai has dinner with Digger, A Pile of Broken DVDs Stuck Under A Rotting Log. Then she goes back to his surprisingly nice loft because she has a need to sleep with dudes who are better left alone. Lorelai points out that he’s not a tchotchke guy. I’m not one for tchotchkes, either – I don’t like pointless shit hanging around my living space. Digger, A Piece Of Junk DNA, not being into extraneous crap makes me question my aesthetic. I’m going to go buy a Precious Moments figurine or a “God Bless This Mess” cross stitch right after I post this.
Then we’re treated to the worst scene – post-coital Digger.
God, Lorelai, NO. Why? WHY???
He IMMEDIATELY proves why no woman should ever sleep with him – he asks Lorelai to sleep in the guest room. He tells Lorelai that it’s because he has insomnia and is a light sleeper, but it’s really because he’s done playing with his toy and wants to put it away. If that’s the case – he should invest in a Fleshlight and leave the human women alone.
Because Lorelai is an idiot who enjoys being treated like shit, she agrees to stay. Oh, honey. Have more self-respect than that. You’re better off at home.
After bailing on the newspaper, Paris returns home and intentionally wakes Rory up because she wants to talk about what it’s like to fuck a 60-year-old. Rory, who had to lie to Editor Dude when Paris ran out on the paper, has no interest in Posh McBookington’s old balls. Fair.
Back at the home of Digger, A Man Made Of Crap Salvaged From The Great Pacific Garbage Patch, Lorelai comes down for her breakfast. He asks her if she’d still find him attractive if he were poor, and somehow she doesn’t answer with “I don’t even find you attractive when you’re rich, you wet hunk of silly putty.”
You know what the worst part of the “really nice guest room and fancy breakfast” thing? There is no way this is the first time he’s done this. Lorelai is just the latest woman to have to endure him. She doesn’t realize it because she’s too concerned about what her parents will think. She’s decided that they should never tell her parents that they’re dating, which is a pretty shitty thing to do to someone you supposedly care about. I’d love it if this is payback for having to sleep in the guest room, but I don’t think Lorelai is that self-aware or vindictive. Jesus. Maybe these two ARE perfect for each other – they both care more about themselves and how they’re perceived by others than they do about other people.
The Gilmores try to have a normal Friday Night Dinner while people from the Historical Society take a tour of the house. I hope people are taking pictures of the place Rory was conceived. While they talk of functions, Lorelai learns that Digger was at a function with the Gilmores just last night…and he brought a date. I bet she ended up in the guest bedroom!
Judgy WASP Mom then calls Digger an “immature little con artist.”
Emily Gilmore does not suffer fools and has NO TIME for bullshit.
At the inn, we’re treated to a special appearance by Digger, A Ham Left To Spoil In the Sun. Lorelai takes him outside to yell at him for taking a date to the function but he’s completely honest about the fact he took a date. With Lorelai’s “don’t tell my parents!” rule he can’t exactly take her. Besides – Digger & Lorelai never discussed exclusivity and they’ve only just started dating. Until that “we’re exclusive” conversation happens, they’re both free to date whomever they wish.
Back at Yale, Rory gets stuck in a class taught by Posh McBookington. Oh God – I hope Rory doesn’t fuck that guy. That would make me stop reviewing this show.