From time to time I pull the search phrases that lead people to this blog. Some of them make total sense, like “Gilmore Girls Review” or “jackson wearing pajamas with his own face gilmore girls”. Others make sense in the context of what I’ve written – things like “gotham diaper bunny” or “Triple H Sledgehammer”. But there’s a third category of terms that I cannot explain. These include:
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I actually feel bad when I read these – not because these terms have led people to my blog, but that whoever was looking for these things would be inevitably disappointed when they clicked through to find a review of a tv show. So to those people, I say:
(I hope you figure out the name of that egg-carrying-dick-sucking video!)
We begin this episode with the girls and Sookie at a funeral. Whose funeral? A never-before-seen townie that we’re supposed to believe was so ever-present in the girls’ lives that Rory is weeping like a willow at his funeral. Be honest ladies – you just took this as an excuse to wear dumb hats.
Lorelai uses this as an opportunity to declare that Stars Hollow deaths happen in fives. And there have only been 4 deaths so far! It’s like Practical Magic and Sandra Bullock heard the death beetle and then her husband died. I think I’m the only person who remembers that movie. (I loved that fucking movie. And the book.)
At band practice, Zach and his hair are upset because they’re playing “too on the beat” as if that’s a thing. Everyone talks about their “guilty pleasure bands” and Lane mentions Fleetwood Mac. You shut your mouth, Lane! Fleetwood Mac is fucking amazing. The Dance, their live album, is so good it hurts. My college roommate and I would listen to it almost every morning when we were getting ready for class. (That and Ani DiFranco’s Little Plastic Castles.) I wanted to hear a goth version of “Rhiannon” until it dawned on me that the Fleetwood Mac version of “Rhiannon” IS the goth version of Rhiannon. (A very serious argument can be made that Stevie Nicks is the Godmother of Goth.)
If you really want a song that will break your heart every time you hear it listen to Silver Springs. (I may or may not have written a fanfic with the same title in another lifetime.)
Gil, who Zach still hates because he’s old, has managed to book the band a gig at CBGBs in New York. Lane freaks out. I wonder how she’d feel to learn that, thanks to gentrification, CBGBs no longer exists?
Later, everyone in town comes out to hear the bells that Stan (the dead guy) donated money to have fixed. They never stop ringing. To escape the bells, Rory goes to Lane’s house where Lane is trying to convince her classmates that there are other important people in the world besides pastors. It’s not going very well. Rory and Lane go upstairs and Lane details her plan for getting to CBGBs at 1 a.m. on a Tuesday. Good luck with that.
At Luke’s, Luke is ranting about how he doesn’t like bells. No surprise there. Luke probably hates puppies.
He’s also picking out paint for the apartment he & Pretty Lawyer are moving into. Remember how Luke is still married to a woman we’ve only seen once this season? That’s still a thing that’s happening on this show.
Lorelai doesn’t do well when she finds this out. And she’s even more upset to learn that Luke now lives in another town with his WIFE. (REMEMBER? WIFE????) She yells at Luke because they’re not friends or something and then she storms out. She’s such a child in these recent interactions with Luke. Why can’t she play it cool like a normal person? (because that would be boring and TV is all about drama.) She really is acting like a child who just realized the toy they haven’t played with in months is now being played with by someone else. What did she expect, that Luke was going to sit around and not live his own life? That he’d only make Lorelai-approved decisions? He’s not property and he should be living his own life while she’s living hers.
At Yale, Rory and some friends are talking about the laundry room guy Rory asked out several episodes ago. He’s running all over campus telling the story of some “desperate” girl who asked him out and Rory automatically assumes he’s talking about her.
In Stars Hollow, Lorelai relays the Luke drama to Sookie, who has great hair.
Sookie’s baby hates the bells. Maybe he’s not Jackson’s baby – maybe he’s Luke’s. I can’t see Sookie boning him. She’s too happy and not neurotic enough to give Luke a boner. He needs an unhinged caffeine addict to really get him hard.
As the bells ring, Lorelai realizes that Luke is shoveling her walkway. It’s been several days since the snow fell – does Lorelai just walk through the snow and hope she doesn’t die instead of shoveling? Would her walk never get shoveled if not for Luke? Lorelai goes to thank him and he’s all, “YOU DON’T OWN ME!! I OWE YOU SHIT!” and Lorelai is all, “BUT I WAS RAISED WITH MONEY! ACCORDING TO THE REPUBLICAN PARTY, EVERYONE OWES THE RICH EVERYTHING BECAUSE WITHOUT US NO ONE WOULD HAVE ANYTHING! MEH!” and then Luke throws snow in her face.
When Lorelai and Rory have their nightly (I assume) phone call, Rory tells Lorelai she’s being a whiny child and she should just go to Luke’s. Lorelai goes into town where it’s snowing like crazy (it is an amazing TV trick to get it to snow like that on a Burbank, CA lot.) She marches into Luke’s and asks him if he’d like to help her break the bells. Thank God. Someone needs to make them stop.
Lane’s not in Stars Hollow – she’s at CBGBs. And she’s getting bumped because no one came to the show. Yeah, I know that feeling. When I did sketch we’d often play to nearly empty rooms. It sucks but it’s better than not doing a show at all.
Lorelai and Luke break into the church and Luke knows exactly how to break the bells because he was the one who broke them the first time. Lorelai then asks him why he lied about moving – his apartment is still filled with his shit, including dirty dishes in the sink. Luke insists that he moved but we all know he’s a lying ass. He asks why she cares and just before Lorelai can answer they’re interrupted by the Reverend, who is thrilled that they’re breaking the bells.
Rory’s awakened at 4 a.m. It’s Lane. She never made up an excuse for why she was out at 1 a.m. and she snuck out of her house. Rory calls Lorelai and tells her what happened. Lorelai then calls Mrs. Kim to tell her what happened. Mrs. Kim immediately gets in her car to go get Lane, but she stops to tell Luke that Lane won’t be coming to work today. Luke knows – Lane called. This understandably upsets Mrs. Kim because Lane’s called everyone EXCEPT for her own mother.
Before we can finish that story (the INTERESTING story) we have to deal with Rory and that Laundry guy. Blah blah blah, no one cares, dumb drama for no reason.
By the time Lane arrives home, Mrs. Kim has found all her secret CD hiding places. Mrs. Kim asks her how long she’s been hiding things from her. Since she was 6. That’s heartbreaking. The whole scene is heartbreaking – Lane thinks she’s out in the open now and everything will be better. But Mrs. Kim can’t have that. With a line straight out of my own mother’s playbook – “Children don’t make the rules” – she kicks Lane out. Lane goes to Rory’s dorm because she’s got nowhere else to go. Rory’s on the phone with Lorelai, who has been eaten by the ugliest couch in the world.