There are horses in this cold open. Lorelai, completely ignoring the insane cost of keeping and feeding horses, has decided that the Dragonfly will have stables so guests can ride into town to go to Luke’s or Miss Patty’s (the only places that exist in Stars Hollow.)
I hope she’s getting horses like this one:
BACK IN THE 90s I WAS IN A VERY FAMOUS TV SHOW
At Yale, Paris is pissed off because Athlete Roommate has an Athlete Boyfriend that she doesn’t want hanging around. All your roommates can’t have extremely old boyfriends with their own houses, Paris. Some of them might want to date dudes their own age (novel concept)!! Athlete Roommate calls Paris jealous because she doesn’t have a boyfriend and that just pisses Paris off because she can’t tell anyone that she’s dating Posh McBookington. (Paris – if you have to keep your relationship a secret it’s probably not a good relationship. Just FYI.)
Rory has started her new job as a card swiper in the dining hall. Glen immediately threatens to kill everyone after Rory ignores him, but since this is America it doesn’t really register because someone is always threatening to kill everyone. As Rory fails miserably at her job, her phone rings and it’s…Floppy? Was he sad that Broody got to come back for a few episodes so he made his agent pull some strings?
He’s calling because Tom wants Floppy to work on Lorelai’s inn. He wanted to make sure it was cool with Rory, considering the girls didn’t attend his wedding.
Lorelai is still sleeping with Digger, The Unpopped Popcorn Kernel You Bite Down On By Accident. They’re on the phone with respective job people, and she’s in his bed. Does this mean she doesn’t have to retire to the Creepy Room For Sex Toys he keeps in his apartment? Lorelai’s phone rings and it’s Judgy WASP Mom. Terrible Grandmother is coming back from America’s Wang (Florida) and is insisting on a luncheon with the family. She also wants to meet Digger, A Flattened Squirrel On A Busy Road. Maybe she just wants to meet someone as terrible as she is?
Her mother finds her hair terrible, so Lorelai calls the hairdresser the next day and gets an appointment. She runs into Floppy who is doing Construction Things, and she makes a mental note not to get a haricut like his:
It’s like Justin Bieber had sex with a hedgehog.
Tom the Foreman pulls Lorelai and Sookie aside and Rihannas the show.
Lorelai hasn’t been paying Tom because she doesn’t have the money. Of course, instead of talking to Sookie or even working out a payment plan with Tom, she just doesn’t pay and doesn’t say anything about it. The bank refused a line of credit, they don’t want to get rid of the horses (WHY??? THEY’RE SO EXPENSIVE!) and Sookie has some crazy stove she wants that Lorelai insists she have. They can’t ask Lorelai’s parents, so they’ll ask…Luke.
Back at Yale, Paris is being a complete bitch to Athlete Roommate’s giant boyfriend. Apparently Paris has never seen a person over 5’8″ and cannot comprehend larger human beings. Athlete Roommate makes more “spinster” comments so Paris storms off. Lane, meaning well, asks why Paris doesn’t just tell people about her ancient boyfriend. This causes Paris to go yell at Rory while she’s at work. Not only does she tell Rory not to talk about her embarrassing relationship, she mentions that everyone hates having Lane in their suite. Of course, this hasn’t dawned on Rory yet because she literally never thinks about how other people might react to her actions. Of course having Lane living with them is a problem! Not because Lane sucks, she doesn’t, but because that’s their space and now they have another person living there – a person who doesn’t go to school there and who they did not unanimously accept as a roommate.
After finally confirming with her roommates that they really don’t want Lane hanging around, Rory has to kick her out.
The next day, Lorelai is getting her hair done when her phone rings. It’s the sink guys – they can’t leave the sink without a signature and Sookie is nowhere to be found. Lorelai leaves mid shampoo (which, at that point, just finish with the hair appointment) to go yell at Sookie. Sookie is exhausted and is full of excuses that really don’t fly. She says that she’s no good at the planning part of running a business. Then she shouldn’t be partner in a business if she’s just going to throw up her hands. Be the chef at the inn, that’s cool. But if you’re part owner and full partner, you have to at least TRY to show up. Even with a baby. Also – she’s the owner. Is there any reason she couldn’t have strapped Davie into a Baby Bjorn and taken him to the Inn with her to sign for the sink? It’s not like she was going to have to pick it up and install it herself.
I kill zombies and feed babies! MULTITASKING, BITCHES!
Luke is in the weeds at the diner when Lane comes in to beg for her job back. He pretends that it’s not a big deal that Lane wants to work for him again, but inside he’s doing a million cartwheels. He compensates for the good feelings by getting upset at all the people ordering food from his diner. Yes. How dare they exchange money for the goods & services he offers at his establishment! THE NERVE. Lorelai asks him to dinner, which he assumes is a date because HE LOVES HER.
Back at Yale, Rory thinks she’s devised a brilliant strategy to discussing her paper with one of her professors (and it’s not the Paris Method.) He, of course, sees through her shenanigans and pulls her paper so they don’t have to do the song and dance of “what did you say in class while I was asleep?” Her professor thinks her paper is crap (she gets a D) because he can tell that she was using information from another class to pad her paper, which apparently isn’t ok? Doesn’t that demonstrate an application of learned knowledge and a holistic approach to a liberal arts education? He then took the time to look at her schedule (lol) and speak with her advisor (double LOL) and they’re both concerned that Rory is taking too many classes. Since Spacey Grandpa took that course load a million years ago when he was a Freshman, Rory thinks she should be able to do it, too.
I feel like Rory isn’t truly comprehending how difficult the high school to college transition can be for some kids. It’s a huge change and you need time to adjust. I know I did. I went from living with my supportive parents to living in a dorm room with a roommate (who was really cool so I was lucky.) But I went to a state school 90 minutes from my home, just like 45% of my graduating class. I had hoped that college would be a place where I could find people like me, people who were weird and into books and didn’t care if I wore black every single day. Instead, I walked into a dining hall filled with people I hadn’t much cared for when we were all in high school. They don’t tell you that most of the people in the dorms are freshman, and it’s not like that all over campus, but I didn’t feel like I had a new cool opportunity. I felt trapped. I was also reeling from breaking up with my first (and, up to that point, only) boyfriend. Add to that a lack of transportation and a father who thought it was best for me to stick it out and NOT come home until Thanksgiving, and I completely fell apart. I didn’t make any friends because I have always been (and still am) terrible at making friends. I was depressed and lonely. My grades suffered – I’ve always been that person who can study while walking to class and pull at least a high B on a test, so finding out that I was on academic probation after my first semester was a huge shock. I rallied, got my grades back up and never heard the words “academic probation” again, but still. That first semester was something I’d rather not relive. I say all this to say – Rory, sometimes it’s harder than we think. That doesn’t make us failures, it just means we need to readjust.
At the luncheon, Terrible Grandmother immediately tells Lorelai that her hair looks like shit and blames it all on Judgy WASP Mom. Terrible Grandmother doesn’t have room to talk because she looks like a refugee from a dinner theater production of Downton Abby. She’s also THE WORST. I wish Judgy WASP Mom would stop trying to win her mother-in-law over. It’s not going to happen. Don’t put yourself through the abuse because Terrible Grandmother gets off on making you miserable.
Side note – is this the first appearance of Spacey Grandpa’s mustache? I’ve heard tales but never did I think I would see it for myself!
Spacey Grandpa introduces Terrible Grandmother to Digger, A Melted Stick Of Butter In A Garbage Can. He tries to give Terrible Grandmother a present but she is a dick about it. It’s ok, it was probably just an invitation to his Sad Room For Women He Fucks. Terrible Grandmother then pins Lorelai down (in front of her parents) to tell her how fucked she is for money for the inn. This then becomes a conversation about the money she gave Spacey Grandpa one time. He (finally) loses his shit and starts yelling at her, which Judgy WASP Mom LOVES. (We all love it.)
Rory, who has been playing phone tag with her mother all episode, finally gets sick of the bullshit and tries to track her down. She can’t find her, but she does find Floppy and his awful, awful hair. He takes her outside so she can cry about how hard college is for her right now. He’s got his arm around her for comfort. BLECH. (Also – Alexis Bledel makes it through this entire “crying” scene without shedding one tear.)
Lorelai catches a “dressed up” Luke just as he’s getting in the truck to meet her for dinner. She wants to reschedule their dinner because she’s “distracted.” We get a mirror of the previous Floppy/Rory scene when Lorelai sits on a bench and cries on Luke’s shoulder about how she’s failing and she needs money and how her grandmother is eventually going to die and everyone is going to throw a “See ya, you old bat!” party.
I can’t wait for that party.